Thursday, January 06, 2011

Eh Meh.

This is not working. I'm flapping about halfheartedly, and getting myself in a tizz. Hanging over my head is this deadline of the wedding. But being that I am blatantly a textbook ODD kid, I should stop giving myself that kind of goal, huh? So, the propoints thing works for me, in as much as I like the food. All the stuff I binge on is high carb/high points. I feel so much better without, etc, etc.

Problem is I got on the scales on January first, and cried. Almost back to the beginning. After all that work. I sobbed for a bit. I've spent the days since kind of hermitting at home. Feeling fat and a failure and moping. I've pointed and stuff, but it's been a case of 'I have to do this to not be a total disgrace come May' rather than a 'I am wanting to get well' thing.

Yesterday things came to a head. I'd had an argument with the Yeti and we were not talking (kind of a grown up response from me, pre-kids I'd be fighting him, or at least being violent with words) in the afternoon we finally got a chance to talk through what was going on. The relief once we cleared things up was huge. My response? Food. I made a fantastical flapjack. Then I crashed. Massive carb crash.

Came to at about 7pm and the hubby was obviously feeling similarly as he went and grabbed some bits we needed from the Co-op (ham, soup, bread) and also grabbed some cut-price chocs. I ate until I couldn't. Couldn't because it was all gone. Eh.

This morning I am in pain. I am cross at letting myself do it, and I'm ready to forget deadlines and goals based on weight, and just get moving. The regimented stuff has never worked for me. Deadlines and goals just feed my eating disorder. I was winning when I was focused on feeling good, and running.

The loss since Saturday stands at 1lb. Kind of ridiculous.

Anyways, here's me getting back up, again. Bruised as a peach.

Oh, things to stress about this coming week - if I'm not blogging about them I'll be eating them..

Tuesday we go back to see Malachi's consultant to talk more about genetic testing. I want my baby boy to be healthy and happy. If it was his health/happiness I had to lose this weight for, it'd have been done 2 years ago.

Financially things seem to be almost working themselves out. Sam is still well. Still job searching. I am trying to find the balance between being supportive of his ambition and keeping my dreamer-man grounded.

Want it to stop raining so I can attempt a wobbly jog.

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