Two things happened on Friday that rocked my feeling of control. I have known for a long time that feeling out of control is my biggest trigger for overeating. I don't need to be on top of everything, or for my world to be ordered, not by any means! But, on the occasion that I feel all safe and secure 'knowing' what's coming next, and then have it change beyond my control - that's when I panic and try to balance the floaty feelings by stuffing down whatever I can grab.
Friday morning I woke up, it was May. All of a sudden I was back a year, heavily pregnant with my twins. Naively unaware of the traumatic ordeal of the birth of my daughters that was just days away in my future. I am fairly certain I have PTSD, almost every night and every morning some part of those hours replay vividly in my mind. Silently screaming inside my head I feel so much rage and sorrow, my heart breaks a little each time I remember. I love my children dearly and every day I feel regret that the circumstances surrounding their entry into this world hold so many negative threads in my memory. May, a lovely beautiful month, surrounded by new life and blossom, and tainted forever by a few dark hours that haunt me. So, I started the day by putting something sweet into my mouth, trying to balance the effect of the bitter memories. Not an awful start - yoghurts, meringue and berries.. but not the kind of start that leads to a good day either!
After a good long walk in the afternoon I was stood outside the local Somerfields, I had regained balance from the morning, and was on track again. Then a member - and helper - of our WW meeting walked past. She stopped to chat, asking where I was on Monday, and I said I'd see her this week.. "Oh no, no WI this week Joy. It's cancelled for bank holiday." Argh, of course.
So, now with no worry of being found out I have pretty much eaten what I fancied. Bought in almost every single one of my trigger foods - those pesky foods that are dangerous - always think I need to eat more and more, inevitably leading to a binge. Over the last 3 days I have consumed:
- Cakes, Cookies and Pastries..
- Cereals/cereal bars
- Chocolate bars (pretty much never have them now - and have had 3 since Friday!)
- Ice Cream (with cereals sprinkled on, mmm)
I need to change how I deal with these situations. I need to find a way to deal with my feelings of rage and deep despair that doesn't harm me further. Maybe I need to write out the birth story in it's entirety, maybe I need to hit the pavement with the kids and walk out my frustrations, maybe I need to learn to find water a good binge food??! Whatever it is I need to do for the positive, the first step is to ban these crappy foods from my body. I deserve better than to sabotage my health!
So, for now I am banning myself from eating: bread, cookies, cakes and pastries (with exception of birthday cakes!!) And aiming to stop buying in the cereal bars, they just lead me gently down the path to where the bad boys hang out.
Onwards and downwards. Sam is going to see the truth at the scales with me here tomorrow, I have spilled all about my naughty few days to him, and he is watching me with an eagle eye to ensure I stick to my word.