Wednesday, May 27, 2009

deeply unimpressed


with how pathetically easily I caved to the mad bad girl in my head, the one who is a total b*tch, would continue to "live" on crap food and fizzy drink while staying in and watching tv, only venturing to the door to collect takeaway/online shopping. Never wanting to admit she's depressed, but knowing full well that she is, and making everyone who loves her miserable in the process.

She had her time, lived her choices, and forced me to endure it too. Now she has a choice, start co-operating with the new way that I am living, treat this body with kindness and care. Or just disappear.

Totally fed up of pandering to her whims and then working my bum off to negate the effects of those choices. Fed up of dealing with a stuffed belly, heartburn and a sluggish metabolism for the next day. Fed up of dealing with cravings for foods I never really wanted to eat in the first place.

So, mad, bad girl. Time for some tough love. No more trusting you to stop when you've had a taste. Am photo journalling from now until she's earnt my trust again. 3 planned meals, and just fruit for snacks. Water, lots of it. No more diet drinks until the cravings pass.

There is nothing "naughty" left in the house (surprise, surprise) so starting right now it's fat bird bootcamp.

At the back of my mind I am wondering if it is time to really get some outside help/advice about my compulsive eating. It is a daily battle, and I know that the desire to purge has not gotten weaker as time has passed. The only reason I do not purge now is my babies. I need to be well and fed for them. I don't have the time to spend 5-6hours a day exercising like I used to, and I won't make myself ill (at least in one way) while I have my 4 kids in the next room, worrying about what's wrong with mummy.

I want to beat this before it has a chance to re-evolve into bulimia. =( I had hoped to get better by myself, and I am better than I was, massively so.. just not where I want to be, where I feel safe.

2 comments:

  1. Empower that strong girl. She is strong.....stronger than the 'MBG' can ever, ever be.

    That strong girl has so much to live for, so much to strive for, and so much to gain.

    And yup, I think some sort of counselling, or discussion group would be an advantage to you.
    Bulimia, like all other 'mind issue' illnesses is with us forever, it never goes away, but it can be dealt with, with the right help.

    I have seen so much of that 'strong girl'in your writings over the past weeks. I am pleased you are taking her in hand!!

    GO YOU!!

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  2. yeah! kick the bad girl to the curb! don't need her anymore. you are strong enough to take what you want, and not just what you are given.

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