Saturday, July 31, 2010

Serious stuff

Have struggled a bit this week, from Wednesday through Friday I was eating wheat, and going over 2000 cals a day. Not binge-style eating, just grazing too much, and letting my hormones decide my diet. Not clever.

Came to a head on Thursday. I'd spent the morning baking, and hadn't yet eaten breakfast (d'oh) when the Victoria sponge cake I'd made for Sam to take into work went wrong. The buttercream wasn't stiff enough, and the whole thing looked messy. I went a little crazy, the mad fat girl inside me was set free, and before I had time to blink I found myself holding a 1/4 of the entire cake at my mouth. Then a little voice said 'don't eat that, it will  make you fat. I don't want you to do that.'

Slow motion I turned around to see my 5 year old son standing beside me, a worried frown etched into his forehead. 'Mummy, you can't eat that. It's bad for you, and too much. You will be poorly..'

Without a seconds hesitation, that whole cake went into the bin.  I couldn't believe what I had nearly done. More than the shame of that though, I felt overwhelmingly angry and upset that I broke my promise to myself. My disordered eating was not meant to have any effect on my kids. Ever. And here was my little boy telling me he was sad and scared of my getting 'too big and feeling sick' Ugh.

Yesterday was better, though not great. I was on the last day of my period and so irritable and hungry and feeling mildly depressed because of the wheat.

So, instead of raiding the fridge at 9pm, I went for a walk to clear my head. That night I was due for a run, but late naps and my sister (running buddy) having a late dinner meant we postponed starting week 8 of c25k until tonight. After walking 5 minutes I felt like running, burning off the stress and calories of the day. I ran 30 minutes straight. I was in pain, feeling the weight of the food I'd eaten, but I ran. Afterwards I felt good. Not euphoric, just 'normal'.

Today I'm back on track. Eating is in control, drinking my water, took the boys to see Toy Story 3 and chugged water as they munched popcorn. In a bit I'm going for a run, 28 minutes tonight, and I know I can do it.

I'm crap at keeping promises to myself, but my son has asked me to 'eat well and get small again', I will not let him down.

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