Thursday, June 30, 2011

halfway through week one

Back pain has been minimal the last two days, minor discomfort and not affecting my daily life. So, erk, looks like that could well be weight related. Managed to walk a fair amount today, to the supermarket and back, did the weekly shop on foot. Feet felt sore once I got in and shoes off, but I was fine while out.

There were a few moments shopping I nearly grabbed something just to munch, but I kept hold of the reins.

11461 steps (another 489 steps and I'd have earnt 6 activity points)
Ate 36/36 daily propoints (1466 calories)
5 fruit&veg portions
2 litres of water.

Feeling in control today.
Feeling good.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Hump day

From past experience I was expecting today would be likely to be harder. The third day slump.

I was knackered by 11am, and wanted to fall asleep on the sofa. I'd eaten nearly all my ProPoints by 2pm and felt so hungry. Realised that I have the weekly 49 I can dig into, and so I did. A decent dinner of king prawns, stir fry veg and sour cream helped me perk up too.

Considering how tired I was I'm really pleased at how hard I fought to not binge today. \Even if I did let the sandpit and crafting box look after the smalls today so I could pad about in PJs.

5496 steps.
Ate 36/36 daily propoints and 16 weekly points (1947 calories)
5 fruit&veg portions
2.25 litres of water.

Beginning to think about methods for staying in control this weekend. Sam's mum is 60 this weekend, and we'll be spending Saturday dinner at her house, then have a family picnic planned for Sunday. If I was to eat as the rest will, I'd likely regain any loss I've had.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

48 hours of normal

I'm beginning to feel it. Another day of bone-cracking pain, and feeling short tempered. I slumped at about 7pm tonight, could easily have gone binge-y. Very glad I'd spent half an hour with my relaxation track on the iPod first thing today, so the subconscious 'nooo, don't do it' kicked in.

Chucked play-doh at the kids and lay down for 40 minutes while they played, two hours on they're all bathed, teeth brushed and asleep. I'm feeling knackered but content.

Feet were in agony today, as I'd worried they'd be. Only had to walk the girls to their dance class (40 minute round trip) so thought I'd struggle hitting the goal on the pedometer. Near doubled it though (at my size it wants just 3,984 steps a day).

8397 steps.
Ate 36/36 daily propoints (1576 calories)
6 fruit&veg portions
drunk 2 litres of water.

Really looking forward to the tail end of this week, once I'm less of a loose canon!

Day One

Oof I was a miserable cow yesterday. By mid afternoon I was so tightly wound I was near tears and full of rage. My body was aching, I felt 'hungry' and every little thing set me off.

Stuck to plan though, used my newly bought pedometer to track steps, and even starting mid-point of the day I hit my target steps.

Ate 33/36 daily propoints (1276 calories) and drunk just under 2l of water.

Went to bed feeling hungry, but it was 1am! Looking at the scales) I know, I know - I promise I won't be using jumping on/off the scales for activity points) there's been a significant drop for the effort already!

Far less busy day today, so my bruised aching feet might get a rest. Just want another day of feeding steps to the pedometer, and not-too-much to me.

Had Sam take some pictures yesterday - one thing I never had were honest, full bodied 'me at 16 stone' photos - now I do.

I feel so sad and sorry looking at what I've done to myself - that's after I'd taken off the thick cardigan (for hiding those yucky arms). I want to ENJOY next summer, wear floaty, loose comfy summery stuff like a 20-something should. Get a tan. Go swimming.

I'm paying too high a price eating this way. I know how good I can feel, I'm going to get there.

Does this post seem more intelligent than average? Posted from my smartiPhone

Monday, June 27, 2011

If it ain't broke...

From Dec '08 to July '09 I went almost every week (only storms and holidays stopped me) to the Monday am group. In that time I went from 201lbs to 148lbs. Not too shabby.

Since then I've stop-started several times. Attempts at alternative diets/meetings, lots of success and then letting it slip. Over and over again. That is over now. I'm back to the morning meeting which worked so well for me. There's some women I know from before, and being welcomed back felt fab. We've a new leader, young and bouncy and totally a fit for where my head is at - she's been there 12 weeks and has had a total group loss of 650lbs so far.

Weighed in today at  231lbs - 16stone 7lb - just 1lb under my top ever weight, and I probably sweat off that 500g walking to group in the 35deg heat with my 'I'm too fat' cardi on!

5% goal is 15st 9lb (12lb loss) I *so* want to pull that out of the bag week 1!!


Drops of sweat? Pah! There's rivers of the stuff running down my body, top to toe.

Summer is here, feels like hell for a fatty. I feel like I have two choices - cover up to avoid others seeing the flabmountain and feel miserably hot for a few months, or enjoy the weather, feel more human but endure stares and not-so-concealed laughter and comments from strangers (and family)

Feeling very relieved to be sat now at weightwatchers, just having got registered/weighed and waiting for the talk. New leader, but some faces here from 2 years ago. It feels right to be back.

Weight today was 1 whole pound under my top weight - so I've a *lot* to lose. I know I can do it. I need to, I cannot live like this year to year.

- Does this post seem more intelligent than average? Posted from my smartiPhone

Sunday, June 26, 2011


I've had enough. The word 'enough' didn't seem worthy to be a title, so I checked the Thesaurus for synonyms..

Definition: more than necessary, sufficient
Synonyms: abounding, abundant, big, bounteous, bountiful, broad, capacious, commodious, copious, enough , expansive, extensive, full, galore, generous, great, heavy, large, lavish, liberal, no end, plenteous, plentiful, plenty, profuse, rich, roomy, spacious, spare, substantial, unrestricted, voluminous, wide
Antonyms: insufficient, meager, not enough

Sadly Sadly, the synonyms seem to describe me perfectly. The Antonyms are a good description of my efforts so far.

I've been in agony with my back nearly every day for the last 6 weeks. My antiinflammatory drugs are not really helping, and I'm eating awfully. I made a list last night of how my weight is hurting me..

Body aches
Head aches
Joint pain
Twisting ankles easily
Can't bend over properly to dress
Towels don't fit
Clothes don't fit
Sweat all the time
Chronic gas
Legs feel too big and sticky sweaty
Walking difficult
Dizzy going upstairs
Feel depressed and irritable
Hernia if I stretch
Can feel back flab (blugh)
Stomach flab gets in way of me standing to sink
Cuddling kids is hard *sob*

So. So, so, so. Back to group. Sam knows. I have not said a thing to my family or anyone else in 'real' life, I want to get on with it without the saboutage! I am heading back to the Monday morning group that I did so well with a couple years back. I don't like ProPoints, but I will calorie count alongside so I feel less gnarly about it, and cut out wheat. Hoping in a month or two I will be able to run again.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Food or Flight

Have finally written down and shared most of what's been going on for me emotionally since the weight went back on, since doing so I've felt a bit sadder, relieved and like I want to go run instead of stuff fat into my mouth.

I don't want to feel ashamed of myself anymore. I cope with a lot, keep a decent house and am a bloody good mum. I deserve to look and feel like someone who cares about herself!

I know there are far worse things happening for people, and overall things are on the up for us here now, but I'm hanging onto this as a reason to be moping and I've gotten HUGE again, and I need to let all the crap go and just get well. So here's letting go (sorry). . Turns out getting fat again has not helped me much and I need a firm grip and to just get back on it.

2 years ago I'd gotten back down to 10.5stone, close to 'normal' for me, and had shed 6 stone total. After going through many referrals and specialists for the boys (mostly Kai) and Sam's company dying I started to use food to keep from feeling worried again.

Started to get back on track again last summer, with Kai seeming to be close to 'just' an ASD DX and Sam in what seemed to be a steady job. Then he lost his job. Kai was referred for genetic testing and my body started messing me about to the point where I could (can) barely move some days - the only chance for real space to myself/exercise I had was running. Sam's colitis got worse and he got chucked on steroids again, which make him a nightmare to be around, and didn't even work.

Finally things started 'fixing' themselves - Sam is now FINALLY being tested for Coeliacs and is on a higher dose of meds so his UC is under control, Kai got 'clear' genetic results, and I've found Pilates is helping a bit. The BIG yay is Sam starting his new job in July, giving me space to get foods back under my control.

Then we had some results we weren't expecting at all. Sam went to the Heart Hospital for some testing last month. Nothing wrong with him, but his dad died in his early 30s of a heart condition and Sam and his siblings were advised way back to get double checked in their late twenties. His brother went in last year and was found to be in AF, has since had a pacemaker with defib fitted, and blood tests have come back showing a fault on the Lamin A/C gene (responsible for disorders like CMP and muscular dystrophy etc). He's on a cocktail of meds and is feeling ill and tired quite a lot. Been unable to hold a job down for over a year.

Sam got clear on all the tests, everything appeared normal, and we heaved a sigh of relief. Until the genetic tests came back and show that he has the fault too. Looking into the letter they've sent, it's pretty shit. There's a 50/50 chance each of the kids have it too, and it's the first recorded 'fault' in this particular place.

So now we wait each year to hear whether it's started weakening his heart muscle yet. I can't stop looking at the kids and wondering who of my beautiful children has been burdened with this stupid crappy gene, hoping my stubborn genetics have won out somehow. 

Sorry for rambly nature, if you've read and/or understood, you're a bit amazing!

Monday, June 13, 2011


In so many forms over the last couple days -

Seeing friends I haven't for ages and knowing how much bigger I must look.
Being uncomfortably hot on the tube (yes, yes, I know everyone is - but I felt like the fat sweaty one)
Having my GP carefully describe me as 'well-covered' - that made me feel like a tubby, aged thing.
My back being *so* bad that I could hardly move at all for 5 days, and have had pain during movement for 10 days straight now.

I'm seeing a friend at the weekend who I've not seen for nearly 2 years - I'll be 3-4 stone heavier, and that has put a cloud of sadness and shame (from myself, 100% my judgement here - my friends are too awesome to be arseholes) over the next week or so for me.

Need to do this, shift this weight so I can not shame myself out of receiving healthcare, time with friends and basic quality of life!

Need to re-scramble my way of thinking. Overeating, junk foods etc aren't 'treats' and not having them isn't punishment or restricting 'fun'. Quite the opposite. Giving my body to good, nutrient rich foods in appropriate amounts is how to 'treat' myself. All the 'fun food' is only adding weight to my mindset
and my body.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, June 08, 2011


I'm being very brave, and visiting the doctor twice in 24hours. For me.

My periods returned a bit over a year ago now, and while we've been careful, the idea of falling pregnant once I start losing weight (which has happened several times before!) has been a hurdle.

While I'm fairly certain I want to have more, we really are not in a great position to do that now. With four so young, two with SN, Sam about to start a new job and me needing to get fit - not a good idea.

So, tomorrow I'm getting the implant wedged in my arm, to put my ovaries to sleep for 3 years (again) - have been warned that weight gain can be a side effect, so will be extra vigilant!

Sunday, June 05, 2011


Okay, so. Back on it. Here we go! I've been aware that I've had this post to write for 5 days now, but keep putting it off. Thanks Jo for giving me a (very kind and gentle) nudge to do it.

Keep Calm and Carry On.

I'm going to keep calm. I'm not thinking about the total I need to lose, or that it's for the rest of ever I need to do this. Right now it's about the month of June. It's about fitting properly into my dresses and getting out in the sunshine and enjoying being thirsty for water.

Weight for June - 220
Loss for June - n/a lbs n/a inches
Aim for the month - lose 15

Picture to remind me to keep my mouth closed.. heh