Sunday, September 05, 2010

Looking backwards

is usually not a good idea when you are trying to forge a path to somewhere new. It's proven a worthwhile exercise today though.

Spent the day in Reigate Priory Park, one of the kids' favourite playgrounds. It's a short walk from my MILs house, and had a £6million makeover in recent years. Lots of different play structures, sand, water and a pirate ship - lots of fun. I remember first going over when the girls were 5-6months old and they'd just sleep/nurse in a wrap on me as Sam watched Kai and Seth played. Last summer the girls started to join in on the ground, I had lost a significant amount of weight and was enjoying being out in the sun, playing.

I felt self conscious this weekend. All the time I was losing weight I saw myself as the very obese me, needing to lose weight. Then when my head finally caught up to where my body was, I was gaining the weight again. Even though my body was again obese, in my head I was the woman who had lost 5 stone.

The last couple of months I've been thinking of myself as the obese woman who has regained most of her weight. The failure, as fat and unfit as she ever was. Slowly, ever so slowly, that's changing. I realise that to be able to run 5k I can't be totally unfit. To be fitting back into clothes I hadn't done since having any of my kids, I can't be as fat as I'm seeing myself. To be setting goals and achieving them, or getting damn close I can't be classed a 'failure'.

Was looking through pics from last year and found one of me feeding the girls at a halloween slingmeet last year. I remember feeling happy, even though I had put weight back on and had a way to go I was 'on it' and felt like the girl who was winning at weightloss and fitness. I was *smiling* at the camera! Sam even muttered something about how happy I had seemed at that point. I feel that happy now, but not with the state of my body. I looked at that picture and wished I was that size again. I thought to give myself a boost, I'd check to see how far I have to go to get there. Late October last year, I had returned to meetings after gaining 30lbs, and weighed in at 178lbs. Hang on.. 178lbs. I'm lighter now??! OK. So then I uploaded the pics from Sams iPhone, and saw what I really look like now. Not the blob in my head. Overweight, yes. Needing a bit more sun on that scary pale skin, very yes. Unfit, failing and a big fatty? Not really. If I saw another woman my size I certainly wouldn't be so cruel in my judgement, I'm sure.


1 comment:

  1. Sure is nice when you have a reminder of how well you really are doing! You're such and inspiration! You're only a few pounds lighter than me. So, I'll use you as a guide to follow! Perhaps I'll catch you! Be kind to yourself sweetie!