Friday, August 06, 2010

past the dreaming

It is so easy to spend energy thinking about where I could be now had I stayed the course. Browsing my posts from a year ago I can see what I should have done. I look at my kitchen calendar, which has numbers written and struck-through, estimates of the weight I should be at this point had my 'restart' in January been successful. I look at other bloggers who I was following last summer, many of whom have dropped significant amounts in the last year. and wish I had acted differently.

Getting the summer clothes out for the kids in May, I could see the clothing I wore last year, and knew would now not fit. In pictures I look good. Happy, healthy. I wonder why I was racing so hard to hit goal at 25, and instead have 'wasted' 26 being obese.


I have to move past wishing the past was different. Rather than waiting to be xxx weight to do things, I am going to do them. To get out and do the things I'm witholding for myself as punishment for being fat. I am *not* 'being' fat anymore, my bodyshape is just taking time to reflect who I am now, but it will soon enough. I am going to go to gigs and dance, going to go to baby dolphins with the twins, going to donate blood and not worry that I'm being judged for my size - they want my platelets not my bmi score!

I won't wish that I could be healthy, I am being, I am running. I am drinking my water. I am eating good foods and counting calories. My body is responding - I am fat. I am healthy. I am in better health now than I was 40lbs lighter last year.

I have to stop moping, wishing I had the willpower to see things through, that I could 'do it' - I am doing - I am losing the weight. I am getting stronger. I have completed the water challenge. I have lost 21lbs since June. I am running. 5k in 39 minutes on Monday, 4k in 28minutes on Wednesday. Tonight we begin the final week of c25k. I will have finished the program, *while obese* That IS doing.

I can beat myself up for all I've done wrong.. and go the same way I did in September, or October or December. I still hadn't really learned by January though I did well for a time, the obsessive 'all or nothing' thinking was back by February and I was headed for my biggest period of weight gain since 2007.

I need to stop looking at what I'm doing wrong and sulking, I need to stop setting ridiculous goals for myself. I should appreciate where I'm doing well, keep doing it until it's second nature. Small, slow, subtle changes that are going to be maintained long term.

... like the h2o.

It's not forever, just for the rest of my life.

1 comment:

  1. I went shortcut your story/website, finding it similar to my live, although I am ten years older and have "half" of your babies.
    Let's say,you've inspired me at 4 a.m.- not easy at this hour.