Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Losing the plot...

or at least I feel I am. Had a horrid feeling this would happen, how much of it is self fulfilling prophecy, and how much foresight.. I don't know.

I have had one week where I have gained in the last 6 months, and twice STS. I also know that I am more than able to bring a bad couple of days back to a small-loss week.

I have overeaten MASSIVELY today. Gone out and bought hot cross buns and chocolate bars and scoffed the lot =( I reckon between yesterday and today I have eaten near enough 5 days points. No way that I can sanely do "damage control" by pulling points from the next 4 days, or cut back without being seriously crabby - it's unfair on the kids.

I am so, so cross at myself. Can let go of the points, draw a line under it.. whatever. But WTF am I playing at? I know as I'm stuffing the food in that it's crap. I know that I am going to regret it, and feel pissed off at myself as I do it. I am under no illusions, it's crud food. It sits heavy in my gut, and the taste is actually too much. I don't actually *like* chocolate past the initial taste. I would have far preferred my planned meal of tuna salad and new potatoes *sigh*

I *think* I am being a total doofus, and eating from fear/stress/dislike of outside pressure. I don't do expectation well. I like to help others, and can set myself goals and motivate myself. Yet the minute someone else is depending on me for a deadline, I freak. My mind is filled with excuses as to why I cannot follow through, and I put insane amounts of energy into thinking of how to escape the responsibility. I hardly ever tell anyone that I feel so overwhelmed, and usually complete the task - finding the actual work put in is enjoyable, comes naturally, and then feel pleased/fulfilled afterwards. I do not know why/where this acute fear comes from, or how to beat it.. only that I avoid routines/schedules that lead to expectation.

So, for the first time next week I have someone aside from myself counting on me to 1) turn up, 2) have lost weight and then to stand up in front of others. I am feeling nervous just typing this. Ridiculous. I have turned up every week, unless there's been serious illness, we've been snowed in or in the middle of the house move. I am more than able to stand and be looked at/give a quick "yay I've lost 50lb in less than 6months! This works fab!"

I teachclasses and lead groups, manage to go out daily with my 4 kids and endure the hundreds of stares/points/stifled giggles and comments that that induces.

I am just terrified that I'll turn up, have put on 2 pounds, and then have to say "sorry, but no 50lb certificate for me". SO SILLY! I am overeating because I am nervous that I will put on weight and disappoint Bridget.

I need to just chill, forget about her wanting for me to be there. I am always there and next week is no different. If the kids are cranky and cannot stay, then we will just have to not stay.. no-one will be permanently damaged if there is no piece of paper passed to me next week.

I am a big, silly, rambly mess. I need to track out what I am going to eat for the next 4 days. Ignore what has happened so far. Stop wondering how I can purge the binge (the answer is I CANNOT. I have to accept what I have done, and hope that there's not too much damage at the scales next week). Whatever happens because of these last days, moving on now is my only good option. I can hope to salvage a STS by sticking to my points for the rest of the week.

I want my kids to have a happy, healthy slim mum.
I want my husband to have a wife who is not twice the size of the girl he married.
I want my children to grow up with healthy food habits.
I want to feel fit and well, and wear the clothes I like, not the ones I have to.
I want to forget about what I weigh because I know it's right.
I want to see those numbers go down.
I want to eat food because I am hungry, because it is good, because it will nourish my body.
I want to cope with difficult situations by talking and acting - not by hiding and eating!!!

4 comments:

  1. awww hun i really feel for u, i cope with hard situations by eating as well! as u said whats done is done but the important thing as u are determined to follow ur points for the rest of the week. good luck hun, i am sure u will be fine, u have done so well so far xx

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  2. Oh Joy, I just found your blog here! Hang in there. I don't have much advice, really, just wanted to send you a big hug. My husband is going through a rough patch as well, having a hard time maintaining his loss and not let it start creeping back up. You look amazing, really, and I'm so proud of you! You're such a beautiful person. (this is Mrs Dimples, from TBW ;)).

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  3. =) Good to "see" you here! I'm sorry your hubby is having a rough time. Maintaining is hard - looking forward to getting to goal, but not to the work involved in staying there! Feel much better for my sulk, and Sam got home last night and chatted things through with me. I s'pose having a wobble once in a few months isn't the end of the world, lol.
    Better start today, had a sneaky peek and had put on 0.5lb from monday, so hope to drop back for a STS. Thankyou both for taking the time to read and leave me a note xXx

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  4. it sounds like your attitude is where it needs to be. let the binge stay in the past and don't dwell on it...

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