Sunday, May 31, 2009

last training day for the 200 squat challenge





Day 3/Week 6
rest 45 seconds between each SET
set 1

35
set 2

35
set 3

45
set 4

45
set 5

35
set 6

35
set 7

30
set 8

30
set 9

175

465 for today, week 6 finished now, 1,253 for the 3 days. Feel ready for the final test. Really have enjoyed doing the challenge. Been really easy to fit it in, despite having next to no time to myself. 4 weeks ago I was struggling to do under 50, now I am knocking out over 400 inside 15 minutes, fantastic. Also lost an inch off my thigh, although my weight has pretty much sts for the last month.

After the final test and a few rest days, I will do the initial test for the next challenge - hundred pushups. I'm hooked!

Off to the park today to see hubbys family for Seths birthday, hoping to do a lot of moving and drinking (of water) and NO munching of party food. I really want to see 152 tomorrow!

Saturday, May 30, 2009

mummy I losted my biscuits

no my sweet, mummy chucked the remaining few in the bin an hour ago. I've said it before, leave no food unattended in my sight!

Very chuffed with myself too, the temptation to stuff my face with the uneaten gingerbread men, leftover choc digestives, crisps and sponge cake has been overwhelming - almost. Am determined to have made that 70lb mark come Monday.

Hoping my busy weekend will help, alongside my angelic food choices the last 4 days, to undo the damage of the huge binge earlier this week. Since Wednesday I have been really open with those around me about my disordered eating. So far, seeing good results. The moment I say it, (that I am struggling or thinking binge-y thoughts) the hold of the food over my mind loosens a bit.

The boys had Crunchie, I resisted

better show on the scales in the morning. Another great day on track.

Friday, May 29, 2009

got that friday feeling..

BUT I won't be indulging in a Crunchie. Not this week.

Woke up this morning feeling much better, well slept, no headache, ready to go. Got the laundry put away and saw Sam off to work before finishing cleaning the floor and bathroom. This is how I'm meant to feel, without the sugar and wheat locking me into my body like a prison.

Jumping on the scales this morning saw a 4lb loss from yesterday. 151.5lbs. Glad I got strict quick. Means I have finally gone under the 152 mark and lost my 5th stone! Even if I cannot hit my 75lbs target this week, getting past 70lbs/5stone is SUCH an achievement, and that little glittery silver sticker will brighten my card up =)

Day 2/Week 6
rest 45 seconds between each SET
set 1

30
set 2

30
set 3

40
set 4

40
set 5

32
set 6

32
set 7

29
set 8

29
set 9

150

412 today, worked up a good sweat, keeping the rest gaps short and doing some curls/punches in those gaps. Loving the Twilight soundtrack for working to, nothing like a teen vamp to get me motivated it seems :p ... but really, how can I not work hard for Muse and Paramore?

Finally it's arrived - Friday! Been a long week, but it looks gorgeous here today. Going to have a domestic day ready for another long weekend of fun for Seths' 4th Birthday on Monday. Temptation in the form of Thomas the tank engine cake!

Hope everyone is having a good week!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

better, much better

a total 180 from the mess that was yesterday.

Woke up and jumped on the scales to assess damage. 155.5 lbs, up 2.5. ugh. Breakfast at 8am after doing laundry and setting the dishwasher was a bowl of cereal and big glass of water. Had moments every few minutes where I wanted to stuff my face The kids were soon wailing and fighting, babies jumping on me for milk then wandering off whining every few minutes, a huge headache began to threaten. Instead of caving I got the boys set up with their trains to play, made the girls a fruit salad and myself a snack of fat free yoghurt and strawberries. Showered and dressed everyone, then started to clean instead of fridge raid.

Grabbed some reduced fat cheese and grapes before heading out, took the tribe to play at their Nana's house, hiding from my kitchen. Dinner, after a long walk, food shop and library visit, was a kids portion of fish and chips, using the 7.5 points I had left of the 16 I wanted to stick to today.

Feeling so much better tonight, headache is clearing, am feeling well again. I enjoyed my kids again today could cope with meeting their needs without feeling like I was at breaking point. I hate what bad food does to my ability to mother well. Another day where I prove that the fat girl has no clue how to live.

Sat now under sleeping babies feeling content, well fed and looking forward to bed and a new day.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

deeply unimpressed


with how pathetically easily I caved to the mad bad girl in my head, the one who is a total b*tch, would continue to "live" on crap food and fizzy drink while staying in and watching tv, only venturing to the door to collect takeaway/online shopping. Never wanting to admit she's depressed, but knowing full well that she is, and making everyone who loves her miserable in the process.

She had her time, lived her choices, and forced me to endure it too. Now she has a choice, start co-operating with the new way that I am living, treat this body with kindness and care. Or just disappear.

Totally fed up of pandering to her whims and then working my bum off to negate the effects of those choices. Fed up of dealing with a stuffed belly, heartburn and a sluggish metabolism for the next day. Fed up of dealing with cravings for foods I never really wanted to eat in the first place.

So, mad, bad girl. Time for some tough love. No more trusting you to stop when you've had a taste. Am photo journalling from now until she's earnt my trust again. 3 planned meals, and just fruit for snacks. Water, lots of it. No more diet drinks until the cravings pass.

There is nothing "naughty" left in the house (surprise, surprise) so starting right now it's fat bird bootcamp.

At the back of my mind I am wondering if it is time to really get some outside help/advice about my compulsive eating. It is a daily battle, and I know that the desire to purge has not gotten weaker as time has passed. The only reason I do not purge now is my babies. I need to be well and fed for them. I don't have the time to spend 5-6hours a day exercising like I used to, and I won't make myself ill (at least in one way) while I have my 4 kids in the next room, worrying about what's wrong with mummy.

I want to beat this before it has a chance to re-evolve into bulimia. =( I had hoped to get better by myself, and I am better than I was, massively so.. just not where I want to be, where I feel safe.

apologies

because I know it must be so boring to read, again, that I've overeaten on days 1-3 and plan to get back as much as I can before WI. I know I am truly fed up of this stupid pattern of behaviour. Sick of it.

I need to get silly strict with myself, to get my stomach hunger to be the cue I use to feed myself, not the head hunger.

The fat girl is shouting too loud lately, and in a weak moment I cave to her demands...

gah.

cabin fever

Second day stuck indoors, and I'm determined not to fall into the trap of eating to curb my boredom/frustration. We waited in for Seths birthday pressie yesterday, arrived finally at 3pm, after 8 hours of me being harrassed about how long it was taking.

Once I had it set up, and removed the baby sisters who seemed intent on stealing the most critical pieces of track, Seth and Kai were finally happy and busy and not swimming around my feet whining. I overate yesterday. Every time the red mist descended I managed to not do it, and was thrilled. Then after lunch I was about to do laundry when the girls started fighting. I quickly made them french toast and fruit snack with ice cream, and there was just enough left to make one big portion, so I did, and ate it. In the end my overeating was a mindless moment, gah. At least it's fixable.

Today I'm waiting for a courier to come collect my camera for repair. I am not going to eat over what I have tracked for myself. I have started with a huge breakfast to get my metabolism fired up, and have done my squats for today. Plotting a walk later too, if the courier comes at a decent time.

At the end of week 5 of the 200 squat challenge, I was meant to do another exhaustion test. Seeing as I completed 150 consecutive on day 3, I thought it was obvious enough that I'm good to continue on to the final week. I'm running out of days to get this week done anyway!

Day 1/Week 6
rest 60 seconds between each SET




set 1

63
set 2

76
set 3

47
set 4

40
set 5

150


376 today, and my muscles ache. Think perhaps that I'm still a bit run down though. Can feel that I'm still bruised and tired.

Here's to a day of even tempers, happy indoors play and sensible eating!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

grin and bare it

So, trying to work up the courage to get the tankini on and look at my reflection, I popped onto the mvm weightloss simulator and made up my 'before' as well as a current cyber-me.

OK, there's a marked difference. (Though the before me is in far better shape than I was at that weight....) There was no way I would ever bare more than my forearms at top weight. In the heat of summer I would wear tops that left my upper arms exposed and would feel horribly self aware all the time. My tummy, back and legs have been covered, always, except during a holiday at centre parcs in 2006, and during labour!

I would rather the physical discomfort of overdressing, than the other uncomfortable feelings that I would suffer if I was kind to myself in that way. Wearing a short sleeved top I would be aware of the size of my pale undertoned upper arms, wearing a smaller, more fitted top I would wonder how many people were looking at it clinging to my bulge in disgust. Hiding under a mobile tent I hoped to have done enough to earn their disinterest. I'd like to go back and tell myself to just get comfy. The last thing I should have worried about was what others might have thought. I can stop now though, and start treating myself as I deserve to be. Wearing what makes me most comfortable and happy, not apologising for my existence.

So spurred on by my virtual me, I got brave..

Not about to enter any pageants and I've still a way to go before I lose my flabby bits. That said I am pleasantly surprised seeing the state of me in the photo. Wouldn't bat an eye at seeing her in the local pool splashing about with her kids, so it looks like Seth will get the sessions he's after =) Another benefit for him from the weight loss.

Sam has bought me some size 12 summer-y stuff from H&M, 3/4 leggings and a halterneck top. I was unsure that I wanted to have so much skin bare, but now I'm looking forward to the next sunny day so I can soak up some Vitamin D somewhere other than my forearms and face!

sun, sweat and swimming lessons...

Out yesterday with the sun beating down on me, feeling the beads of moisture on my back, I realised that it's time for all my nearly too big, long sleeved, black tops to go in the charity bin. Just as I was thinking about which other clothes could be added to go to charity along with the shapeless bag of heat I was wearing, Sam looked at me - laughing - and said "time to buy you some tops that let your body breath, need to let those arms into the sunlight"

As we wandered around Sainsburys doing our shop, I skipped into the clothes aisle, to see if they had a cheap vest I could change into for the walk home. Nothing. Rather, lots of things.. but all that was left were size 18/20.. once I'd have grabbed one and scarpered, but of course now I am beginning to let it sink in that a 12 is fitting me best.

Seth was looking at the paddling pools (very cleverly the store have a range of toys facing the clothes, so mum can shop clothes while the halflings, full of hope, load up on mountains of overpriced colourful plastic, guaranteed to break as soon as you get it home) and asked me if we could go swimming. I've been meaning to get him along to a pool to let him learn to swim, now he's nearly 4 it seems 'time'. Had gotten some info from the local sports centre, but upon going through my wardrobe I have no swimming gear anymore. My cossie for the last 4.5 years was a maternity tankini (I was always swimming when pregnant) in a size 18 is now long outgrown, and my pre-pregnancy size 8 bikini is teeny, and there is no way I'm going to flash my belly. I picked up a tankini in a 12, thinking that by the time it fits I can go with Seth to the pool, and the top would be comfy for wearing under the weight of the twins on warm days.

Now I've got to pluck up the courage to wear it...

Monday, May 25, 2009

fridge graph says I need to get back under the line



to be back on my target line I need to drop a stone this month. Last time I had a month sts I did just that.. here's hoping I'll go into July in the 9 stones!!

week 39 - Not what I wanted, could have been worse!

So, after a blip at the start of the week, then a few days of really working hard and illness, any loss at all should be pleasing.

Seeing the result of my efforts as a lb gain this morning nearly had me in tears. Instead of cancelling WI and stuffing croissants down to shovel the disappointment away, I got changed and did some strengthening exercises. My squats and then some abdominal work. I hoped it would maybe shift the scales the right way, and it did.

Just a 1/2 lb off this week, back down to my lowest weight so far. First thought was great, a month *totally* wasted chasing the same 3lbs. I missed making my target of 152lbs for the girl birthday, I've still got a lb to lose to hit it for Seths birthday next week, and highly doubt to lose the 6lbs needed to make my target of 75lbs off for then!

Then I realised what I have achieved this month. My diet is improved. I am eating plenty of fresh veg and fruit, getting in a lot of good dairy, and have started doing strength training exercise at least 3x a week. Eating "badly" for me now means that I maintain my weight over a month. Looking back over the last 10 weeks, I've lost 10lbs, that is perfectly acceptable, healthy evem. 69lbs lost over 39 weeks. Incredible. A rate of 1.75lb weekly, perfect steady weight loss, the kind of way that means it will STAY off.

Added to all this, something you and I know (that my leader and tracker don't) is that after my miracle weigh in last week, I weighed again on the Tuesday morning to see an overnight gain of 3.5lbs.. the excesses of the weekend caught me. So I've actually lost 4lbs in those 6 days! lol.


Stats as of today -
BMI - 27.1
Weight - 153lbs, total of 69 gone forever. 12 til gold.

I will get my 5th stone next week. I would love for next week to be a BIG loss week, somehow getting to 147lbs and my 75lbs off. I will do everything on my end to make it happen, and hope. =)

Bigger goal, past that, is to reach Gold goal for the beginning of July. My payment for Monthly Pass has just gone out, taking me paid up til July 2nd. Would love that to be the last payment I make for my membership.

worried

Took a sneaky peek this morning, and got 154.5 thrown back at me. A lb gain since last week. =(

Doesn't make much sense, and has upset me a bit, though I'm glad for the warning before WI.

Hoping somehow my scales were having a nasty few minutes, but a bit gutted at the idea of not hitting my target.

Did the final day of last weeks challenge this morning too.

Day 3/Week 5
rest 45 seconds between each SET
set 1

27
set 2

27
set 3

32
set 4

32
set 5

27
set 6

27
set 7

36
set 8

max 150

358. Week 5 saw a total of 1,009 squats. At least I'm getting fitter!

Am off to officially weigh in 2 hours. Hoping it doesn't totally cloud my bank holiday!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

slog week

Been a rough few days. As of Wednesday morning I was 60points over. Meaning I'd stuffed just over 4 days worth of calories down inside 36 hours. Enough, I cried. And after a month of pissing about, I got back on plan.

Next hurdle was waking up Friday morning at 4am in agony, headache, shivering, feeling sick, and a familiar burning throbbing bruised pain in my chest. My second case of mastitis, a year to the day since my last. Spooky.

Still, I have kept to my points, today am feeling a lot better, and hopeful for a good WI tomorrow. Aiming for the goal I wanted to reach a week ago of 152lbs. I'm just 7.5 points over for the week - not counting bonus points.

Behind on my squats, just completed day 2 of the week today.

Day 2/Week 5
rest 45 seconds between each SET
set 1

27
set 2

27
set 3

32
set 4

32
set 5

24
set 6

24
set 7

30
set 8

max was 145

Wasn't sure how I'd fare today, being ill for the weekend and not having done any real exercise for nearly 5 days. Felt good after walking for 3 hours though, so gave it a shot. 341 for the day. Lovely.

Friday, May 22, 2009

just another body in the crowd..


was very pleasantly surprised to see me looking not-significantly larger than average in this group pic. When getting the images from the camera it used to be in these photos that would make me realise how big I had become. So used to taking up much more space than others.

Now I just look short!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

feeling good, back on track

Yesterday was good, stuck to my planned 18 points menu, ended up using an extra 2 on a go ahead snack bar while out in the afternoon. We went for a 4mile walk and I got over hungry. Didn't want cravings to overshadow all of my best intentions while food shopping!

Ate a lot of fruit and veg, had plenty of both fluids and dairy too. A great WW day.

Today will be tougher, body beginning to wonder where all the extra calories have flown off to. I've allowed myself 21 points today in my tracker. A big brekkie, which I've already had, to compensate for the beginning of week 5 of the 200squat challenge.

It's 8am, and it's done. My thighs hurt today and after doing the 4th set I wasn't sure where I was going to get to with the last set. Then I realised what I've been doing wrong, and threw a CD on. Music is *so* necessary for keeping tempo. I've been concentrating on getting good form, and not really worrying about tempo - but now I know what I'm doing, the music really helps to pull me through in a co-ordinated fashion.

Day 1/Week 5
rest 60 seconds between each SET



> 60 squats
set 1

49
set 2

54
set 3

40
set 4

32
set 5

135 (max)


Unless my maths is very, off (very , very possible) that's 310 today, yeowch. Have a bellyful of cinnamon bagel, and plenty of fresh veg and fruit to keep me powering through today. I will do this, I am back on track.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

ENOUGH!


Really. Time to whip the rate of weightloss, my diet, my attitude and my lazy arse back into shape.

I AM determined to do this. I know what I need to be doing to achieve my goals. I have high expectations, but I can easily meet them if I just do the plan. I know now when I'm about to binge/overeat, and there is a moment now where I am able to make the choice, it's not as automatic as it was. It's time to break the habit.

It will start with me stood in the kitchen, having just made a drink or snack for the kids, or finished a chore, and I'll automatically look around for my "treat". How messed up is my head that I have trained myself like a gundog to expect a titbit every time I complete a task?!?

Well done Joy, you cleaned something - stuff your face with as much bread and sugar as you can in the 90 seconds before the kids start strangling themselves for your attention
...

I found myself there yesterday, having already stretched my confused system by downing 3 slices of chocolate covered toast

As an aside, why I bother using thinly sliced malted loaf when I am topping it with Nutella I do not know.. in fact I'm not topping it at all, it's just there as an edible spoon. Perhaps on some level I am attempting to control my intake of the evil spread.. a thicker slice would allow me to have double the weight of the chocolate?!

.. so, already eaten at least half my days calories, with nothing good in my body.. by lunch I was scarfing bowl after bowl of high fibre cereal. By 2pm my head was hungry again and I was 5 points over for the day. Ugh.

Evening saw me stood in the kitchen, bagel in hand, mindlessly chewing away on the incredibly tasty, but totally unnecessary pile of food.

ENOUGH. If it means throwing it in the bin uneaten I have to stop myself putting these things into my mouth! For the next 5 days I am going to do "fast start" 18 points a day (should be 24 for breastfeeding mums) if I feel very hungry I will go up to 24, but after yesterday I really need to give my body a kick.

Come next Monday being back on 28 will feel like all my birthdays come at once.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

exhaustion test week 4

Completed, and did 180 consecutive good form squats. Probably could have pushed to get 200, but would rather finish the next 2 weeks and do it without pulling the muscles.

Am really impressed at how much difference just 2 weeks minimal training has made. Scary to think how much I *haven't* been using my body. Very glad that I am starting strengthening now, while I'm still in my 20s. 5 years of bad diet/minimal exercise has had such negative impact. I imagine then that trying to regain strength in another decade or two, without youth on my side, would be a LOT harder.

Also checked the scales this morning, and the last week had caught up to me, almost 2lbs heavier than yesterdays official WI. I am pretending not to know though - staying OP this week will certainly mean a loss, I know it's all food/water weight.

Monday, May 18, 2009

halfway through my challenge

Entering week 5 now (actually my 3rd week, but I started on week 3..) At the end of next week I should be taking my 'final test' and completing 200 consecutive squats.

Week 4 done, and after just 6 days training, saw me complete a total of 725 squats. I've gone from a 40-something max to easily managing 125 consecutive after 165 in the 10 minutes before. Not bad at all. Thighs of steel here I come!

Max on day 1 was 69, my thighs were aching after walking the big hill earlier in the day, but still managed 190 for the day. Day 2 my max was 103(!) my poor bum was in agony - I fell the day before while holding the twins and busted my coccyx. Sitting was (is still) excruciating, so I was a bit worried earlier in the day, whether I'd manage - but it was fine, and easily managed 103 consecutives, with 245 for the day. =) Day 3 was done late yesterday, as I totally forgot about my squats through the bustle of the weekend. Feeling bruised and tired, but completed the week with for the day, max was 125, making 290 for the day.

At the end of Week 4 it will be time to perform another exhaustion test. You should know what to do by now - simply perform as many good-form squats as you can comfortably manage. As per the end of Week 2, stress your leg muscles by all means, but please don't go beyond the safety limit. If in doubt, listen to your body.

The number of squats you complete will determine at which level of the program you'll start Week 5. Make sure you perform this test within 24-48 hours of completing Week 4.


I'll do the test tomorrow morning, looking forward to see what I can manage now.


week 38 - a reprieve

Was fully expecting a gain this weel. Have gone over on points, and eaten a lot of my trigger foods. Still, I suppose I've been quite active too. Aware that it could all catch up with me this week, but am hoping that if I am "good" and get myself fully back on track, that I'll have a really good loss next week

Still a half pound heavier than my weigh in 3 weeks ago, and in the last month I've lost a grand total of 2lbs. Not terribly inspiring, yet on one level I'm incredibly pleased. I've eaten as I've fancied and maintained for a month. This is *the* goal, to be able to live, eat, play normally and stay at my new healthy weight. I do want to get to goal within a year, the idea fills me with excitement - but the desire to stay at goal is greater. In 5 years time I doubt I'll care whether it took me a couple extra months to reach goal, it will always matter to me if I end up weighing over 200lbs again.

The minor miracle that is my 0.5lb loss this week means I am back in the 10 stones by a whisker, and so my points now drop to 28 a day. Aiming for a big loss this week, after a month of mucking about - a 4lb loss would really get me back on track. Didn't get to 152lb for the girls birthday, am 1.5lbs over that.. I'll go whizzing past it this week.

Stats as of today -
BMI - 27.2
Weight - 153.5 lbs, total of 68.5 gone forever. 12.5 til gold.

Next minigoal is to hit my 75lbs off for Seths birthday, 2 weeks away - 6.5lbs ought to be achievable if I push this week!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

on the subject of water weight..

.. d'ya reckon if I jump in a few puddles on my walk into WI tomorrow, I could pass off the gain at the scales as being the water my cords are retaining?

No? Arse, am out of ideas then.

I was going to lose 2lbs this week, to hit my 5 stone target for the girls 1st birthday. Midweek jump un the scales showed promise. Then there was Thursday, a rainy day with cake baking and buying. Friday saw Mayas' cake and fish n chip supper. Saturday was Anyas' day and another mini party - as well as usual stuff, which on this weekend included a boycott demo, rugby and food on the go between the two. Today I was planning on being so good, but after our picnic got rained out, and a 20min journey beccame 3 hours of transit hell, I blew my points, and someone elses (sorry if it was you) on mini jammie dodgers and party sausages. Really very sad as the sausages give me heartburn and I don't like JDs. Humpfh.

Eh. Anyway, ready to face the music tomorrow. Hopeful that my stubborn self will get the wind put up her by a gain tomorrow and kick the fat birds arse all week to see a better result in 8 days time. Just a glitch.

It's not everyday I'll see 2 of my babies turn 1, 3 days over eating before getting back on plan did not get me fat, sulking and continuing to binge did. That is not what will happen now.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Anya and Malachi join the challenge

though doing 2 is enough as far as Anya is concerned... (please excuse insane giggle from me, had just knackered myself with 200+ squats - oxygen good for keeping psycho laughter at bay it seems)



and Malachi is yet to manage a single good form squat!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

A year ago..


I was 39 weeks pregnant with our twins. I'd been niggling since 36 weeks, but for the last few days things had started to feel different. I was having runs of contractions that were 1 in 5 or 10, really getting my attention in the morning, fizzling out in the day, and back in the evening and through the night.
I was beginning to come around to the idea that all the pressure, and cramps, and backache may really be doing stuff.

My sister was staying until the next day, in an attempt to talk me into labour. She had been at my home telling me to get on with it for 2 days. Saying she "knew" they were coming around this week, and so she packed a bag and came up.

Went to bed this night last year looking very confused, poor girl. As we stood in my doorway, just after midnight, we both heard a loud and definate pop as a baby kicked my back (or so we thought)

Two hours and a ruined mattress later, she couldn't have looked more pleased (with herself mostly) at being right after all. The pop was, of course, my waters breaking, and I woke at 2.30am swimming through an incredible amount of fluid!

Sitting here now, with my precious babes on my lap fast asleep.. it's gone sooo fast.

Also much preferring this years waist at 31", over the 65" measurement of 365 days ago!!!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

75 points sitting in a jar..

it's a constant source of temptation, every time I wander through the kitchen it's sat there waiting for me. Too often for my mental wellbeing I am asked to open it, releasing the wonderful scent, and spread it over various baked items for the kids.

Bloody Nutella. Everything tastes better smothered in it.

The 3yo is a sensible being, enjoys one sandwich with the proper serving size and puts the jar away. Why didn't *I* get that gene.

Still, I am winning the battle, have enjoyed some, but not gone OTT. Am having to save points ready for the weekend celebrating the anniversary of the Things birth. My baby girls turn 1 year old tomorrow, and this weekend shall see much cake and buffet food. I am giving myself the task of photographer, in the hope of avoiding stuffing up my week. I need those 2lbs off to hit my target on Monday.

Having a mad week of resisting temptation to overeat, post binge week is always horrid and my blood sugar is really messed up. Got to just enjoy the weekend of celebrating without becoming a slave to the sugar!

Monday, May 11, 2009

week 37 - could be a lot worse

Since my last official weigh in 3 weeks ago I've lost 1.5lbs, Still, I know that just 2 weeks ago I had hit 152lbs, and I'm still 1lb heavier now. Since my home WI last week I've lost .5lb. Not horrible, getting back on track the last 3 days has helped, need to get back into it now and really get this weight shifted. Summer is right around the corner and I want to enjoy the warmth of the sun and breeze on my skin, not swelter under layers trying to hide my shape.

My mum had lost 4lbs in the same time, and is just 7lbs away from her BMI 25 now. It would be so awesome for us to hit that goal together, so I've got to push myself now to lose the rest.

Stats as of today -
BMI - 27.3
Weight - 154 lbs, total of 68 gone forever. 13 til gold.

Next minigoal is to hit my 5th stone off next WI, 3 days after Maya and Anyas 1st birthday - just 2lbs to get there!

first official WI in 3 weeks

in just over 2 hours time. 3 weeks is no time at all, but I've been on a rollercoaster for it! From being totally in the zone the first week, losing 2.5lbs for my home weigh in. The next week all was going well until I knew there would be no meeting, and in the space of 4 days I put on 1.5lbs. Then this last week has been musical diets.. one day completely OP, the next bingeing, the next wallowing - and repeat.

I need to go to the weekly meetings. I really need to have small timegoals to work towards or I end up floundering, never really getting anywhere and getting increasingly frustrated at the 'wasted' time.

On the other hand, I have been eating a lot of really good food (as well as the really crap but tasty kind) and I have maintained my weight over the last 3 weeks like a 'normal' person (maybe one day I'll be able to make the mental jump and *be* a normal person). I have exercised and drank plenty of fluids and not purged.

I think, just maybe, that my mindset has begun to change.. I'm still not where I want to be, but my body is over halfway there, and my head seems to be keeping pace too. Yay!

Friday, May 08, 2009

back onto the horse

It's been a funny week.. found it really hard to stay on track for a day or two, then I'm saintly, then I fall with a crash back into bad BAD eating habits. Lots of binge eating, lots of remorse. Without alienating any male readers - I think perhaps there could be a shift in my hormonal cycle about to happen. I've been happily free of my menstrual cycle since August 2007.. I had hoped (still do hope) that I'll have a while longer without it, the girls feed so often I thought I was safe there!

Anyhow, something is making me all unbalanced and weird. on the positive side my binge-abilities, though still scary enough to mean that Sam eyes me with a kind of awe/disgust (How can my teeny 5" 3 wife put away THAT much food, that quickly?!!?) are nowhere near to as extreme as they were.

I have packed away a couple of 60-70 point days, which pale in comparison to the regular diet of 120 points a day I had been managing.. with binges going into the 200s (for reference, at my biggest and fully feeding my non-solids eating twins I would only have ever needed a maximum 49 points to maintain!)

I have kept up with my challenge though

Day 2
rest 60 seconds between each SET (longer if required)
set 1

27
set 2

34
set 3

21
set 4

21
set 5

max (at least 34)

Max'd at 60 - so a 163 for day 2.

Day 3
rest 60 seconds between each SET (longer if required)
set 1

30
set 2

38
set 3

27
set 4

27
set 5

max (at least 40)

Max'd at 68 - so 190 this set.

Think I am back on top of things now, but really just wanting to get back on those scales tomorrow and start the downward trend again. Am still not great at doing this without the meeting with the scales to keep me focused, and being 3 weeks from my last WI I guess I ought to be grateful for a sts.. what a waste of a month weightloss wise!

Onwards and downwards.. I will get there. My babies turn 1 on Friday, and I will have lost 5 stone for then.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Day 1, 120 squats

Day 1 of the challenge, and I'm already on week 3. Managed 46 on my initial test, and so jumped straight in at the 3rd week. A little apprehensive that I pushed too hard though, and ready to discover that I needed to pull it back to week 1 and go slow to avoid straining myself.

week 3: pick the appropriate column depending on your latest test results
Day 1
rest 60 seconds between each SET (longer if required)



> 40 squats
set 1

19
set 2

24
set 3

19
set 4

19
set 5

max (at least 27)

Did it, with set 5 at 39 - after pushing hard during the initial test and suffering for the last 3 days I thought I'd listen a bit more carefully to my body, and when the burn of puhing my muscles started to get a little too hot, stop! Would rather take my time to strengthen my legs than rush and damage the (obviously weaker than I would like) muscles! Still, 120 squats on day 1, with 60 secs between sets is not too bad!! Carrying these babies around has been a help I imagine!

Feeling cheered by that, the 39 consecutive squats today have left me feeling great, roll on Wednesday and day 2!

Oh, and all 4 kids are now doing their "squats" - the twins are especially amusing, being brand new walkers.

Monday, May 04, 2009

jelly knees

Even though the last week saw a gain, I was successful in 3 of the 4 components. Drank my water, got in plenty of calcium and ate 8 fruit and vegetable portions each day.

1. Track everything you eat, and stick to your personal points allowance.
2. Drink plenty of fluids, 6-8 glasses each day.
3. A portion of calcium each day.
4. 5 portions of fruit and veg a day.
5. Be more active. Weight Watchers recommends working towards activity levels earning 28 bonus points a week.

So I need to add in some more activity. I already do a lot of walking, but don't have any free time to go to a gym, and trying to do stuff at home I get mobbed by the halflings. Sam has been making noises about buying the family a Wii, and me the Wii fit. Until then though, I wanted to find something that I could do from home, within 20 minutes, that would improve my strength. As it's been so long since I last regularly did any strength training, and my stomach muscles are still weak from the damage done during surgery last year, I wanted to find something easy going.. and fell across the 200 squat challenge.

Took the initial test on Saturday, probably pushed a tad too hard because my thighs were killing the next day! Ready to start the challenge and build a stronger body.. then might do the sit ups and press ups challenges too!



week 36 - bloated bread belly

Knowing that it was going to be 'bad news' on the scales, I thought I'd get it over and done with, and get started on doing things right again!

So, on I hopped, fairly sure I'd be well back in those 11 stones. 154.5 Up 1.5lbs. Pretty tame considering the foods in my system!

You gained a bit this week

You gained 0st 1.5lb

Weight 11st 0.5lb

Change since start - 4st 11.5lb

So, you gained a little bit this week.

Is this what you expected? If so, today’s a great day to make a fresh start. If you’re stumped, talk with your leader to assess your week and get advice on how you can make some changes to get back on track for next week.

It is what I expected, it's what should happen when I put a load of sugar and over processed rubbish in. Today is a great day to make a fresh start, I've got nothing I *need* to do, Sam is home for the bank holiday and so can keep an eye on what I'm up to. There are no trigger foods left in my home.

Hoping to be at my mini goal of 152lbs for the girls birthday, 2.5lbs loss this week is entirely reasonable.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

triggers

This week was going really well until Friday, since then I've been totally off the rails. Eating a lot of good food, and a lot of unnecessary crap too. Why?

Two things happened on Friday that rocked my feeling of control. I have known for a long time that feeling out of control is my biggest trigger for overeating. I don't need to be on top of everything, or for my world to be ordered, not by any means! But, on the occasion that I feel all safe and secure 'knowing' what's coming next, and then have it change beyond my control - that's when I panic and try to balance the floaty feelings by stuffing down whatever I can grab.

Friday morning I woke up, it was May. All of a sudden I was back a year, heavily pregnant with my twins. Naively unaware of the traumatic ordeal of the birth of my daughters that was just days away in my future. I am fairly certain I have PTSD, almost every night and every morning some part of those hours replay vividly in my mind. Silently screaming inside my head I feel so much rage and sorrow, my heart breaks a little each time I remember. I love my children dearly and every day I feel regret that the circumstances surrounding their entry into this world hold so many negative threads in my memory. May, a lovely beautiful month, surrounded by new life and blossom, and tainted forever by a few dark hours that haunt me. So, I started the day by putting something sweet into my mouth, trying to balance the effect of the bitter memories. Not an awful start - yoghurts, meringue and berries.. but not the kind of start that leads to a good day either!

After a good long walk in the afternoon I was stood outside the local Somerfields, I had regained balance from the morning, and was on track again. Then a member - and helper - of our WW meeting walked past. She stopped to chat, asking where I was on Monday, and I said I'd see her this week.. "Oh no, no WI this week Joy. It's cancelled for bank holiday." Argh, of course.

So, now with no worry of being found out I have pretty much eaten what I fancied. Bought in almost every single one of my trigger foods - those pesky foods that are dangerous - always think I need to eat more and more, inevitably leading to a binge. Over the last 3 days I have consumed:
  • Bread
  • Cakes, Cookies and Pastries..
  • Cereals/cereal bars
  • Chocolate bars (pretty much never have them now - and have had 3 since Friday!)
  • Crisps
  • Ice Cream (with cereals sprinkled on, mmm)
My worst trigger foods would be chocolate, cereal bars and baked goods. I try to eat them in moderation but after repeatedly abusing these foods I know that (at least for the time being) I cannot. I will buy a box of 12 cereal bars, 1.5 points each and convince myself I'd make them last. Then over the next few hours I would keep dipping in for "just one more" before eventually standing at the counter scoffing the lot. "I can make up the points! No one will know!" It's not clever, it leads to me feeling awful and craving more - I know (having to pull back points for the rest of the week), my body knows (dealing with cravings and die off) and my kids know (mum is having 'one of those days'). I need to no longer bring those things into my home.

I need to change how I deal with these situations. I need to find a way to deal with my feelings of rage and deep despair that doesn't harm me further. Maybe I need to write out the birth story in it's entirety, maybe I need to hit the pavement with the kids and walk out my frustrations, maybe I need to learn to find water a good binge food??! Whatever it is I need to do for the positive, the first step is to ban these crappy foods from my body. I deserve better than to sabotage my health!

So, for now I am banning myself from eating: bread, cookies, cakes and pastries (with exception of birthday cakes!!) And aiming to stop buying in the cereal bars, they just lead me gently down the path to where the bad boys hang out.

Onwards and downwards. Sam is going to see the truth at the scales with me here tomorrow, I have spilled all about my naughty few days to him, and he is watching me with an eagle eye to ensure I stick to my word.

Ewwww big scary yellow fruit

Friday was red grapes, I adore white grapes and have done since I was teeny. Never tried red/black grapes though and as my tastes and comfort zones were set, they were left outside the safety zone! So, black/red grapes were a quick and easy new food to grab.. mixed a portion in with a portion of white grapes and munched through them while clearing the kitchen. After a couple of the red ones I was sold! Love the warmer flavour, more juicy mellow, less fresh bite. Am definately always going to go for the mixed punnets now, and no more will I skip buying grapes just because the whites are all sold out! Whoop.

Yesterday was meant to be artichoke day, but we were out too late for me to cook anything new, so banana day was brought forward. Ewww. I bravely licked (lol) the banana, and after waiting for 5 minutes to check I was OK (no, seriously) I cut off an inch long piece, and put it in a bowl with some ice cream. Ate a bit, face scrunched up. It tasted minging. Really couldn't get past the texture. It wasn't revolting the way I had imagined, but it was banana.. in my mouth, *shudder*. I started too feel a bit queasy and bottled it. Probably ate about a cm of the thing. Fail.

Today we were out from just before 9am until 7pm lots of silly eating again, not pointing properly and (stoopidest of all) eating bread. D'oh. No time again to cook the artichoke, but I did try blueberries. Another BIG yum. Discovering that I LOVE all these berries is very exciting, makes for easy, low point and very tasty dessert options!

So of the weeks new foods:
Celeriac - yum
Lychee - yuck
Raspberries - YUM
Blackberries - YUM
Red grapes - YUM
Banana - yuck
Blueberries - YUM

4 new fruits to add to my list, one new veg (possibly two, will try that artichoke tomorrow!) and 2 fruits i'll save for the hubby!