Sunday, June 14, 2009

I going to do it, I've got to come clean

I had another binge. A big one. There was no good reason for it other than my head was just not in the right place. I am messing about and expecting results that are just not going to be achieved the way I am eating at the moment.

Had a lightbulb moment though, a breakthrough really. Firstly I can feel that some semblance of self control is coming back. I am making the right choices more often, and just stopping myself at the last moment the majority of the time. The big binge was a fluke really, a one-off rather than being something I have done all week long. Still, it had a massive impact. Everything I ate was wheat - and it was a HUGE amount of the stuff. Really, disturbingly lots. And, because my body is so messed up and seems to have turned off the power to the hunger switch that most human beings seem to have, I didn't feel full after. I should have been bloated, eyeballs popping out struggling to catch my breath.. I wasn't at all and I would have kept going easily - but decided that I was appalled enough at the disgusting way I was jamming 1000s of calories into my body to draw a line - a really big, fat, can't possibly miss it, line - and change now.

Part of me is ashamed to have to admit here that I've done it. Again. Despite posting about a fresh start just tha day before. She wants to bury her head in the sand, and pretend all is fine. That I followed through with the new targets in mind, fire in the belly quashing any bad behaviour. That part of me would probably report a good WI this week, and keep up the pretence until reality caught up. (If it ever did, we all know what happens when you go off track and don't get real about it) That part of me is more worried to be seen failing than about actually failing myself.

I don't think, really, that being honest and getting back up and trying AGAIN, no matter how often I fall, is ever failing. I am doing this for me, first and foremost, ME. The weightloss, the blogging, it's all about giving me ways to get better, get healthy. Pretending to be somewhere on the journey I am not is silly, only causes a more difficult path for me to try and walk. What is the good of blogging to keep my head on track if I would know it's not true? Where my head is at, and being honest about how I'm feeling is really all that matters to me when it comes to using blogging as a WL tool.

Anyhow, for the sake of being honest and stuff.. Friday saw me eat a very healthy 28 points of wonderful nutritrious food. I also stuffed the following down my neck:

1/2 jar nutella spread on..
too many slices of hovis seeded loaf,
1/2 pack ryvita,
a batch of pancakes.

Then I found, and munched:
4 cinnamon and raisin bagels,
6 hot cross buns
200g granola crunch with yoghurt
1/2 pack of digestive biscuits

A lot of food, huh? Really need to write out one of my pre-WW binges, cos this is a mouses brunch in comparison. Still, I left 1 bagel, and didn't touch the kids croissants or cookies. Normally I would keep going until I physically couldn't eat anymore, or until the food ran out. I was nowhere near either of those barriers, but stopped because I didn't want to keep going. For me, this is big. Like, really, HUGE.

Course, come Saturday morning (after a night of nightmares with scales featuring prominently) I woke and found that I had put on 7 lbs from the previous morning, so back up to 161 (Oh noes). I was uber-good yesterday. I didn't eat until I felt hungry, which was at 3pm, despite hours playing in the garden and having taken the boys to rugby in the morning. This morning the scales are back down to 156.5. Going to be as good as only a very scared little WW can be today, and I will go to WI tomorrow, no matter how much the part of me that wants to impersonate an ostrich instead squeals and begs no to go.

I have a bigger plan too, going onwards, for keeping myself on track. Almost always before going over points, I find myself rationalising that I can claw the points back before WI. This leads to me overeating, and then desperately trying to pull it back before the next week. My mother has been going along to a Rosemary Conley class on a Wednesday morning for a few months now, and knowing she has that second WI looming, is not at all lax with her eating on the first days after a WW WI.

Popped onto the WW website with the thought that I'd check out whether there are any other local meetings that I could get to, to supplement my Monday morning meeting. There is one on a Thursday at 6.30, same venue as I use on the Monday. Perfect. I can meet Sam at the green on his way home, give him the halflings and then wander over to be weighed. Costs me nothing extra as a monthly pass user either. Am hoping that doing this until I am confident the I am back on track will keep my head in the right place. I'm also going to grab a fresh new journal this week. New start, fresh chart - straight diagonal line towards goal to look at each week.

4 comments:

  1. I can really empathise with your binging. You are right though, we need to be honest about how we are feeling and what we are eating. I hope the extra WI works for you. Good luck this week, Kimx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well done for coming clean. You are so right that it would be easy either to say nothing or to fudge it on the blog, both of which I've been very tempted to do, but that would achieve nothing, except possibly to make ourselves feel even worse. Best of luck this coming week and with your ongoing plans.
    Jxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. this is brave to admit -- but I think that really is the step to take to make it better!

    best wishes :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. You have done so well so far, I'm sure you'll be back on track in no time!
    Sometimes I think our bodies create these "glitches" because we're just not ready to move down to the next level. I think perhaps our minds need time to adjust to our new weight and accept our new image, if that makes any sense...

    ReplyDelete