Spent the day in Reigate Priory Park, one of the kids' favourite playgrounds. It's a short walk from my MILs house, and had a £6million makeover in recent years. Lots of different play structures, sand, water and a pirate ship - lots of fun. I remember first going over when the girls were 5-6months old and they'd just sleep/nurse in a wrap on me as Sam watched Kai and Seth played. Last summer the girls started to join in on the ground, I had lost a significant amount of weight and was enjoying being out in the sun, playing.
I felt self conscious this weekend. All the time I was losing weight I saw myself as the very obese me, needing to lose weight. Then when my head finally caught up to where my body was, I was gaining the weight again. Even though my body was again obese, in my head I was the woman who had lost 5 stone.
The last couple of months I've been thinking of myself as the obese woman who has regained most of her weight. The failure, as fat and unfit as she ever was. Slowly, ever so slowly, that's changing. I realise that to be able to run 5k I can't be totally unfit. To be fitting back into clothes I hadn't done since having any of my kids, I can't be as fat as I'm seeing myself. To be setting goals and achieving them, or getting damn close I can't be classed a 'failure'.