today was a good day, I have been productive around the house, spent most of the day with my default being chillaxed and happy and the halflings and I have enjoyed ourselves.
Went to a slingmeet at Coram's fields. It was the first time I've taken all my brood into London without backup. After a good time chatting, chasing pigeons, climbing frames and digging in the sand it was time to grab the citylink train - in rush hour. We then met Sam from work and jumped on a bus home, grabbing fish and chips en route.
Really normal day. Which is what makes it so special. There is no way that I would have begun to consider taking just the boys out that far at my heaviest. No way. I'd go as far as I could walk, and somewhere familiar, and not to meet new people. Not alone, going across the city by train with a 3 year old, buggy bound 2 year old and 11 month twins!!
As well as the fleshy walled cell my depression built to keep me locked up in, my mind had formed a larger prison. The more I binged, the greater my agoraphobia. At one point, shortly after losing my first baby, it got so bad I couldn't answer the phone or open the door. The feelings of anxiety at going out, even for the most ordinary tasks, were enormous. Going to post a letter was A Big Deal. Grocery shopping alone, terrifying. My previously hectic social life ground to a halt. Usual trips out for us as a couple had to be the cinema, in pre-booked seats so I could choose to be a) close to the doors and b) not sat next to anyone but Sam. As I lost weight with weightwatchers the first time, I began to get better. I started going to the salon again, and enjoying it. I'd meet up with friends for drinks, make it to lectures without having a panic attack. When I was just a few lbs from goal we went to Bath for a long weekend, and did all the touristy sightseeing stuff, no problem. Days later I began to lose our second pregnancy, and felt myself being pulled back into the dark space.
In the darkest weeks postpartum I would hide from visitors, take Seth out for walks at dawn to avoid other people. screen calls and struggle to get dressed every single day.
The weight coming off is just a small outward sign of the rebuilding, the recovery and restoration of my heart and mind.
and the butterflies in my stomach? No, I'm not anxious, I'm excited!!