Thursday, March 19, 2009

only myself to blame

After saying those words for the 5th time before 9am today, I suddenly felt a lot better. Not difficult seeing as I had thrown up 6 times in the 2 hours I had been up, and was struggling to keep control of "the other end"...

Only have myself to blame for the current state of my gut, brought on by eating unnecessary (and it would seem, unhygenic) food that I have only myself to blame for buying. Only myself to blame for not being able to go out and enjoy the beautiful weather or eat anything at all without being ill...

but it is A Good Thing. The only person getting in my way of a slim healthy existence is me. If I can change anyones attitude, thinking and behaviour, it's going to be my own!

Not trying to hinge the reasons behind my weight gain and then eating enough to maintain that size on anything other than my own faulty behaviours is something that I have found a bit scary. I want to believe there was a good reason, that I couldn't help it, that it wasn't my fault.. Somewhere in my mind I am sure I believed that if I didn't *deserve* to be obese, then it wouldn't really matter.. the world would somehow not see the extra fat and I could carry on without worrying. (mm, yeah)

Slowly, the fog has lifted, and I am fully aware that I gained weight because I put too many calories into my body, I got and stayed obese because I continued to put too many calories into my body. There may well have been circumstances that I felt were pushing me to do it, but the decision to eat as a response was mine. My choice. My action.

Does not make me a bad person, I don't deserve to be obese. Sure, the reasons for what I did do matter, but only to me. I am accountable to myself before anyone else on this earth.

What matters most is that I am not hanging how I feel about myself as a person on what I have put past my lips in the last X amount of time, or the label in my jeans, or the number on the scales of a morning. Sure I can feel pleased, or frustrated, or want to see change.. but these feelings ought not shape who I think I am!

So, no more *blaming* myself. I accept responsibility for my own health (including my weight) and will take pleasure in the positive changes I am seeing.. and nothing more than lessons from the times where my decisions prove to be unwise!


  1. wow you sound like you are in a good place mentally now sorry about the illness

  2. that's brought tears to me joy, and goosebumps.
    very powerful stuff - you're a powerful woman


  3. Big hugs to you and well done on taking responsibility and control - not an easy thing to do...