Friday, August 14, 2009

10 days

that's how long since I last sat and got honest here.

I felt back on top of things, had everything all planned out. Back OP, no wheat, a lot of shredding and Wii-fit to get me sweating and burning fat.

Crashed again by Thursday afternoon. After taking the boys to the hospital for another assessment for Kai, and getting hungry and tetchy on the way home, I ate way too much sugar. We all got home from collecting the twins from my mum, and Sam walked in with a bag of chocolate croissants. I ate them. 'What the hell - I'm tired, had a long day, over points already.'

From then until now I have not tracked, I have shovelled whatever I fancy into my mouth. Each morning since Monday I have intended to get back on track, to cut my points drastically to eek back the damage. To cut wheat back out. I have gone off the rails within 30minutes of leaving my bed every day.

I feel totally burned out, tired and fed up of having to stop myself. Pity party for one. I am feeling quite overwhelmed with daily mumming of the kids, housework, and all that entails. The added stresses of having to change our routines to fit in new therapies for Kai, and having people come into the home is not helping, and I'm sick. Blame the wheat entirely, but reintroducing it has had some horrid effects on my health. I'm tired and achey, feel out of breath a lot, and for the last 2-3 days have had trouble breathing and a constant dry cough.

Last night I had enough, explained to Sam that I need hand holding and pulling back on track. I have set myself high goals and I can't reach them now. Instead of sulking and giving up I need to realise how much I have achieved. To have lost 60-70% of what I need to overall is not failing!! In any exam I have ever taken a result of 70% is most definately a pass!

So, starting again right now. Cutting the wheat back out and sticking to points. Giving myself a break from the exercise - aiming for 30minutes a day whether that be shred, Wii or a walk. I'm going to enjoy following the plan again and not aim for anything specific, but do hope to be at goal for when we go to Leicester in 4 weeks. Once I have made it to my gold goal I will set myself challenges etc.. for now I am making too much extra crap for myself to be coping with, and when push comes to shove, I will neglect looking after myself before I stop cleaning the house / caring for the kids / getting to appointments..

Ramble, ramble, just wanted to wave and say I am still here. Thanks to those who have checked in to see where I'm at. Sara, you were right, I was spreading nutella onto some toast as I read your email.. it *almost* made me stop.

I will WI again on Monday. I do know how much I weighed yesterday, do not feel like sharing that just yet though. Blugh. I am not giving up. Getting back up and dusting myself off. again.

8 comments:

  1. Huni you have done amazing! Keep your chin up :) Becky x

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  2. listen, chin up, we wont judge you, nobody will be harder on you than you are on yourself. Whateverr you weigh as, it doesnt matter, it was a slip up, you got complacent, and you fucked up, but does it matter? no. because you know what you have to do to get back on track and that shows how far you have come xx

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  3. Joy -
    I just want you to know I read your blog faithfully. From the day I found you, you have been an inspiration. You really have your hands full. I can appreciate that having three boys myself. You have done amazing!!! Nobody's perfect so dust your self off and forget about it. We all have our days. You have definitely passed in my book. You can do it!!

    Lorie :)

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  4. I'm so glad to hear from you and to know that you are going to be okay. Hang in there kiddo. I know you can do this, you're a strong, amazing woman and you can reach any goal you set your mind to. xxx

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  5. Good to see you back,we're all cheering you on xxx

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  6. back at it and from the sound of things a bit pissed off. good for the motivation!

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  7. (((HUGS))) You are absobloodylutely amazing, for what you have already achieved, and we all, every last one of us I'm certain, have gone off track and plumbed the depths of self pity and self-recrimination. In my case that's without the amount of everyday work and stresses that you have just having small children to care for. So, chin up, as big_mummy says, and get back on with it one step at a time. We're all supporting you.
    Jxx

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  8. I wondered where you were, & was going to leave a comment tonight asking if all was okay, when I read your post ;) you have come so far, don't be too hard on yourself - remember it's not how many times we fall down that matter, but how many times we fall down AND get back up again - just as you are doing now. Keep on going, not far to go now ... the goal posts are almost in sight !

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