or at least I feel I am. Had a horrid feeling this would happen, how much of it is self fulfilling prophecy, and how much foresight.. I don't know.
I have had one week where I have gained in the last 6 months, and twice STS. I also know that I am more than able to bring a bad couple of days back to a small-loss week.
I have overeaten MASSIVELY today. Gone out and bought hot cross buns and chocolate bars and scoffed the lot =( I reckon between yesterday and today I have eaten near enough 5 days points. No way that I can sanely do "damage control" by pulling points from the next 4 days, or cut back without being seriously crabby - it's unfair on the kids.
I am so, so cross at myself. Can let go of the points, draw a line under it.. whatever. But WTF am I playing at? I know as I'm stuffing the food in that it's crap. I know that I am going to regret it, and feel pissed off at myself as I do it. I am under no illusions, it's crud food. It sits heavy in my gut, and the taste is actually too much. I don't actually *like* chocolate past the initial taste. I would have far preferred my planned meal of tuna salad and new potatoes *sigh*
I *think* I am being a total doofus, and eating from fear/stress/dislike of outside pressure. I don't do expectation well. I like to help others, and can set myself goals and motivate myself. Yet the minute someone else is depending on me for a deadline, I freak. My mind is filled with excuses as to why I cannot follow through, and I put insane amounts of energy into thinking of how to escape the responsibility. I hardly ever tell anyone that I feel so overwhelmed, and usually complete the task - finding the actual work put in is enjoyable, comes naturally, and then feel pleased/fulfilled afterwards. I do not know why/where this acute fear comes from, or how to beat it.. only that I avoid routines/schedules that lead to expectation.
So, for the first time next week I have someone aside from myself counting on me to 1) turn up, 2) have lost weight and then to stand up in front of others. I am feeling nervous just typing this. Ridiculous. I have turned up every week, unless there's been serious illness, we've been snowed in or in the middle of the house move. I am more than able to stand and be looked at/give a quick "yay I've lost 50lb in less than 6months! This works fab!"
I teachclasses and lead groups, manage to go out daily with my 4 kids and endure the hundreds of stares/points/stifled giggles and comments that that induces.
I am just terrified that I'll turn up, have put on 2 pounds, and then have to say "sorry, but no 50lb certificate for me". SO SILLY! I am overeating because I am nervous that I will put on weight and disappoint Bridget.
I need to just chill, forget about her wanting for me to be there. I am always there and next week is no different. If the kids are cranky and cannot stay, then we will just have to not stay.. no-one will be permanently damaged if there is no piece of paper passed to me next week.
I am a big, silly, rambly mess. I need to track out what I am going to eat for the next 4 days. Ignore what has happened so far. Stop wondering how I can purge the binge (the answer is I CANNOT. I have to accept what I have done, and hope that there's not too much damage at the scales next week). Whatever happens because of these last days, moving on now is my only good option. I can hope to salvage a STS by sticking to my points for the rest of the week.
I want my kids to have a happy, healthy slim mum.
I want my husband to have a wife who is not twice the size of the girl he married.
I want my children to grow up with healthy food habits.
I want to feel fit and well, and wear the clothes I like, not the ones I have to.
I want to forget about what I weigh because I know it's right.
I want to see those numbers go down.
I want to eat food because I am hungry, because it is good, because it will nourish my body.
I want to cope with difficult situations by talking and acting - not by hiding and eating!!!