Thursday, May 26, 2011

That won't be me. 2 years on.

May 2009 - I was still working hard, good days and bad days. But I weighed somewhere in the 150s, a little overweight, but healthy shape and no-one (sane) would look and think I was fat. I even began to believe that I might be veering close to normal, and felt brave enough to post a photo of me in my swimmers.

I remember reading blogs where writers/dieters/fellow junkies would warn about going off the rails and gaining it all back. I know I laughed at the thought. How would I not notice that happening?! It was *such* a process going the other way, I couldn't imagine it.

Here I am 2 years later. I've not been unaware, but it has happened, or near enough. With the lack of job for Sam I've turned to food for comfort. He's been about so I've gone out with the kids walking less and less. Worrying about Malachi's health my own has been placed on hold. By trying to force myself to do it for my sister's wedding I put an unachievable goal in my way and defeated did the classic 'Whatever!' binge. Again, and again.

I feel totally shit. I am not depressed, I am aware that a few months hard work can undo 2 whole years. I have the written testimony here. Getting on the scales a week ago and seeing 220 flash up I felt like curling into a ball and sobbing. Then I wanted food. Instead I updated myfitnesspal and got my nose down.

Malachi's genetic testing has all come back normal, and he appears to be happy. I've got to stop beating myself up and look after myself too. He is having his next consultation way over in September. By then I can have dropped back down to 'overweight' and feel more confident when talking to the doctors.
Sam has a job offer, we're waiting on official confirmation but it's a pretty certain thing he'll be starting mid-June. Can stop using that as a reason for comfort eating, and feed both of us properly - he needs to lose weight and I can make that happen when he's working. I do all the food prep.

My sister is getting married in 2 days. I am huge, and will probably look back at the pictures wishing I'd managed to get weight shifted. I am too big for my dress and will be having to adjust it on the day. I am determined to enjoy myself though, giving myself a lot of coaching about how my worth isn't on a scale determined by my size. I want to believe it.


My aims -
  • to update here at least once weekly, hopefully more.
  • to stay wheat free
  • to enjoy drinking water
  • to eat good food
  • to exercise daily
  • to have one good thing to say about myself each day, non food/weight/appearance related
  • to weigh monthly to start. 
I will post my first weigh in on Seth's 6th birthday (!!) on June 1st. I am intending to stay cake free that day too ^_^ Once I have that weight I'll have a 'goal' weight in mind for July etc.

For the next week I will be aiming to eat 1200-1500 cals a day, wheat free, and to drink 2-3litres water a day. I'm back, and I'm so so determined that next year I *will* be one of those bloggers, in maintenance, who is warning about complacency.

1 comment:

  1. Keep calm and carry on. Well done on coming back. I'm looking forward to seeing your progress and being inspired by you again :)

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