Friday, December 17, 2010

stuff that is making this not so easy

Hubby has been unemployed for 6 weeks now.
Redundancy sucks.
We are poor.
He's been messed about by recruitment people.
Getting interviews around Christmastime. Heh.
I'm hormonal and not coping.
I'm not able to run, hurt my knee.

I'm turning to food to feel safe/happy/satisfied. It's stupid. It has got to stop. I need to be in decent shape. Ugh.

Not in denial, though I'm wading through treacle. Got to get my head back to where it needs to be.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

enough of the pity party

carry on like that and I was going to have a massive hangover.

Started today by tracking both ProPoints and calories. Am going to use MyFitnessPal to count calories alongside the tracking points, I trust the calorie thing, so it'll stop me fussing and moaning about whether the propoints are going to do the job. Yadda, yadda.

Very healthy (ahem) brekkie of fruit and 2 pumpkin oat ryvita (smothered in Nutella) and I've drunk a litre of water so far, I can do it.

I'm in agony with cramps, kids are so hyper it's ridiculous. Taking the 4 of them out on the icy pavements does not figure high on my list of fun/sane/clever stuff to do, so I haven't much. Leaves me with 4 balls of manic energy bouncing about the flat. Led me to thinking about how much cold winter weather is left, which in turn got me realising how close the end of 2010 is! 0_0

This time last year I was in limbo, trying to get back on track again, hanging about in the 180s, feeling pretty stupid. I had put on 40lbs and felt like I'd failed.

A year previous to that I was weighing the same, mid 180s. But I was on my way down. I felt like I was winning. Over the next few months I kept on winning and by spring I looked and felt really well.

I'm going to aim for that mindset again. Yes, as far as weightloss goes the last year has been a case of one step forward, two steps back. Off the scales though I have achieved a lot. My body is fitter and stronger than it's been in years. I've stopped isolating myself, and my moods/coping mechanisms are hugely improved. Panic attacks are not a regular part of my daily life.

So, I'm setting myself a goal. To reach 180lbs again for Kai's 4th birthday mid January. It worked well for me last time!

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Just *sigh*

all gone extremely pear shaped, like my bod.

PMS struck, I feel yuck, the weather is crapola. Have extra stuff going on to, that I can't fix and just have to hold out and patiently wait to ride itself out (hopefully!). The propoints was going well though, I had gone wonky and gained back 6lbs, but was eating wheat etc.

As of last Thursday I chucked wheat, stuck to my propoints, drank my water, kept active and didn't use any of the weekly allowance. Monday night I *stupidly, stupidly* stood on my mums scales to check how I was going. Nada. Not budged an inch.

I was (am) pissed. Seriously. Blech.
I am hungry on propoints.
It is not coming naturally.

I have just stuffed crap in. I am sure my looming menses is to blame for my hormonal state, as well as holding onto water. I'm totally indecisive about what to do.

I like going to meetings.
I don't like propoints.

I think, I think I am going to calorie count alongside/instead of propoints. Keep going to meetings as I know the group keeps me on track mentally.

But, yer. Feeling pretty down on myself right now. *sigh*

At least dressember is fun. ^_^

Saturday, December 04, 2010

still truckin'

No meeting this week, cancelled because of all the white, wet stuff ^_^

Had put on a few lbs after eating silly, but back on it now and beginning to rethink how to eat for the propoints plan.

Enjoying the dressember challenge, 4 days I've worn dresses now - photo evidence is on my blog. Am realising how much fun I would be having with clothes if I weren't so worried about my size. So it's a good boost.

Added to that, the wedding is 25 weeks today. I need to lose around 50-60lbs by then. Incentive, eh?

I had hoped to go and see Biffy Clyro tonight, but couldn't make myself chance getting stuck the wrong side of London after the shambles of the trains the last few days. So instead of moshing, vodka and kebab I've got a Saturday night of X-factor, water and satsumas. How rock'n'roll!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

6 months from now

I'll be stood with my sister as her grrrl of honour (I don't qualify to be a 'maid' and there's no way I'm being described as 'matron') as she gets hitched to her Emoboy.

I'm going to be in a dress, most likely a champagne toned one. I can't be fat. My sister and all the other bridesmaids are taller and younger. I don't mind being short and old. I would mind scoring the hat trick by being fat.

Dressember starts on Wednesday. By the end of the month I hope that I'll be getting rid of the trousers I'm in now! I've got around 20 dresses/skirts now. Totally outside my comfort zone, but I'm excited to do it. Join us on twitter #dressember or find the ever growing page on Facebook. ^_^

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, November 22, 2010

Happy Monday!!

Feeling very very much more human today. Going to really go for it, these last days of November, break back into the 180s ready for December.

Had spotted the link to Dressember on facebook a few times over the weekend, and after joining this evening I've jumped onto ebay and bid on the first 10 dresses I found. Been meaning to crack on with my 27 dress challenge, this should help! I have worn dresses out. To the cinema, out to the pub and to the o2 last week. I just forget to do the photo evidence bit. Anyway, if you fancy it, join the page and the fun. Shake up your jeans and tee routine and dress up December ^_^.

Also noticed something a bit wow-ish, as I came in past my 'dashboard', this blog has 100 readers. 0_0 Wow. Thanks guys. You keeping an eye on me is a huge factor in keeping me from falling down and staying down. When I get back to healthy it's going to be something I owe each of you a little bit for. <3

Lastly, for now, my new running shoes are here. My well loved, got me into running, through the c25k anddid my first 5k Sauconys are too big. As I ran and lost a bit of weight my feet have dropped a size ??! Weird, no? Had a discount code to use and LunarGlides were down to around 60 quid, so I bought some, and a Nike+ sensor thingummy. Plotting to get out today and do at least a 2k, know that I may well struggle after 'couching' for so long though.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Cotton wool head, cotton wool legs. That was fun. Wasn't it??!

Currently nursing the tail end of the biggest hangover I've had ever. I must be getting on, used to be able to drink myself unconscious and wake up fresh. 10 years and 4 kids have made their mark on my metabolism!!

Used all my weekly flex points yesterday. Spent the day at Sheerness with Seth, visiting my Nan. In the afternoon I took him to the seafront to watch the ships come out the Thames estuary out to the North Sea, and collected a load of mussels, cockles and other shelly things!

Then rushed home to meet the rest of the tribe to go to the annual light switch on at the village green. Funfair, mulled wine, roasted chestnuts and overpriced glow sticks a-go-go!!

Got in and had half an hour to clean up before my mate came to pick me up for our night out. Met up with my sister and her girls at the pub and settled down with 6 or 7 (that I remember) bottles of Zinfandel.

We weren't chucked out until nearly 1am as the barman was a friend of a friend. Staggered in at around 2am (apparently) and collapsed.

Had eaten a baileys cheesecake, some ham and celery all day.

I was WASTED. Actually had to wear sunglasses to walk outside to go for our family lunch at my parents. Then lay on their floor groaning. Figured it'd make them feel nostalgic or amused. Either worked for me as long as I was able to stay horizontal.

4 aspirin, 3 litres of water and a 3 hour lay down later and the fermenting barrel in my mouth has gone and I've got my land legs back on.

Decided to try and start the 200 squat challenge again. So went and did a exhaustion test. Hit 201 and realised that my body may be fatter than it was 18months ago, but it is also a lot stronger!!

Now to knuckle down and play golden girl weightwatcher for the next 4 days...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, November 18, 2010

First week of ProPoints

Am waiting for meeting to start, will blog 'better' later.


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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

day 6.. bumbling through

I've made so many mistakes this week with the new points. Really haven't a clue how it's affected my weight.

That said, I feel better. I've stayed active, have chugged my 3.5 litres of water and stayed free of wheat for the last nearly-week. I stuck to the 30 points the leader gave me for the first 2 days, but between the drop in calories and blood loss I hit a real low on Sunday afternoon. Kept near passing out and got REALLY trashed on half a bottle of champagne. Not so great.

E-source worked out that feeding one baby who was also eating solids I should be on 38 points, a fully breastfed baby would mean I got 44 points. I figure 2 toddlers must fall somewhere between the two, if not at the 44 point mark. Next week I shall go with the 38 points and see how I feel.

This week I guess I am over by 60 points, even having used my 49 flex points (Paramore gig at the o2 = a couple of bottles of wine)

BUT, I have been having FUN. I have been out dancing, have made plans to see friends this weekend, have even really pushed out of my bubble and applied for a temp job next spring during the census.

Several times I've been on the brink, but each time I have managed to talk myself down. Less of the 'trapping/punishing the fat binge girl' and more gently talking myself away from the things that will just hurt me more.

Just now I had finished my SiftAbility application for this job. Feeling a bit weirded out by the whole paid-work idea (it's been 7 years!) I headed to the kitchen and was about to attack a pack of hot cross buns. The newer calmer me emerged long enough to decide instead on a punnet of grapes and 1.5litre of water to fill on. So here I am, munching away, not having 'ruined' anything. Very thankful for the 0 point fruit that means I really can grab and run at those moments now! If I'd had to weigh out my portion, I think that may have required too much control!!!

Looking forward to getting weigh in done tomorrow, hopefully be down a lb at least, because I must have been bloated due to hormones last time.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

did something a bit clever

and went back to meetings.

It's been 6 months. I've gone up and down. I know weightwatchers works, I did bloody well last time.

Got an email waxing lyrical about the new ProPoints plan starting this week, so I thought I'd tag along with my mum to her Thursday night meeting.

I was hoping to still be the 'right' side of 200lbs. I got on those scales at 6.30pm and saw 199.5lbs. And laughed.

I'm muddling along with the new system, I love the idea of looking at how the body uses the nutrients rather than limiting based on cals/fat. I also really like the weekly allowance as a safety net.

Chucked out all my outdated stuff, really giving myself a fresh start. Not going to delete any of the old numbers here, but am going to try and forget which week number I'm at!

I'm also counting my loss from my highest ever (non pregnant) weight of 232lbs/16st 8lbs. My new leader, Lynne, has my start weight at 199.5, going to have to change that! As it is my 5% goal is to lose 10lbs, I'll manage that by the end of the month.

New goal is to get to 'overweight' by Malachi's 4th birthday. That's 30lbs in 10 weeks.

A *big* incentive for me was announced today. My sister is engaged. Wedding in 6 months. Me as a bridesmaid. Eeek. I want to be down 60lbs by then! Skates on Ms!

Friday, November 05, 2010

Promises, promises

I've made a few..

Here's a new one. No matter how often I screw up, I won't give up.


I made a lot of plans when I last posted. A few of my friends made noises about me maybe doing that Monica Geller thing again. Going a little OTT and setting myself up for a nose dive.

Turned out to be more of a belly flop. The minute one domino wobbled, the while pile went clattering down. I pushed myself to the brink of exhaustion. Then got a cold, my routine fell apart, I went on holiday.

If coming back from holiday I had just had to deal with the teeny 5pm gain, I'd have been back to where I wanted within a fortnight.

As it was I came back to a run down me. Having eaten wheat. Having not kept up with water challenge. Behind on the Shred challenge. Behind on running. Behind on the DDGBD. AND 5lbs up.

All those unnecassary challenges threw me. Now I've finally talked myself back down, 2 months later. I'm up another 15lbs and have been dehydrated until last week. Running has not happened. I'm feeling totally down on myself and the only exercise I've been involved in is the cycle of binge eating.

The last week I've slowly worked through, in my head, what to do.

Back to calories, 6 200cal meals a day. Drink water. Run every other day. Blog.

And I've bought a full length mirror..

No more hiding.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Sloshy belly

getting back into my groove, slowly inching my way back in. Eating is better, not weightloss better, but an improvement. I'm moving and went for another quick jog.

The Wii has died :( so I can't use wii fit, but think I can still weigh on the wii fit channel? Will have a proper poke around at it soon.

The big yay is that I'm back on top of my water drinking, it had slid a little, though on the handful of days I didn't manage my 3.5litres, I was still getting at least 2 (8 glasses).

Starting back on the shred tomorrow, and oddly enough am looking forward to it.

Will read that in a few days and scoff at myself I bet!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

week 109 - fail

am blaming the post holiday/muse/illness high, fell into a fog of 'meh' last week. Struggled to do much past the bare minimum in terms of living. Lots of laundry and cleaning house, not much else. I ate badly, on my birthday (Sunday) I ate LOTS of wheat, including more than one piece of cake and drank a bottle of wine to myself.

Hello bloat.

Realised on Monday it was 3 weeks since I went for a real run. I'd been for a few half arsed jogs, but it's not close to enough. Everything has gone a bit mushy. I'm barely drinking enough water, I'm staying up too late reading, I'm not running/exercising properly and I'm definately not being mindful of my eating.

So this week sees a 6lb bloaty gain. 11lbs up from pre-holiday weight. Um, oops.

Today I've got up, fed kids, showered and dressed and drank water then eaten my breakfast. Going to hope the weather holds and take halflings to the park for some conker hunting. Plotting a run tonight and tomorrow before restarting the shred on Friday.

Am also going to photoblog my food this week, just so I can break the habit of shovelling food in without thinking.

Friday, September 24, 2010

All caught up

with my blog, getting back on track, the laundry (as much as I ever am), the paperwork (the pile is not taller than me anymore) and the bills (meaning I know exactly what we owe where..)


back to reality.

Going to run tomorrow, for real. It may have to be a quickie, but trainers will pound pavement within the next 24 hours. I want to see a loss next week!

I'm aiming now for getting to my weightwatchers gold goal/141lbs/a BMI of under 25 for the New Year. That gives me 3 months to lose 38lbs. I want to go back to meeting when I get well into the 150s again, hopefully around mid November. So I can get my 75lbs certificate and have the incentive of gold membership/free weigh ins to keep me on track.

My mum has rejoined this week after slowly regaining 15-20lbs herself. She's gone to a Wednesday group, so we can weigh in together for now, me with the Wii until I get close enough to goal to go.

Short term goal is to Shred and shed for October. I want to get to my 4th stone (back) off for the last weigh in of October.

Exciting news.. quick everyone. Eat!

Saturday 18th-Sunday 19th

My brother has gotten engaged. Well it happened a week ago, but I've been busy, so today it really sank in. Mostly because the family went out to celebrate. That's me and my tribe, my parents, my brother and fiancee and my sister and her EmoBoy.

Nom nom nom. Some yummy pub food and knickerbocker glory (which I managed to klutz over and ask our waiter for some knickerboxers, sigh) later and we trampled home. A couple of hours later I went down to my parents for a champagne buffet dinner and chatter about wedding clothes etc.

Fun, but calorific. And no real exercise outside of the 45mins easy walking.

The next day was a shared roast lunch at our flat for everyone, more wedding chatter and enjoying all 12 of us being together to celebrate my birthday a week early. Celebrating my birthday seemed to consist of my dad going on and on about me not being a 'young adult' anymore, and being in my late twenties. Shouting '27!!!' at random intervals was also a popular pastime for the day. Though I don't relish the fact that my 20s thus far have been somewhat eclipsed by breeding, I am not ridiculous enough to feel that 20-anything is an age to sob into my stuffing about, so I just enjoyed my roast and tried to pretend not to know the calories 0_0

Center Parcs

Monday 13th-Friday 17th

Packed up and out on the Monday by 1030, I was still shattered, and looking forward to sitting down on the longer train for an hour or two. Didn't happen as the train was packed!

Had a lovely week, though it flies by and we were very aware of how much the break was costing. The younger three have never been swimming. I had taken Seth before, but with Maya being terrified of the bath until a few months ago we had never attempted to go as a family. A swim at our local pool would cost £20-30, too much to spend for 5mins splashing and a tantrum!

Turns out they all loved it. Seth had some new armbands and doggy paddled loads. Going to have to find the ASA website for those swimming badges kids get at school. It's one of the few awards I remember feeling really proud of achieving! Malachi, rather than freaking at the water dove right in. Literally. Paddling away into the deep end with no floatation device. Monkey. The girls were reluctant to let go of me at all, so that meant that wherever I went I was swimming with no arms, which is surprisingly hard to do for 2 hours at a time!

I did not shred, because I forgot the DVD *headdesk* but honestly, we were busy all. day. long. There were no 20mins spare because I was too busy and active. Swam 2-4 hours each day, walked lots, went for 2 runs through the forest. It was fab.

Slideshow N. (not really) B. - it is kinda out of order, and mostly goes backwards... but whatever.

Although I did not hit my goal of a bmi <30 for the holiday, I got bloody close! Weighing 174lbs, I was 5lbs away, and down 30lbs since June. I felt whale like in the pool, but whenever I caught sight of myself I was pleased at the fact I felt like more of an Orca than a blubbery Blue.

June - squeezing 200+lbs in, just. Ouch. September - fitting, circulation in limbs useful when swimming.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

the mighty weekend of Muse

Friday 10th-Sunday 12th

After struggling through snot-ville for a few days, by Friday my throat was feeling a bit better, and I'd stopped sneezing. Sam was off work, and I was beyond reason with excitement. Set off for my friends house by midday as I was bouncing around the flat and winding the kids up.

I wore the dress that was my 'fit into it by my birthday' goal. While I felt incredibly self conscious, I also really enjoyed wearing something that looked how I felt, if that makes any sense. Spending time with my friends, without our children to look after/amuse/feed/get home for bed was so much fun, and something I've not done since my teens. No, really!

I did just forgot calorie counting, eating hotdogs (big rank ones that my body evicted the next day) and drinking alcopops and fizzy drinks and caffeine. I was totally hyper and very, very happy.

Screamed and bounced our way through many hours of live stadium music, then squeezed home by 2am. Sam had managed to get all 4 to bed, (I have spent a week with very needy girls after the source of 'boobies' disappeared) so I scooted in, fed the girls 3-4 times each by 6am and then headed back out before any of them realised I'd been back.

Grabbed my my sister on the way to the station at 6.30am we went and queued outside Wembley. Rain, sushi, long toilet queues and after 8-9 hours of sitting on wet sloping concrete we were in, and *so* close, we could touch the barrier. Disaster struck, in the form of horrendous cramps and feeling very sick. After an hour of standing I felt awful, realised there was no way I was going to make the 3 hours until Muse, and tears-in-eyes explained where I'd meet my group after the gig and jumped/pushed my way out.

Bloody hot dog!! I enjoyed the Saturday gig loads, but argh. If I'd just eaten properly the day before I'd have had an immense experience. To add insult to injury, I had to dash out during the encore because my period finally showed her fugly face. 3-4 weeks late. Muse were awesome, obviously.
Sunday I was dead, felt so grotty it was wrong. But did final packing for holidays and then cleaned the flat with Black Holes and Revelations giving me a post-gig high.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

week 108 - 5lbs

OK, so 5lbs is a big gain. I know that any other week I'd be wailing but I'm really flipping happy with this.

I've gone 2 weeks without weighing/tracking, I've been on holiday, eating out, eating desserts, eating wheat, barely running. And I've *only* gained 5lbs. Wow.

Week 108 - 5lb gain
43lb total loss

I weighed myself on the Thursday before Muse and saw a STS. After a week of shredding, being full of cold and 3 days pre-period that was fab.

Back on plan from today, hoping to be rid of these lbs by October so I can blast the 30lbs to a healthy BMI over the last 3 months of this year.

The shredding has not happened, what with having a mega cold, then holiday, then poorly babies that won't give me 10 minutes without needing snuggles. I will rejoin the challenge for October, though I am doing 20mins activity a day, so I'll keep on top of that for the last week of this month.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

week 4 #ddgbd

Start weight 179lbs, weight now ???

Goals from now until December:  (in green if done this week)

  1. Drink 3.5litres (14 glasses) of water a day. - big oops. One day at CP I *only* drank 8 glasses.
  2. Complete 10k run.
  3. Complete 100 Pushup Challenge.
  4. Get back into size 10 clothes.
  5. Go out to socialise (that's me, not my kids) / email/phone someone *just* to be sociable every week - (this could be hard! I can tend to be a hermit). - went night swimming with my siblings and friend :)
ONE brag for the week: I went into that swimming pool, in front of people I know well and enjoyed myself. Another prison wall that I'd let the fat build around me broken down.
ONE thing to improve upon for next week: Got to get back on top of tracking/weighing etc.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Realised none of the posts I set up to keep the blog alive have published - probably because I saved them as drafts!

Will fill gaps at the weekend but main points are

I'm not lagging

I had a cold and chose to let go of shred each day in order to not burn out - nsv for me - moderation.

I have done 20mins (way more most days) of activity daily.

I had a STS at weigh in on Wednesday - full of cold, PMS bloating and retaining water from the week of shred!

I went to see Muse 2 nights running at Wembley Stadium, returning home for 4 hours to grab some shuteye and feed babies. I was KNACKERED, but wow was it good!

Monday we went to centerparcs, where I am now rushing this on the sliver of WiFi my iPhone just found!!

Back on Friday, lots of pictures and updates coming. Including the dreaded swimming cossie pics! 0_o

Hope everyone is having a super September!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone and a sliver of WiFi in a big forest

Sunday, September 12, 2010

week 3 #ddgbd

Start weight 179, weight now 174

Goals from now until December:  (in green if done this week)
  1. Drink 3.5litres (14 glasses) of water a day.
  2. Complete 10k run.
  3. Complete 100 Pushup Challenge.
  4. Get back into size 10 clothes.
  5. Go out to socialise (that's me, not my kids) / email/phone someone *just* to be sociable every week - (this could be hard! I can tend to be a hermit).
ONE brag for the week: Wore what I *wanted* to go out and have fun, didn't hide myself ashamed.
ONE thing to improve upon for next week: Keep activity levels up while away, it's not all or nothing, I can be on holiday and not 'on plan' without becoming a crazy sofa dwelling binge monster!

Tuesday, September 07, 2010


I have a headcold. I think it's better today, it needs to be gone by The Weekend Of Incredibleness or I'll throw the biggest sulk in the history of pre-menstrual stroppage.

On Sunday I did the shred twice, back to back. It hurt, I died. The end. I had noticed that day that Seth and Kai got a bit snotty towards evening, but chose to ignore it. Monday I woke with a tight head and scratchy throat and wanted to eat everything with flour that I could think of. By mid afternoon I was sneezing everywhere, all 4 kids were a bit whingy and snotty too. I waited until Sam got in and went out for a walk, I had wanted to run, simply because I hadn't for nearly a week, and don't want to slip backwards. After walking 5 mins in the drizzle I started to jog, more to keep warm than anything. I told myself I'd not push, just do 2km. After 5km I stopped. I felt better for the run, and the guilt of having eaten several chocolate foodstuffs was a little less heavy on my heart too.

Today I am feeling less weighed down by the cold. But my throat and ears are all itchy, blugh. Maya has a swollen cheek/lip on one side, looks a bit sad to be honest. Other than that all appear a bit better, eating normally etc.

I am NOT going to shred today, because as a few wise friends have pointed out, pushing myself too hard while ill isn't going to do anything but eff up all the work I've done if I have a meltdown. I need to be well for the weekend. That means today I shall keep active, but not push myself to the point of exhaustion. I can always 'catch up' a shred or two down the line, Or I can count the 40mins running yesterday as day 6 & 7 activity, eh?

I've a feeling I've gained this week. Between having been expecting my period for the last 2.5weeks (another thing that I would really like to happen BEFORE Muse and a week of swimming), eating dougnuts at the weekend, having eaten over my 'allowance' every day and having shredded my muscles to the point of stiff painful 2 day aching all over... I reckon the scales will not grace me with a miracle loss this time.

But, my body is getting littler. I was musing about what to wear on Friday, as we'll be in seats for the first gig. My friend was discussing her wardrobe plans and I immediately thought of the dress I want to fit into for my birthday in 3 weeks time. I went to try it on to see if it was closer to zipping up. I actually let out an audible squeak when it not only zipped up, but felt comfy, not-tight, perfect.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

week 2 #ddgbd

2. start weight 179, weight now 174
3. Goals from now until December:  (in green if done this week)

  1. Drink 3.5litres (14 glasses) of water a day.
  2. Complete 10k run.
  3. Complete 100 Pushup Challenge.
  4. Get back into size 10 clothes.
  5. Go out to socialise (that's me, not my kids) / email/phone someone *just* to be sociable every week - (this could be hard! I can tend to be a hermit).

ONE brag for the week: Started the 30 day shred, and kept going even though it HURT.
ONE thing to improve upon for next week: Enjoy the outdoors with the kids more while it's still warm enough to do it!

Looking backwards

is usually not a good idea when you are trying to forge a path to somewhere new. It's proven a worthwhile exercise today though.

Spent the day in Reigate Priory Park, one of the kids' favourite playgrounds. It's a short walk from my MILs house, and had a £6million makeover in recent years. Lots of different play structures, sand, water and a pirate ship - lots of fun. I remember first going over when the girls were 5-6months old and they'd just sleep/nurse in a wrap on me as Sam watched Kai and Seth played. Last summer the girls started to join in on the ground, I had lost a significant amount of weight and was enjoying being out in the sun, playing.

I felt self conscious this weekend. All the time I was losing weight I saw myself as the very obese me, needing to lose weight. Then when my head finally caught up to where my body was, I was gaining the weight again. Even though my body was again obese, in my head I was the woman who had lost 5 stone.

The last couple of months I've been thinking of myself as the obese woman who has regained most of her weight. The failure, as fat and unfit as she ever was. Slowly, ever so slowly, that's changing. I realise that to be able to run 5k I can't be totally unfit. To be fitting back into clothes I hadn't done since having any of my kids, I can't be as fat as I'm seeing myself. To be setting goals and achieving them, or getting damn close I can't be classed a 'failure'.

Was looking through pics from last year and found one of me feeding the girls at a halloween slingmeet last year. I remember feeling happy, even though I had put weight back on and had a way to go I was 'on it' and felt like the girl who was winning at weightloss and fitness. I was *smiling* at the camera! Sam even muttered something about how happy I had seemed at that point. I feel that happy now, but not with the state of my body. I looked at that picture and wished I was that size again. I thought to give myself a boost, I'd check to see how far I have to go to get there. Late October last year, I had returned to meetings after gaining 30lbs, and weighed in at 178lbs. Hang on.. 178lbs. I'm lighter now??! OK. So then I uploaded the pics from Sams iPhone, and saw what I really look like now. Not the blob in my head. Overweight, yes. Needing a bit more sun on that scary pale skin, very yes. Unfit, failing and a big fatty? Not really. If I saw another woman my size I certainly wouldn't be so cruel in my judgement, I'm sure.


Saturday, September 04, 2010

week 105 - late

Week 105 - 3lb loss
48lb total loss

BMI - 30.9
Weight - 174lbs. 5lbs to holiday goal.

An OK week this week. Not the mad 'must hit my goal' scramble it could have been, but I think that is good. I went out with my kids, I spent a day at a friends, I went with Seth to central London for a meet and through it all the 'diet' didn't interfere with my life. I worked out, I tracked my calories but most importantly I balanced things. 
Completed the awesome august challenge and got ready (sat in a corner rocking) to start the 30 day shread. Don't know what I'll do about running while Shred is on, will see how my body copes.

Drank 98 glasses of water, drinking much less than 3.5 litres (14 glasses) a day now I get a mild headache, wondering how many migraines I'd not have had to suffer if I'd been drinking enough! 505 minutes walking, 95 minutes (12.5k) running, 133 mins Wii fit (whoop), 52 pushups and 224 reps with handweights. 
Averaged over the week I had 1770 calories a day.

There's just over a week now until my 'goal deadline', our family holiday and the Muse stadium gigs. 10 weeks ago I was well back into being obese. I weighed it, ate and acted it. Now there's just 5lbs left to be back in the 20s for BMI. I'm so much stronger, I'm healthy. I'm down 30lbs in 2 months.  Even with less than a 5lb loss next week, I'll be wearing a smug grin at what I have managed.

Friday, September 03, 2010

phoning it in

had to look up the meaning of the phase, after Jillian spitting it at me several times over the last three days. Had to restrain myself this evening, as the urge to throw my dumbell through the screen - after she accused me of the phoning thing - was strong.

definition - 'phoning it in'

to give a poor performance; not to try very hard
Now I'm concerned, in that I probably do give a poor performance, but I really am trying very hard!! I've been exercising lots in the last 2 months. Lots of running, wii fit, starting strength training. The Shred really pushes me. Doing Abs is so hard, but feels great to know my muscles there are finally healed and getting stronger again. My entire body is wrecked, I ache. I was so, so tempted to not Shred today - but have anyway.

not phoning it in...
Have had a fun week, it's gone by fast, and I am shattered. So ready to rest this weekend, before the big whirlwind of the next one hits!

On Bank Holiday I took Seth out shopping for swimming cossies, as I realised only Seth and I had any! Tuesday I took just my biggest with me to the RFH on Southbank, to a slingmeet (oh, how I've missed these meets!) and finalised(ish) plans for next Friday. 

The Muse tickets have all (finally) arrived, so now I know what I'm doing when. There's no way I'll fit in a shred on the Saturday (day 11) as I'll be out from dawn until midnight. Will do two lots one day midweek to 'catch up' or something. Reckon all the bouncing around should be as much, if not more, of a workout. (Or does decent music mean I'm phoning it in, Jillian?? :p )

Have had a few comments about how much weight I've lost (again) which is nice, I am almost forgetting sometimes where I am on this 'journey' - the fact that I am getting healthier and stronger is much more of a priority than it has been ever before. Someone will ask how much I've lost, and I'll answer 'Oh, around xx, but I can run, and I have started weights. Hey, do you use freeweights? Show me, show me!'

Seth informed me, after I weighed in 2 days ago, that I'm 'getting smaller, not too fat anymore now, not small yet, but between them both. A small fat mummy, or a fat small mummy. Your belly does not jump when you jump.' Praise indeed!

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Shredding September..

starts today. I have my pair of 2kg weights, and my dvd. And the knowledge that it is only 10hours total - I have survived birthing 4 children, I can do this.

****************** UPDATE - Shred is dead, long live the alternative plan.. as I got a cold, moshed a lot then went on holidays without Jillian, I'm going to instead aim for the 20 mins a day activity, and do the Shred thing properly in October. When I'm not out for a 72 hour stretch, on going on an activity holiday, or dying of man-flu....******************************

I am going to weigh and measure myself first thing each morning, every 10 days.

day 1 :
  • weight - 174lbs
  • bust - 43"
  • waist - 32" (35" over the baby belly)
  • hips - 43"
  • upper arm - 12"
  • thigh - 25"
I will complete the 20 minutes of Level 1 each day for 10 days, and update here as I go. Hopefully in 30 days this will be a v-e-r-y long post.
  • day 1 -  Got to the end of the first circuit and was sweating. A Lot. Midway through the second circuit I was certain I'd not finish. The third I enjoyed. Bizarre. Best moment was during the 3rd circuit of cardio, Seth looked at me concerned and asked 'does all this jumping make you hurt??' Yes baby. Yes it does.
  • day 2 - ouch ouch, my legs are stiff, but I did it. *and* an hours 'running' on the Wii fit. Too scared to go out and run incase my legs totally seize up on me.
  • day 3 - I feel like it should be easier, but it's not. My entire body was throbbing all day, so I waited for Sam to be home before I began. In case I really needed to just lie down and be a bit dead afterwards.
  • day 4&5 - Missed doing Shred on Saturday, as we were out from mid morning until around 10pm, so I did 2 sessions back-to-back on Sunday morning. Well, I stopped for 5 minutes to unload/reload the laundry.. but yeh, pretty much back to back. And then I died a bit. My boys are really watching me I've noticed. Kai is interested in the Abs stuff and will sit over me watching my stomach wobble work, Seth is ready to criticise any and every time I modify moves. I've a feeling I'm not going to be allowed to get big again without hearing about it from the men in my life... it's a good thing.
  • day 6&7 - no Shred because house has manflu - decide to at least do the 20mins activity a day 40min run on Monday.
  • day 8&9 - packing and walking, an easy 2 days before the madness of Muse.
  • day 10 - 2 hours actively walking, 4 hours bouncing around to live music.
  • day 11 - another 2 hours walking, 8 hours queueing in rain and 4 hours bouncing around to live music.
  • day 12 - died of exhaustion on bus after 6 hours sleep in 3 days. Another 2 hours walking.
  • day 13 - seriously. Broken. Record. 3 hours + walking while carrying baby and/or luggage, unpack and laugh manically when I discover I forgot to pack Jillian. 20 minute run.
  • day 14 - 1-2 hours walking and 2 hours swimming.
  • day 15 - 3 hours swimming and some walking too. Another 20min dash through the forest.
  • day 16 - 3.5 hours swimming and 2 hours walking.
  • day 17 - At least 4 hours walking and 2-3 hours spent playing in adventure playground with kids. Travelling from villa to home took over 12 hours, stopping at activity parks, station with picnic on the platform, 4 trains, and an uphill walk via my parents house before getting home at 10pm.
  • day 18 - 1 hour walk.
  • day 19 - I stayed in damn it. There's enough there to cover me. I'm dead.
  • day 20 - back to the grindstone. Kids have post-holiday grots. I do 3 hours housework (hoovering, dusting. scrubbing)
  • day 21 - an hour tidying the basement - sweaty work
  • day 22 - 4-5 hours deep cleaning our bedroom. Involves moving wardrobes and chest of drawers with entire familys clothes in, 2 double mattresses and one single and hoovering under each, cleaning down skirting and walls and then collapsing in a heap in a much cleaner bed.
  • day 23 - another day 'off' as I'm well in credit, no? Really couldn't do much as twins are both post-cold and nursing all. day. long. Should count as activity IMO.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Yeh, yeh but you're drop dead gorgeous..

Whoop, did the last day of the AwesomeAugust challenge today. Biceps and Triceps curl with small weights and a 'quickie' 2.5k run. August has been awesome and I'm set to Shred September. At this rate I'll be looking good by December. In fact, I could go for being Drop Dead Gorgeous by December!The sentiment is nice, anyway.

With day 24 of activity complete today, I've finished my second project since recomitting myself 2 months ago. Two months of sticking to it has seen me melt 2 stone away. I've gone from *just* running 60 seconds to doing 5k every other day. From overeating to counting calories honestly. From fizzy drinks to 3.5litres of pure water every day.

I feel fantastic after two months. All I need to do now is maintain this current rhythm, and I'm winning all round. With under 40lbs to lose to hit a healthy BMI, I have my sights set on the New Year as a goal. 10lbs a month would see me go into 2011 'healthy' in every sense.

So Jess' challenge for overall health is *perfect* for me, and I'm excited to have another group of motivated bloggers to journey with.

Each Sunday I will be turning in my 'report' to Jess.
1. A photo of yourself with a self-motivational note.
2. Posting your weight is completely optional.
3. At least one but no more than five long-term goals.
4. One brag for the week.
5. One thing to improve upon for next week.

So, starting a week late (as DDGBD began last Sunday, but I promised myself one 'challenge' at a time while I refound my mojo) I'll post my first report here, as I think I'm late for deadline (never was good at handing in my homework)

'won't stop getting back on it'

(defense of the strop face - I asked Sam to take a pic and it was this, or deranged. We've seen enough of the lunatic-me, so emo-me is getting some face fringe time. The reason for my moping? Sam taking great pleasure in laughing at me; 'won't stop getting on what? *snigger* *click*'

Starting Weight: 179lbs - now 177lbs

Goals from now until December:
  1. Drink 3.5litres (14 glasses) of water a day.
  2. Complete 10k run.
  3. Complete 100 Pushup Challenge.
  4. Get back into size 10 clothes.
  5. Go out to socialise (that's me, not my kids) / email/phone someone *just* to be sociable every week - (this could be hard! I can tend to be a hermit).

ONE brag for the week: I went out running, in the rain. I was soaked to the bone but I ran my 5k anyway. I used to run to get IN from the rain, now I go out in the rain to run.
ONE thing to improve upon for next week: Getting myself showered and dressed before lunch every day, rather than focusing on kids and house and leaving self looking like a scarecrow!

September 5th. 

Saturday, August 28, 2010

What a difference a day 24 days make...

Did my push ups today, after getting in from a fun day spent visiting and chatting with a friend who is really being a huge support and inspiration in my bid to get healthy. She's just completed the c25k too and really spurred me on. She's now doing over 6k in sub-35 times!!!!

I have really changed my outlook on exercise. I used to see it as a chore I did to lose weight. Now it's more balanced. I exercise to be healthy and strong. It helps me lose weight, and losing weight means that the exercise I do is more efficient in making me healthy and strong. Yes, I want to be slim, I want to wear nice clothes. But as much as I want that, I want to be strong, I want to be fit.

On Thursday it was a wet day. We were stuck in and bored. The post came, bringing the shred DVD, weights AND the new Wii remotes and nunchuks we've needed. For ages now we've had just one 'working' remote, near death.

We played on Wii fit for the afternoon. Over the course of 6 hours I got 2.5hours of working out in. Yoga, muscle workouts as well as the 'fun stuff'. The kids really enjoyed watching, and were interested in learning about what specific exercises did. So that was my days activity, 622 calories and a Physical Ed lesson all squashed with one nunchuk.

Wednesday it was pissing it down, but I went out anyway, determined to at least try to run. I did my 5k, soaked to the bone and freezing after being pummelled by rain, and full body splashed by a double decker bus. I was out again Friday, despite being shattered and having done strength training.

Today's activity was day 23 of the challenge. Only one day is left now, so after my 5k tomorrow I'll have done it.I do feel awesome!

During the travelling today I walked for 90minutes at least, while carrying one, sometimes both, of the twins. As I was walking up the stairs at the train station on my way home, I remarked to E how out of breath I was. Just a few stairs and my respiratory system was working like it does towards the end of a 5k. I had Anya on my back, and carried Maya in arms up these stairs, and for, at most, 100 metres beforehand. That's an extra weight of 53lbs, a whole 2lb UNDER the weight I was in the summer of 2007. How did I let myself get so incredibly unfit??? Never, ever again.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

27 dresses 27 AND dresses

I have never really worn dresses. I've always LOVED how they look on others. Especially petite, spunky, impish girls. But not me. Nope. I was too big, couldn't pull of the look. Wouldn't work. Ugh, how I wish my head and body issues hadn't robbed me of dressing myself the way that this pixie chick should have been....

not pixie like at all. Nope.
So, realising that at 5'3" and once I reach a BMI of 22, a natural size 8 - I really should be classed as 'petite' by high street standards. (Well aware that I will always be 'fat' to the true fashionistas!) I am going to buy and wear (once I fit) what I would admire on other females of that build.

The year I live 27, I shall wear 27 dresses. Minus the drama (and hopefully the neon) of Katherine Heigls experience! I shall challenge myself to wear out 27 different dresses between 26/09/2010 and 25/09/2011. To be seen my people OTHER than immediate family, and to get photographic evidence. Will take really feeling confident and comfy in my skin to do it, definately outside my comfort zone. Part of my dads 'father of the bride' speech included a ha-ha about the shock of seeing me dressed like a girl. Only memories of me wearing a dress were limited to being a bridesmaid aged 5. Sam is always begging me to wear skirts/dresses, and part of my gift to him on our anniversary was me wearing a dress.. with leggings underneath!

To get the ball rolling I have bought myself a very girly dress to wear for my birthday in one months time.

I need to lose a good 3" to get that zipper up. It's going to be embarrassing wearing it out if I'm hanging out one side! I've no idea how much I need to lose to get into it, would guess it'll be around the mid 160s.

Game on!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

week 104

Week 104 - 2lb loss
45lb total loss

BMI - 31.4
Weight - 177lbs. 8lbs to holiday goal.

Not the 3-4lb loss I was heading for prior to our Anniversary dinner munching session - but a 2lb loss on a week where I have gone out and eaten a calorific 3 course pub meal, *with* drinks *and* lots of dairy *and* wheat *and* my favourite chocolate with a movie later the same day, is a HUGE loss I think!

Drank 98 glasses of water, just over target of 95. Am pleased with how easily I am drinking 3.5 litres (14 glasses) a day now! 632 minutes (10.5 hrs) walking, 114 minutes (15.5k) running, 40 mins Wii fit (finally) and 123 pushups. 

Was aiming for 1600 calories a day, and eating any extra I burned through exercise too, so really eating around 2,000 a day. (Got to love breastfeeding for weight control!) That seemed plenty, no room for silliness, but not leaving me hungry/tetchy.  Until the blowout that was Monday! Averaged over the week I had 2110 calories a day, leaving a 1750 deficit for the week. Should mean a 1/2lb loss, got 2lb. Happy, happy.

Of course, it's totally possible that the girls fed more than the 500 or so calories a day I've allowed on MyFitnessPal , or that the walking I don't factor in is actually 'worth' a lot more, or that I overestimated how many calories was in the food I ate (or how much I ate) while out.

There's just over 2 weeks now until our break, and the Muse stadium gigs. Only 9 weeks ago I had 2.5 stone (35lbs) to lose to no longer be obese. Now there's just 8lbs left. I've been losing at an average of 3lbs a week, just need to step it up a tiny bit to make my goal to be fit enough to enjoy Muse two nights in a row, and to shift enough flab to fit into my togs to be able to get into the pool for a weeks worth of swimming! 

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

August has been Awesome, September will be shredded.

There's just a week to go, and August will be done. I'm 3/4 of the way through completing the 24 days of activity for Awesome August. I have enjoyed the challenge, and some days having it at the back of my mind has been the extra push I needed to get out and run, or do some strength training. My body is so much fitter than it was even a month ago. It truly feels awesome. So thankyou HealthyLoserGal!

I'm finding that I feel well settled back into the groove of getting healthy. The eating is OK, and the exercise, really like never before I am priotising as highly as the eating. This time it's not simply about getting smaller. It's about getting well. Fit, healthy and able to USE my smaller body.

I'm ready for more challenges, more to push me forwards, further. Who springs to mind when I think of pushing further.. ack. Hey there Jillian. 0_0 Who called you?

The 30 day shred. You know the drill. Workout every day, for 2 minutes, for 30 days. Nearly die. Every day. For 20 minutes. At the end of 30 days feel like She-Ra. At least that's what I've been led to believe.

I started the shred last summer. Naturally, being the flake I am was, I did not finish. I got 33-50% of the way through and stopped. No-one seemed to care, or notice. All was fine, I told myself I'd pick it back up when I had time/space/needed to kickstart weightloss. The idea of becoming stronger didn't grab me.

But now it does. And so when Syl said "come on, I know you want to", I had to hold myself back from jumping out of my seat and sending sleeping toddlers into orbit.

I've bought the dvd (because my old copy only worked on my laptop and, er, died) and a pair of hand weights. I am READY to be shredded.

September 1st I will be taking my measurements and a photo, and posting them here. Every 10 days I'll move up a level, and post a new picture. At the end of the month I will re-measure and see how much of me was shredded over the 30 days.

Monday, August 23, 2010

7 years, 8 stones.

I've been married to my husbeast. 7 mad, wonderful, chaotic years of growing up, having our babies and eating too much!

As a surprise, Sam had taken today off, and arranged with my parents for us to have 4 hours child-free!! For the first time since we've been parents, we went out together. Alone.

Went for a 3 course meal, with grown up messy starters, mains with sizzling pork and curried King Prawns and big ice cream desserts. Followed by Baileys Lattes and a giggly drunk shop at the supermarket to get some food in for the childrens' dinner.

This is the first year we've really celebrated our anniversary as a couple, and it was LOVELY. Really enjoyed having Sam to myself, though we were both ready to see the halflings when our coach turned back into a pumpkin.

We both went WAY over calories today, (though I ran tonight to try and melt some of it) but it's well and truly a one off. AND we both tracked the calories. Sam has a week to claw back the extra 3,500 (!!!!!) he consumed. I went over by a lot less, and even without saving any more tomorrow I'm under 2,000 a day over the week. But with 10lbs to lose in 3 weeks, and weigh-in due in 36hours, it's a bit close for comfort!

Was working out our weights earlier, and we are both now more than 4 stone (60lbs) heavier than on our wedding day. (Sam was around 14'10, I was 8'10). We both have BMI of 31.7 now.

Would say we are definately a couple effected by each others healthy habits (or lack of). I hadn't realised how unfit Sam had become, though I teased him about going to the gym. Only watching him get breathless walking up the (admittedly fairly steep and mile long) hill today did I realise that his cardiovascular fitness was as bad as mine had been a few weeks ago. No way I will convince him to run, but I think I need to really encourage him to visit the gym every other day on the way home to use their cross trainer!

Two months ago I walked home from my parents and realised I was struggling on the final bend at the top of the hill. Today I could giggle, mock Hubby and run backwards without my breathing being affected. Result!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

My Yeti, the abdominal-grow-man

Week 1 (aug 15) - 273
Week 2 (aug 22) - 267

Sam has been overweight for as long as I have. Though I've always known he's been too big, I hadn't really paid attention to it since we got married. Just being tall makes it less obvious, or I was just as pig ignorant of the changes in his body as he was those that went on in mine.

Before our wedding he dropped around 50lbs by calorie counting. Followed weightwatchers with me after we lost our first baby and got to his goal again. Since then though he's declined any offers to join me in losing weight. Until now.

All of his trousers are too small. He'd thought his suit trousers were too big as they were falling down, and assumed they were a 38. Turns out they are 42 and not fitting over his gut. Measured his waist last Sunday and it was 46". That convinced him to get on the Wii. He thought he was 18 stone (252lbs) I thought closer to 20 (280).

Weighed in at 19st 7lb (273lb) at 6ft 4.5" that is a BMI of 32.8. Higher than mine! That shocked him. He needs to be 14 stone 12lb (208lbs) to be at the top end of a 'healthy' BMI. 65lbs to lose, over 20% of his body weight.

After a week of counting calories (or letting me count/weigh/measure every thing he eats) he weighed in today at 267lb. Down 6lb in a week, and eating 1900 calories a day. His waist is down to 43" already. Very pleased to have him join me in my our quest to give our kids, and each other, a healthy, happy family.

Friday, August 20, 2010

5k inside 35 minutes :)

Haven't done that since I was 15. Strike that, I think at 15 it took me 35 minutes. Tonight I ran my 5k, and I pushed harder, *believed* that I could increase my stride, just a little, and I did. I did the first km in under 5 minutes, and felt fine, not breathless at all. Really, totally awesome. I felt quite bouncy and happy most of the run. Hit an 'eek' couple of minutes about halfway, but decided to push and run faster, and soon was through it.

Had a couple of giggly moments too. At one point I had 'Dog Days' playing, and as I ran the length of the horses field I had Florence blaring at me 
The horses are comin' so you better run

Run fast for your mother; run fast for your father /

Run for your children all your sisters and brothers /
Leave all your love and your longing behind.
You can't carry it with you / if you want to survive

The dog days are over

The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses
'Cos here they come

Then on the way back I was wondering if I'd actually manage to hit 5k in under 35mins. I'd just had my 3k feedback at nearly 21 minutes, so it was going to be close, but attainable if I really went for it. I want to run faster, but I'm just not sure that it's possible for me yet.

Then I saw this in a shop window -

So I stopped daydreaming, told myself I could do it.. and I did. 5.05k in 34.41. ^_^

Thursday, August 19, 2010

week 103 - the day the earth scale stood still

Week 102 - maintain
43lb total loss

BMI - 31.8
Weight - 179lbs. 10lbs to holiday goal.

So, yes. Eat the calories to 'maintain' and you will maintain.

Actually, after a 4lb loss the week previously, and just eating how I wanted.. it's a bloody good result. I haven't been 'careful' with my eating, but aware, and honest. I haven't been pushing myself on the exercise front, but have kept active. I had a hard week, and instead of pushing against it until it broke me, or being swept away, I found a solid footing and held firm until the winds stopped howling.

I'm really very happy. I think I've been rational, dare I say it? I've been moderate in my approach this week. In my thinking, eating and behaviour. Madness.

So, 10lbs to lose in 3 weeks now. It's tight. I can do it. I know in my gut I can.

Oh, also. Got the kids on the Wii to measure them all last week. Found that Rhino-boy (Kai) weighs 43lbs. So I've lost the equivalent weight of my uber-solid 3.5 year old. Will have to do a photo of us both sharpish.

And.. Sam has started a diet. Using myfitnesspal to track his calories. He weighed in Sunday and felt a bit shocked at the result, so is eating what I give him and nothing else. It's mega task tracking my food, and his whilst cooking for him twice a day (he eats seperately to us, as he gets in around 7.30-8pm, too late for the kids to wait for their evening meal, and I also prepare him his lunch for the next day as I do the childrens dinner). Worth it though. He'd lost 2" from his waist in the first 48 hours!! His weigh in day is Sunday, so I'll update how he's done in his first week then. He has a decent amount to shift, but he's always been an easy on/easy off type. *growl*

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

hitting the wall

pointless, painful, and leaves grazes that sting for days after you've stepped aside and walked around the wall, rather than attempting to beat it into submission.

That's how this week has felt. Really looking forward to weigh in tomorrow, not because I expect to see anything pleasing, but because I want a fresh week to get on with.

I've spent the week feeling dazed and confused, not on plan with my calories, not plotting my eating for the day. Deciding at the last minute to go for a run. Eating way too much chocolate, grazing on a few wheaty nibbles here and there, and occasionally thinking 'ah, today is sunk anyways, I'll just have xxx anyway' UGH.

After completing c25k last Thursday, I didn't run again until Sunday evening. Managed 12 minutes and then couldn't make myself go anymore. So I stopped 0_0 and walked. Took myself back out last night, determined to get a grip and run. Managed 5.2k in 39 minutes. Struggled, but did it. Did pushups week 2 day 1 on Friday morning, then no more until tonight. The weekend - Friday midday until late Monday was a washout, eating lots, sitting lots, moving little. The only thing I did 'right' was drink my water. Last night I realised I'd still got 12 days of activity to do this month for the august challenge, and 15 days left to do them, I needed to stop being all emo and get back on track, pronto (so thanks HealthyLoserGal).

Anyway, over now. I've planned a run tomorrow, am going to do 5k every other night for the 2-3 weeks my sister is away. Hopefully get my time closer to 30mins by then.

Drank 101 glasses of water this week (target according to app was 95), 425 minutes walking, 82 minutes running and 102 pushups. I ate an average of 2318 calories a day, oops! To maintain, according to myfitness app, I would expect to eat 2360 a day though. And by their calculations at 1860 a day I'd lose 1lb a week. I've been losing 3lb at that rate, so hoping I will get a sts.

Going to aim for higher calories next week. As 1360 is too low I feel, leadsing me to overeat. If I aim for 1600 I hope to stay within my calories each day, without getting silly hungry and going OTT.

My hands are grazed, but I'm walking around the wall, and ready to sprint as far as I can, or until I reach the next one!

It's not forever, just for the rest of my life..

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Give blood, eat a free bar of Green&Blacks.

I still had to pay for it at the till, but apparently the calories are a freebie.

Have struggled to not go on a bad, mad eating spree over the last 48hours. Finally feeling it shifting now, after a migraine that got drugged in time last night. Must be ovulation time for me, would mean my cycles are settling I guess.

Friday evening I went to donate blood for the first time since University. Stopped at the co-op on the way and grabbed myself a big 100g bar of Almond G&Bs while there (how evil are they to have stocked my 2nd favourite flavour, grr) as I knew the NHS vampire service would be wanting to see me eat post-bloodletting, but only be offering snacks of wheat laden biscuits.

Was only after Seth asked whether taking my blood meant they were taking my 'power and energy' that I wondered about the caloric values of blood-making. Thought about how much energy it would take for my body to replenish the plasma, cell count etc. So I did what any self-respecting internetaholic would do and grabbed my phone to google it, while on the gurney. According to a lot of yahoo answers type threads, donating a unit means burning an 'extra' 600-650 cals in the following days as the body replaces it. Sweet.

Felt a little happier laying on the bed with the stint pulling the blood out my arm, knowing that I was burning 100cals every one of those 6 minutes. That's waaaay more efficient than running.

Seriously though, tucking into that chocolate was good. I'm looking at around 1700-1800 cals a day this week, feeling hungry on much less but worry that I won't have a loss come Wednesday.

Attempted a run tonight, but was lagging. After the first 2km I had to stop, and instead walked an extra 5km. My head feels woozy still, so I assume the migraine is still there, hoping to jump me as soon as I let my guard down. Not going anywhere without my codeine now!

Friday, August 13, 2010

farewell Ms. Procrastinator-pants

because last night I finished the graduation run for c25k. Pace was up to 7:11min a km, and I don't think I was pulling a Phoebe, so all good.

Very almost didn't go. I hadn't run on Wednesday as I took my parents dog for a 5mile walk instead (dad is away camping, mum dislikes walking the dog as he's not trained to her standards.) I knew I had to go last night, as I'm donating blood today, and didn't want to wait until Saturday to do the final run.

We went over to my mother-in-laws for the afternoon though, played in the sandy park all afternoon, and spent 3.5 hours walking/on public transport getting there and back. By the time we got in and the kids were fed it was 10pm.

Posted an 'ugh I CBA' status onto facebook, then pulled myself together and my trainers on and got out the door. Once I was running I felt good. It felt easier again, like I was pushing myself, but the resistance wasn't so furious. Had a panic when 10mins into the run I glanced at my GPS and saw I had only just managed .97. Figured it was glitchy, but then at around 18mins I looked again, and it was at 1.7. Really felt awful then, as I was sweaty and, I thought, moving at a decent pace - for me anyway.

Was only with 5 minutes to go that I saw my pace was nearly 6mph, and I realised the settings were still on imperial from editing my weight. *huge sigh of relief* .97 of a MILE in 10mins is far better!!

So, going to do 5k next time, and look forward to getting my speed improved even further, without resorting to the Pheebs method. (Though I will still use it for chasing the Halflings around the park!!)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

week 102 - back over 3 stone loss (halfway to healthy)

Week 102 - 4lb loss 
43lb total loss

BMI - 31.8
Weight - 179lbs. 10lbs to holiday goal.

Back in the 12 stones/170s, whew. All the weight that I had gained over the last 9 months gone. In 7 weeks. Am I pleased that I decided to get back up? Oh yeah. Pleased enough to upload a video of me doing the victory dance? Not quite yet, no. 

Back over the halfway point of the 81lbs between morbidly obese and healthy.. 38lbs left until my bmi is under 25. 

Last week I realised I had a couple of milestones coming up -

Have a couple of goals in grasping distance.
  • 3lbs to be back in the 170s, and my favourite 'big' jeans.
  • 5lbs to reach my 20% loss goal.
Wonder if I can hit those this week?

 I did shift 4lbs. Back in the 170s, and so I *should* be able to fit back into my 'favourite big jeans' They are an Australian 16, and were on an 18 hanger in TKMaxx when I found them back in 2005. Not knowing that was wrong, or that I wasn't even going to fit an 18 by that point I bought them.

Knowing that I finally did fit into them last year, during the time I was in the 160-70lbs range, and that my hips are back to a 44. I thought I'd try and get them on.

Yay! So happy to be getting back into clothes I like wearing, that feel good on, rather than just something to cover up my body. Am looking forward to starting a 'too skinny for these togs' bag fot charity later on, and watching it bulge over the coming weeks as I don't!

So, next week, want to lose more than 1lb, but even then I'll be celebrating reaching 20% bodyweight loss!

legs of a runner, arms of a...

runner. Yeah. Not really getting much attention, my upper body. At least it wasn't until this week.

Since I can only run every other day, and I already walk a fair bit, I needed another exercise to do on my between run days for the Awesome August challenge.

So, I've restarted the hundred pushups challenge, and completed week one earlier today. My upper body ached on Sunday night, kicking in from the first lot of pushups. Did a total of 108 pushups over the 3 days, another 5 weeks and I might will be doing that many in a row. Should make my swim-speed a bit more impressive at Center Parcs!

I've noticed my leg muscles looking, well, more muscle-y in recent weeks, hope I can see changes in my arms soon too. Even at healthy weight I've always wanted more toned upper arms. Hopefully now I'm actually doing the work, I will finally get them.

So far I've exercised 9/10 days. Well on my way to achieving my goal for the month.

Aside from my exercising, I've had a decent enough week. Drank 104 glasses of water (26 litres) over the week, my aim was 98. I've run 12k. I've walked several hours. I've stayed wheat free. I've had an average net daily intake of 1790 calories. Higher than I wanted, lower than last week. I am hoping for a loss anyway. Think the twins are taking a fair few calories to feed still!

Weighed the halflings on the Wii earlier, and saw that they have all gained a lb each in the last month or so. The boys have both grown an inch too.

The twins are now both around 27lbs, nicely inside their BMI zones. I really hope that they are able to stay there. To be obese/overweight as a child must make losing weight as an adult even harder. If it's all you'd ever known, how would you know what you were aiming for?

If I can go a lb further than hitting my goal of 169 and an 'overweight' BMI by September, I'll have lost 54lbs from my Sept 2008 start weight. That's now the equivalent weight of my daughters. To walk into the pool holding them on each hip, rather than waddle in with the equivalent flab around each hip, will be a fantastic victory.

This isn't forever, just for the rest of my life...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

changing gear

One run left and I'll have completed the c25k. I am really, thoroughly chuffed about it. Is giving me something huge, in being able to see my body in a positive light. While I am fat and flabby, after a run I feel differently about myself. In my mind I see a fit, healthy, strong me.

During a run, on the other hand..

Constant dialogue runs through my head, despite my ipod being turned up so far my eardrums are doing their own Zumba class.

I try desperately to think of anything but running, to imagine I'm off somewhere else, hoping that miles of tarmac will pass underfoot, unnoticed.

It starts with me thinking about the state of the pavement
'Oh, it's rained, don't slip into traffic. That would be embarrassing. Can imagine the headline "local obese woman dies while running jogging attempting exercise" Oh.'
'Don't stand on the snails.. I wonder how fast snails actually move, proportionally. Am I *actually* even going faster, once you get me to scale? How depressing.' crunch 'Oops. Well. I'm the faster one now, for sure..'
'Oh good, we're at the horse field already. Ugh. Horse shit. Oh, agh. Really, don't slip in the horse shit and land under a car. That would be even worse.. "Shit covered local obese woman..."'
'Right, stop thinking about running, or death. One I am doing, one I'm not. End of subject. Think of how many calories I'm burning. Must get extra for the amount my arse is jiggling. I could probably literally wobble the fat off if I went fast enough. Ugh, I hope I get faster when I'm lighter. I wonder what the relational rate of weightloss/speed is? Would be awesome to know. 4 stone to lose still, if my kpm got a minute faster per stone I could run 5k in 20mins? Hmm, maybe not.'
'Oh yuck, takeaway food smell. Really would be easier if I wasn't gulping lungfuls of exhaust fumes, secondhand smoke and chip fat while running. Blugh.'
'Seriously, HOW many people are getting takeaway tonight? It's Monday. I've seen no-one else running, 3 people walking, everyone else in cars/buses/waiting for food. No wonder we're all getting flabby, people will be driving to fetch their takeaway soon. Egads, they are!'
 Seriously, I passed 3 Curry houses, 2 chipshops, a kebab house, a Chinese, a fried chicken place, a Bangladesh restaurant, a sandwich shop, a coffee/bakery and a greasy spoon on my run last night. 12 takeaway vendors inside less than a mile.

The good thing, was that for all that my body didn't want to be running, I wanted to be eating in one of those places less. That's some real change of mindset for me.

Sunday, August 08, 2010

One hour left

until I finish the c25k program.
Pretty huge stuff for me, ms never-finish-what-she-starts. That I have gone out every other night for just under 2 months and run. That's a big achievement, a huge change of mindset, and really pushing myself.

I'm then going to run 5k every other night until I am doing it in under 35minutes. I've also got the bridge to 10k app to start. It's a 6 week program, will most likely start it mid September. I know my sister/running buddy wants to do it too, and she's away for 3 weeks now, so will wait for her to be around before beginning.

Today I took firstborn to the cheapy KidsAM showing of the Tooth Fairy. He loved it, and I loved my treat of a Green & Blacks bar, nom. Did a bit of shopping after, worked out we walked about 7 miles over 3 hours. More than earned the calories for my choccy bar.

This evening I (re)started the 100PushUps challenge. Um, ouch. Went with the middle column and was glad I chose not to push for the 3rd one!! Really want to build muscle in my arms to have toned limbs rather than pale flabby appendages.

Tomorrow the twins and I are off to Detling campsite where my sister, her boyfriend and my brother are camping. Have planned and packed my food for the day, and baked cakes (wheat flour, I won't be tempted) to take to the poor tent-dwellers!

Really beginning to enjoy creating/doing stuff again. For the first time in ages, I have the energy to just have fun. Making those cakes was fun, I may not be any good at it, but I enjoy it. And don't scoff it all after.

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Measuring the change

0 4 12 24 33 45 95 101
bust 50 49 46 44 42 39 48 43.5
waist  48 41 40 36 32 30.5 42 35
hips 49 46 45 42 39 38.5 47 44
upperarm 15 14 13.5 12 12 11.5 14 12.5
thigh 29 27 26 24 22 21 26.5 24.5
weight 222 206 195.5 173.5 157 152 204 183

Did my measurements today, very relieved to see the change from six weeks back. 4.5" off my boobs, 3" from my hips and 7 inches from my flabby tum!! Arms and legs are melting again too. Have got my curvy shape back as well, rather than the tied up sausage look of June. Going to keep that tape measure in action over the coming months - will try to remember to measure myself the first weigh in of each month.