Friday, September 30, 2011

unbalanced!

Have had a few days of craving carbs and dairy. Granola, chocolate, cheese. I've gone over my daily and weekly pp and used ALL my activity points (it's a good thing I'm doing all the walking/running/resistance training at the moment...)


Since having the 'blowout' on my birthday, I've really struggled with eating normally. I know that most of it is psychological. Once Monday is here and I've a fresh new week it'll fall back in place. Just hoping that I won't have earned myself a gain, something that may throw me out if my head is still a bit out of whack.


Have got a lot done this week though, despite the chaos of my eating. I've been out to see friends, have got to new places (even used the tram with all 4 kids, in rush hour - blugh). I've gone through the boys basement, tidied out and cleaned all the toys, computers and games, beds etc. Got the kittens back to full health, kids are all well. Exercise is on track - now on week 7 of the c25k, running 25 minutes straight and on track to be running 5k 3x a week by the end of October.
My last shred is today, I will have completed 30 days straight of doing the DVD, and 10 days on all 3 levels. Planning to continue to do the shred 3x a week through October, as well as running 3x a week - having a 'day off' each week too.


Really, all is good. I just need to plan my next week, before I end up eating my body weight in chocolate flavoured crap!


Wednesday
14127/4948 (5.9 miles)
29/29 pp & 2 weekly 10 ap (1570/1200 kcal)



Thursday
10066/4948 (4.2 miles)
29/29 pp & 26 ap (2112/1200 kcal)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

balanced

Got the Shred done bright and early today. Had been finding getting on with it first thing harder, as I'm getting to bed later and just TIRED when I wake up.

This morning I overslept, woke at 7am and realised Sam had fallen asleep on the sofa after showering 0_0 got him up and out, but he was *grumpy*. Could tell he wanted me to say 'oh, just take the day off' but he was only 30 minutes late, and really, no. He's needing to go in, not throw a strop like a teenager.

Had a tense 5 minutes as he got dressed and out the door, I was upset and feeling guilty, and then more cross because he was doing the guilt trip thing. Then cross at myself for taking his strop and turning it against myself. I'm forever saying to him/my mum/the kids that other peoples' actions can only effect you if you let them, and here I was going into a guilt/anger spiral over 5 minutes of tired grumpy hubby. Hardly something he could help much, and really not worth upsetting my morning over. Gut reaction was to either a) go back to bed and doze for an hour, trying to convince kids to stay in bed too or watch crappy TV or b) eat something creamy/fatty/calorific. Instead I grabbed my sports bra and did the shred. By the cool down I felt fine again, and as a bonus I've already conquered today's Jillian-fest.

.... and I just realised I really should apologise to Sam for getting on his case this morning. If he was truly being too grumpy, I could always have just left him to it. Sent him a text to say sorry. And not playing any games either. Don't think I've been this balanced/aware of my emotions ever that I can think of.

Going out to enjoy the sun (it's nearly October?.. I'm not going to complain!) again this afternoon with our bunch of Home Edding friends. Feeling a bit nauseous but think it's the last two days of chocolate catching up with me. Graze box to get me through that, and a big fluffy omlette planned for dinner. May attempt a run tonight too, try to get week 6 of c25k complete before my legs forget what they're supposed to do!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Birthday splurge.

I. Ate. So. Much. on my birthday yesterday.


My hamburger & sundae together were 42 pp! I was stuffed.


Then managed some Mrs Crimbles dutch apple cake with Nutella - my favourite, but another 34 pp!!


2.5 days worth of energy in 2 meals. Astounding.


I did shred though. I did track. I did intend to use my weekly points this week, and at the front end of the week, to boost my metabolism.


I'm 28, I feel great, October is days away and I'm stoked, because this month I will:
  • Run 5k
  • Hit 50lb loss
  • Hit 'overweight' and *leave* obesity in the dust.

Today I went into London with the halflings to meet a friend. Nice sunny day for chatter and gentle stroll through Green Park, got in and cleared up and did my shred. It's just become routine now - there are just 3 days left until I won't be doing it daily. I know that longterm it wouldn't be great, but for me it has been good for my mind, in breaking the STRONG belief I had that I was truly too weak. 

Bound to fail, too fat and too unfit and just plain too lazy to manage it. I've felt that way for years, and am really feeling like I may have beat it away for good doing this very intense month. It's come just at the right time for me. While I couldn't (or perhaps rather, *wouldn't*) continue 7 days a week for longer term, I'm now convinced that 5 day weeks are probably a good idea, rather than an unachievable goal.


Got to sit down sometime in the next couple of days and work out October's exercise routine.


Monday
10875/4948 (4.5 miles)
76/29 pp (2796/1200 kcal)



Tuesday
18091/4948 (7.5 miles)
29/29 pp (1129/1200 kcal)

Monday, September 26, 2011

going down

Used 17 weekly pp, think I'm undereating now maybe. Earning around 50 pp through activity and still have over 30 weekly pp left - could have eaten 12 pp extra a day and still lost weight, theoretically.


Just 1lb off this week, but I felt great seeing that scale move down again. I'd had a boozey weekend, a fry up on Sunday, a thai on Saturday and I lost weight. This is normal life, this is *living* it.


Off for a birthday meal today, planning to use *all* my weekly pp for it!


Miles walked - 30.7

previous weight -187 BMI 32.1
current weight - 186 BMI 31.9
loss - 1lb
% lost - 0.53%

Sunday, September 25, 2011

27 and dresses

Wore my 27th unique dress out and about on Saturday, to go to Roller Derby, out for a meal and then out in Croydon until late. Completing my challenge with one day to go!


Then I went and bought 4 more dresses this afternoon - I'm converted.




Dress 1  27+68days
Dress 2  27+77days
Dress 3  27+81days
Dress 4  27+82days
Dress 5  27+83days
Dress 6  27+86days
Dress 7  27+89days
Dress 8  27+108days
Dress 9  27+130days
Dress 10 27+139days
Dress 11 27+145days
Dress 12 27+152days
Dress 13 27+159days

Dress 14 27+244days
Dress 15 27+309days
Dress 16 27+312days
Dress 17 27+319days
Dress 18 27+321days
Dress 19 27+325days
Dress 20 27+330days
Dress 21 27+335days
Dress 22 27+342days
Dress 23 27+342days
Dress 24 27+346days
Dress 25 27+356days
Dress 26 27+357days




Dress 27 27+363days

Birthday weekend

Woke up early Friday to get over to Reigate and get the shading for my koi sleeve completed. We were done by 11am, and so I had time to get my birthday tat.


A beautiful Phoenix *love* It took just over 3 hours and nearly 60 hours on I'm still so sore! But I adore it.


I'm going to turn 28 tomorrow, I'm nearing the end of my twenties. The last 9 years have been a rollercoaster. I am *so* so happy about where my life is at, my gorgeous family, fabulous friends. Throughout the difficulties we've been through, and my depression, anxiety and eating disorders, I've always been aware of how blessed I am.


I've always felt undeserving though. A failure. Not making the most of who/what I have, waiting for me to be the right size/shape/person. Waiting for me to do enough that I could like myself.


That's all over now - I'm turning 28 not wanting to be someone/something else, but the person I am now. The phoenix is there to remind me of this fresh start to my life. A new, healthy, strong me bursting out of the flames ^_^ My driving instructor reaffirmed it for me in the evening. 'You're capable, you can do this already. The only thing in your way is your fear, you are the only one who can remove that. Make mistakes, whatever. You'll only get better if you do.'


Saturday was a fab day of roller derby, a dinner out with my girls, then after party at scream lounge. Sunday I spent recovering, cleaning up and marvelling at how I have managed to keep on top of the shred routine even with being out for 30 hours!


Friday
8662/4922 (3.6 miles)
29/29 pp (1088/1200 kcal)



Saturday 
8350/4922 (3.5 miles)
36/29 pp (1498/1200 kcal)


Sunday
10132/4922 (4.2 miles)
32/29 pp (1272/1200 kcal)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

14 months...

And I'm back to under 190lbs and running 25 minutes straight. July 22nd 2010 I posted, excited and amazed at how my body was responding. I feel the same way now!


I'm halfway to healthy, this birthday I'm celebrating who I am *right now* not who I could be in X months/lbs time. I'm rising from the ashes of the last 9 years of feeling like my body was the enemy, and that I wasn't good enough. The only person who has ever stood in my way is myself. I've finally realised how easy it is to step aside and let myself go for it. No fear, I have no reason to be afraid.


My weekend of birthday starts tomorrow. Sam has taken a long weekend, and tomorrow I get a day to myself, to go get inked - finishing off my koi 1/2 sleeve and *hopefully* something special for marking my 28th and where I'm at right now. Oooh, the suspense!!


Was my second day doing level 3 of the shred today, whoa she's not mucking about! 8 more days and I will have completed the shred. Unbelievable! Have also kept to plan & running, am very chuffed at my determination and balance this month.


Thursday
15067/4922 (6.3 miles)
29/29 pp (1233/1200 kcal)

It's all in your head

'Maybe it's time to stop worrying about what I'm putting in my stomach, and start examining what's going on inside my head'
The last in the 3-parter on Claire Richards' weight issues. After losing the popstar to operastar show, she had no distraction from her body and the perceived flaws of it.


Her hubby says she has very low self esteem, and he sees it as the root of her issue. She doesn't see her good points, how talented and beautiful she already *is*. As far as he can see, she needs to believe she is as fantastic as she already is. He says she needs therapy, not surgery.


Focus on psychological reasons behind issues with food seems a good plan. Claire made contact with Mike Weeks, an 'extreme therapist' who has helped Jack Osbourne, among others. On his first visit he alludes to thinking that the yo yo dieting and magazine articles give her attention she wants. He then eats dog food as it is the most healthy food in their home.


Hubby starts at gym, saying he's going to lose weight and support her 'I'm just, toning up my body darling, for your sheer enjoyment.... as you will for me.' As he chows down on salad he's all cocky - 'look darling, this is how you need to do it' ..


Mike comes back, pinpointing lack of self confidence as an issue - so he puts her in situations where she has to make mistakes, with people. Task set is that she has to pretend she knows them, then deal with the embarrassment. 
'The more OK you are, the more capable, of making mistakes without getting unwanted/unnecessary feelings/sensation.. the easier life becomes'
Afterwards she agrees,. She is too worried about how others perceive her. Always compared herself, even way back she compared herself to her sister while growing up. Thought of as being the 'big' sister. 


Weeks next takes Claire to a nightclub - to do some old Steps routines. Wearing 4.5 stone of weighted suit, she is carrying 16.5 stone while doing dances. He hopes to give her an idea of how HARD life is at that weight. To realise how much she was taking around, how uncomfortable it would be to be that big. 


During food shopping with kids, it becomes even more obvious that they are very stuck on convenience and junk food. Claire uses junk to 'keep them quiet'. Realises she needs change for the whole family. She sees food as way to please/treat/console them - cycle of emotional eating, but almost doesn't realise she's doing it.


At the end, her view has shifted -
This time something has changed - before I wanted to blame it on everything, I can see quite clearly now, it's only ever going to be me that's going to change the way I am. Little changes to food, routine, activity. For the whole family. Taking away the goals of weight and focusing more on my everyday relationship with food. 
This feels very much where I am at now. As she says 'The only thing that's ever held me back is myself... I need to confront my fears head on.' Exactly what I'm doing, right now.


Something Mike Weeks' said struck me too - I still see focusing on myself this much as selfish, and just for me, but maybe I *am* gifting more to the kids, not just doing it with them (partly) in mind... 
'If you want the best for your kids - how is it that you don't, therefore, get the best for yourself. So they see a happy, healthy mum, instead of one who's upset, because of this constant up and down on her weight?'



Wednesday
9858/4922 (4.1 miles)
29/29 pp (1172/1200 kcal)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Hurdles

So, yesterday I woke with headache, still. But never mind, I had a plan for battling the day. My graze box to take on the stress of a hospital visit. I would be nicely full once we got to my mum-in-law's and she'd feed the kids, and I could then shred when we got home in the evening.


By the time we had to leave (10.30am) my postman hadn't yet been. I was already nagging at the kids, Emoboy is being particularly 'himself' at the moment. If you're not a videogame, he's not interested. Add to that, our smallest kitty baby is losing weight and looked particularly pathetic. I am getting them all to the vet today, and knew there was no way I could get her in yesterday, but felt awful.


Got to the station, ticket machines were down. Missed our connection at Purley trying to sort it, and Kai got confused with people moving around the ticket office, and took the hand of a lady near me, trying to go with her. Calmed him down and got on the next train, found a ticket inspector and got to Redhill with a few minutes to spare. Once Sam had taken the others, I took Kai to Costa and grabbed him a granola bar and juice. By that point I was feeling stroppy and hungry and the shelves of tiffin, caramel bakes and cupcakes were all *just there* still, there was 1 other granola bar, so I got that and a bottle of water.


The appointment went well enough, we left with Kai having a formal diagnosis of Autism and will be looking into the cause behind his various physical/motor planning issues. No big surprises there.


Got to the in-law's and sat for dinner at 6pm, I was ravenous, but ate a plate of veg and a small portion of skinless chicken breast, (and used my 7 extra weekly pp for 2 yorkshires and a bit of stuffing). Ignored the chocolate, ice cream, meringue AND creme brulee offered between dinner and finally leaving just after 9pm.


Got home just before 10pm, kids all knackered, girls had fallen asleep in car. I hadn't done the shred. Part of me was thinking I could catch up today, level 2 and level 3 and be on target. But I'd promised myself to shred EACH day, to break the mental barrier that I'm not strong enough to workout without a rest day for a month..


so I did it. And it was great. And I NEVER ever have to do another squat thrust again. Whoot.


Tuesday
11504/4922 (4.8 miles)
36/29 pp (1476/1200 kcal)

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

grazi Graze

I've had an awful head since Sunday afternoon, my old method of coping would have been to eat everything and anything in sight, and to spend all day long in bed. Yesterday Sam stayed off, expecting that. I stayed in bed until the kids couldn't stand to lie in any longer, then got up and went to weightwatchers, made a (slow) trip to Sainsburys and got back home in time to do lunch. Managed the shred while Sam took the smalls out, then spent a couple of hours on the sofa while we did 'home cinema'. I was shattered by 5pm, but that was ok - only had to hang washing and mooch to bed. I stuck to points, I was very pleased.

Today I feel a bit better, my head is still nagging, but the nausea/fuzzy perception is gone now. I have to take the kids into Redhill at lunch to meet Sam, then go with Kai to the hospital for his ADOS assessment. Hospital visits stress me out, I dislike the atmosphere, the feeling that I'm on the defensive, the consultant's rude/abrupt manner. My usual way of 'coping' is to overeat on the way home. Today though I'm going back to my in-laws' as the kids will be there while Sam sees his chiropractor, and are eating dinner there. As I don't have to prepare food for them, I can avoid all food after the hospital. I've got a graze box due this morning too, which I can snack on as and when, and not think about preparing/weighing food all day.

I'm going to beat these emotional eating triggers, one day at a time.

Yesterday, simply *resting* was enough.

Today my gawjus scrummy graze box is going to save me from nervous grab-and-run eating.

Monday -
10065/4922 (4.2 miles)
29/29 pp (1153/1200 kcal)

Monday, September 19, 2011

steady week

Was aiming for 4lbs this week, so I could do the same next week & hit 50lbs off for my birthday. The aim was to only use my daily points - I ended up using all 49 weeklies AND 7 activity points - an extra 8 pp a day. 


Very happy with the 2lb loss I did get. Though I would love to hit 50lbs next week, 6lbs is a *big* ask. 


Miles walked - 31.1

previous weight -189 BMI 32.4
current weight - 187 BMI 32.1
loss - 2lb
% lost - 1.06%
 

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Arse-partame

Dress #26 - 27+357

Gorgeous Laura Lees dress, back on - the beginning of many beautiful Laura Lees creations fitting again ^_^ So why do I look so grumpy here?

Because I. Had. Poisoned. Myself.

Stupid unthinking mistake, at lunch today (went for a lunch with my parents, sister, brother & his girlfriend) I had a diet pepsi. Spent the next 6 hours paying for it.

Then after my lunch of monkfish & prawn skillet, which I'd chosen and pointed, and had only a teeny serve of rice, I had another daft moment, and ordered a huge dessert. 2 cookies, pouring fudge and ice cream. About 18 pp (770 cals) I felt rough! Beyond rough.

Couldn't eat anything else today after that. Glad I have earned 50 activity points this week to dip into, I've used all my 49 weekly points as well as 7 activity points! Still, hoping for a small loss tomorrow. Then will aim to hit my 50lbs for October, no way I can expect nearly half a stone to shift in a week healthily!!

Sunday -
8140/4870 (3.4 miles)
29/29 pp & 11 weekly & 7 activity (2079/1200 cals)

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Chucking the size 18s in the charity bin



Even though I am skirtembering - wearing a skirt or dress every day of September (aside from when working out/sleeping) I draw the line at learning to drive in a mini.

Hadn't had a lesson since September 1st, when I chucked on some linen trousers to go driving.

Yesterday I was really, very certain that I would NOT be comfortable driving around in a swishy long rainbow skirt. So I went to change into trousers. They were all so big, I felt silly. Then I spotted my size 16 jeans, that I haven't fit into in a year now.. and I tried them on.

..... and they fit. Whoot! ^_^ Much as a 16 is far too big a size to carry on my small frame, it feels good to be back to 'regular' sizes. I can see all my lovely Laura Lees dresses fitting in just one more size down the scale. Wheeee!

Met my brothers' new girlfriend today, and went to fetch everyone fish & chips. I had a teeny portion of chips that were 4pp 0_0 and 5 milk tray chocolates for another 7 pp 0_0 again find myself very grateful for those weekly points the powers that be have allocated for weightwatcher types.

Wore one of my new Hell Bunny dresses, that I was worried wouldn't fit as their 'large' isn't uber-huge. It went on fine - in fact it'll be too big fairly soon, which is a bit tear inducing really. Going to wear another dress tomorrow for a family pub lunch out, then the 27th dress can come out to play at roller derby next weekend, two days before I turn 28!

Going to go through my clothes piles after my birthday as I have a feeling a lot will be ready to donate/sell now.

Dress #25 - 27+356

Friday -
8444/4870 (3.5 miles)
29/29 pp (1287/1200 cals)

Saturday -
9812/4870 (4.1 miles)
29/29 pp & 8 (1521/1200 cals)

Friday, September 16, 2011

Slave to food part two

Caught up with Claire Richards' again. After shedding over 6 stone from a top weight of 16.5 stone, she'd regained most of it. Last week showed her skinny-ing back to a size ten, but the moment she'd done her contracted shoot and the cameras stopped she started eating again.

Soon she was back up 2 stone;

'It's getting to the point where if I don't do something now, it's gonna go all that way up again, and I really don't want that to happen.'
That's where I was at last September. I let it go, and up, up, up it went.

What she said while looking at herself in the mirror, really struck me, as it's *exactly* how I feel. At this point she weighs 12 stone 5/173lbs. Not hugely overweight BUT she is on the way up. I always *always* feel worse about where I am on the way up.

When I'm putting on weight I kind of.. disgust myself. It's quite a strong way of putting it, but I look in the mirror and think 'Ugh, that's disgusting!'
On those days, it's a bit - I don't want to say dark, because that's really dramatic - but, I do feel really down. and its almost like.. you've done that to yourself, but the one thing that makes you feel better is eating that stuff again. Its just a vicious cycle.

So, is removing food from that cycle an idea? She met Gemma, who had been yoyo for all her life. On lighter life she lost 11st in 10 months, using shakes as meal replacement. Claire said what I feel too - it's great it works for others, but I can't make that work for me long term. I've lost 2 stone over 6 months before, using slimfast, but I *need* to sort my relationship with food. Not hide from it, which is what *I* would be doing using these.

The professional nutritionist agrees, Claire is major denial. With issues like these, we've *got* to face truth to be able to make changes.

Claire then ends up thinking of surgery, mainly liposuction. Her hubby says what Sam would (and I agree, though part of me would be tempted) 'Any kind of surgical procedure has got to be the absolute last choice.'
Colleen Nolan agrees; 'I think it's a lazy way round the problem - you need to get down yourself and keep it off.' She's right of course. Losing the weight is not the issue, it's staying healthy once we're there.

 'It's not about size & how you look, but how you are.' Colleen felt bad at her top weight. She had no energy, felt depressed and just wanted to eat and sleep - so she ate & slept and got bigger.. Now she say it's not about what she weighs, but eating well and feeling good and having the zest for life she had lost. I like this thinking, it's what I'm going for now. Even still being obese, I'm achieving that goal each day I do it right, it's much easier to stick to the lifestyle that makes you feel great, than to a diet that promises you X result in Y months time..

To tackle the long term weight-loss, I need to get to the root of the problem, break emotional connection to food. Once I get to my 'goal' weight I am going to have to stay aware, stay motivated, stay zesty!

At the end of part two Claire is digging in to a pudding and says to the camera (she's supposed to be tracking her food for the nutritionist) 'I mean this is really bad.. but I kinda dont really care' *This* is the attitude I *have* to watch for. If I want to eat some, as a treat. If it's adding to my enjoyment of life, if it's *healthy* for my mind/body/soul to include it, then I will. If I'm seeking solace in food/diving in with a 'shit, whatever' mood, I have GOT TO STOP AND SORT THE ISSUE. The answer is never custard.*


*Unless you are the eleventh doctor, my 6 year old argues. Custard (with fish fingers) can be the answer then.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Dog tired, negativity seeps in

I'm struggling. Feeling very tired and snappy with the kids. I'm still shredding and running ok, but I could quite happily veg out on the sofa/bed all day. Have overeaten, not binged, but eating more often to try and keep energy up.

I've not been getting enough sleep, the girls are poorly too. Have also just started on my period again and spent a few days stressed and stuck indoors waiting for a delivery.

All told, I can see *why* I've eaten an extra days' food over the last couple of days.

Plan to take myself in hand. Earlier night tonight, aiming for 6-7 hours sleep. Day out tomorrow, just to the park to shift the cobwebs and get away from the fridge. I have a nice easygoing, but food-orientated weekend looming, so need to be back in the driving seat.

Realise that I'm at the point of sabotaging my own work, keep finding myself thinking negatively. Need to keep rising above that voice as I have been.

I am halfway through the shred
I have not *overeaten* this week, I've eaten inside my allocated propoints
I have kept up with c25k
I have looked after the kids
I have looked after myself
The home is being kept up with.

^ There crappy nasty voice. I *am* doing just fine thankyou. Now piss off.

Wednesday -
8902/4870 (3.7 miles)
29/29 pp & 12 weekly (1685/1200 cals)

Thursday -
10351/4870 (4.3 miles)
29/29 pp & 17 weekly (1726/1200 cals)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Eating out

Last week my mum sat with the halflings for an hour, to cover the time between me leaving for my test and Sam getting in. Afterwards, having survived, she offered to come and sit them each Monday morning so I could weigh in and stay to meeting.

Yes please! The kids are really great about going with me, but the idea of having time for myself and being able to enjoy the group too was very exciting!

The topic this week for weightwatchers is 'Eating Out'. Timely for me as I'm having my first meal out on Sunday, as a family dinner to celebrate my birthday and to meet my brothers new girlshape! Local pub, lots of nommy food. The day before weigh in.
In meeting we talked a LOT about alcohol and eating out. Being very aware of what you're drinking and to track *always* Calories & Alcohol together are a dieters' disaster.

After working out propoints in a dark russian, I'll be skipping the cocktails this weekend!!

Got my weekly email from weightwatchers today "Eat Out And Still Lose Weight"


Eating out may seem like a tricky proposition when you're trying to lose weight, but a night out doesn't have to mean a night off your plan.Careful eating out choices can help you spend your ProPoints budget wisely. Here are some tips and ideas to help you stay on track when dining away from home.


I've looked at the menu online, I know the pub - we were there in June. I am all about the King Prawn and Monkfish in coconut, chilli and lemongrass. Will skip the rice, as the majority of propoints will be there. Guessing the fish will be about 4 PP, another 2 for oil used and around 4-6 for sauce. A 10-12 PP meal feels ok to me! Will skip dessert as I'm not used to that quantity of food now anyway.

I'm refusing to worry about it affecting weigh in now. I know what I will eat will be delicious and good nutrition. For the first time while being 'on plan' I'm not planning to blow points on a day out, but enjoy the company and somebody else cooking/clearing up!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Eating in

used to mean fatty chinese or huge curries. Not so much now...

Tuesdays and Thursdays are days when I usually am not in to make myself lunch. Grabbing good food on the go can be a challenge. Taking something along is a necessity. Knowing what I've got, and the nutritional values is key to staying in control.

I hadn't used Graze boxes for a long time, but had a look at their site again and was amazed (and feeling a bit hungry) after seeing the way they've expanded their range.



Dried apple & toffee sauce dip - 2 propoints
'Jaffa Cake' dark choc buttons, orange raisins and hazel nuts - 6 propoints
fruit & seed flapjack (so moist and crumbly, mmm) - 6 propoints
'Born in the USA' pecans, cranberries & almonds - 6 propoints

Shared the jaffa cake mix & toffee apple with the twins - and between an 8am breakfast and 6pm dinner, grazed on the box. It kept me satisfied all day, no hunger pangs - nice!

Hope to use these for long days out to avoid blood sugar dips. I feel like I'm having a real treat - lots of yummy flavours, it's *good* food and someone else does all the work. ^_^

If anyone fancies a free box, you can use the code:

www.graze.com
use this code when you sign up: KZ976FG


Tuesday -
6536/4870 (2.7 miles)
29/29 pp (1030/1200 cals)

Monday, September 12, 2011

Halfway to healthy


After posting up the picture of my 3rd butterfly I put the link-thingummy on my 'metamorphosis' page. I noticed that the photo at the top of the page was one of me at top weight, sweaty after walking the flat 15 minute walk back from my first weightwatchers meeting at the end of June.

I'm nothing less than shocked, looking at the photos Sam took when I got in that day. The jeans that are straining to reach around me are long gone already. That 'top' is actually a size 18-20 dress, but was the only thing I had that fit around me.

I'm blown up, bloated and look like I'm in agony. That's because I was.         
There's cellulite on my *arms* I've barely any neck. I am standing with my feet hip width apart because I can't get them much closer. My gut comes out to the front more than my boobs.

My spine is curved, my femurs are being bent to hold my body up. My upper back and shoulders had such limited range of movement.

I was fat, unhealthy, pretty much bedridden. Severe damage was being done every day I stayed like that. Getting out the door and to that meeting took huge effort and *all* of the strength I had. I am so proud of me in that photo.

I'm down 3 stone now. Another 3 stone and I'll be at a healthy weight. Time to look at myself again.

Oh, OK. A bit of a change then! 0_0

Obviously I've still got a lot of extra flub. I'm 3 stone over the top weight I should be, and still think of myself as extremely big and obese.

Here I am, sweaty after coming back from weightwatchers.. except today I'd just completed day 12 of the shred at level 2. I ran 2.5miles last night too.

My posture is good, no more pain. My neck is back, and is my ability to stand with my legs together! My arms and shoulders are now spending 10 minutes each day lifting weights. My arms are losing fat and toning up.

My top is a skinny womens M-L and the leggings are a 14. My gut is slimming down fast, and I have a 'proper human shape' again (thanks Seth).

Getting up and active each day feels good - still takes a lot of effort, but each time I find more strength. I am *insanely* proud of myself for fighting this hard.

Very nearly skipped the shred today. I felt so off, and with a good loss I wanted a rest. But that boxer grrrl tattoo pulled me onwards. I. Must. Not. Give. In.

Felt fabulous to find todays shred easier already.

Monday -
17704/4870 (7.4 miles)
30/29 pp (1140/1200 cals)

Blue

If I falter, if I falter
Darling, will you reel me in?
If I lose it, if I lose it
Will you remind me where we have been?
...................................
Well, it's all up from here
It's like I can taste opportunity near


(Pop Art Blue - Zero 7)


Blue! Butterfly #3. Finally hit 13.5stone. This one's been a hard one, keeping at it hasn't been easy, and the lyrics of the song are especially potent for me.

I'm so glad I have these ink-y reminders to keep me focused every time I see them..



I know 6 weeks to lose a stone is reasonable. But it's been a long 6 weeks of overcoming mental barriers. I've made lots of mistakes, had to pick up and brush off and get back on it. At times I've felt that the hard work is too much. Now the pain is gone, and I've lost enough that I can wear normal clothes and do enough to live a normal life, the immediate need to lose weight isn't as pressing. Without this blog to read back on, it would be easy to forget where I was just 3 months ago. I'd falter and have nothing to reel me back. 


I'm eating weekly points more. I'm eating chocolate again. I had some whaet on my mums' birthday. All these things mean slower loss, more juggling of propoints and realising that the novelty has worn off! To get the weight off and keep it off will be an uphill battle. But I'm strong enough. I am.


I'm running 20minutes straight. I'm 1/3 of the way through the 30 day shred. I'm losing the weight *while* living a happy, fulfilling life. I'm feeling the strongest and most positive I ever have about my body. 

3 stone shifted. Whew, that feels good!

Whoot! Back on it - I'd *really* really wanted to shift 3.5lb this week to take me to my 3rd stone off. After using 32/49 weeklies I was a bit worried it wouldn't happen, though I had earned 50 activity points too.



Got to the scales and 'whooped' a little when I saw that I had managed the 3.5lbs in a week I was hoping for. I know that wanting 11.5lbs over 3 weeks is a big ask, but with the shred happening, and having had a stay the same week / rest a couple of weeks back I'm sure that if I stick to my propoints and shred/c25k exercise, I can pull it off!


Aiming for 4lbs this week - going to skip using weeklies if possible, but will if I get hungry. Just not going to do foody 'treats' for a fortnight. With some fun plans coming up, I should feel 'treated' enough without needing any chocolate!




Miles walked - 34.6

previous weight - 192.5 BMI 33
current weight - 189 BMI 32.4
loss - 3.5lb
% lost - 1.82%

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Pub night & Shred level up!

I saw 188.5lbs on the scales this morning! Doing my measurements for the shred - really hoping that I don't wobble too far up from here by tomorrow - want to hit my 3rd stone sooo bad!

Went out to the pub last night with some old mates, and used a few weekly propoints, but kept within bounds of 'normal' - ate and drank the least of all of us ^_^

Today we moved up to level 2 on the shred - I've lost 5.5 inches in 10 days, not shabby! I HURT, but I'm determined to do it. Also ran day one of the 6th week of the C25K plan. Am nicely wobbly and gooey kneed now!

I *hate* the way she says it, but Jillian is right - the pain *is* fear leaving my body. I'm excited at the potential weight/inch loss and muscle building the shred could cause, but to get through it in 30 days will be busting a huge mental barrier. Fighting my fear to the death.

I've found a pinkytoast print that would be a perfect inkbaby to celebrate shredding strong and shedding the fear.


I've got a lovely spot on my slightly-more-toned bicep, waiting for her.

Saturday -
11674/4793 steps (4.9 miles)
30/30 propoints & 17 weekly (1422/1200 cals)

Sunday -
13121/4793 steps (5.5 miles)
30/30 propoints & 3 weekly (1443/1200 cals)

Friday, September 09, 2011

S.M.A.R.T

My leader has posted on her facebook status this week

What are your SMART goals? Specific. Measurable. Achievable. Realistic. Timed. I want to be in my smaller jeans, comfortably by November!

I answered that I wanted to be running 10k again for the new year.

Then I flicked through the 'your week' booklet that's handed out at meeting, and there was a spread page on setting SMART goals. So I did!

Specific - I want to be at the 'healthy' BMI range for my height & be fit.
Measurable - I'll know I'm achieving weightloss success because I'll be back in size 10-12 and running 10k.
Achievable - I aim to lose 2lbs a week, also following running plans.
(Realistic) Rewarding - I will reward myself with my butterfly ink every stone weight lost, cupcake ink at 75lbs off.
Timed - I will achieve my goal by Valentines day (my 10th with Sam) - 23 weeks to lose 48lbs and to complete another 42 runs to take me to 10k.



Didn't end up having my driving lesson today, and it'd been 3 days since I last ran. Was due to run w5d3, which is the psychological hurdle of the c25k program. To go from running two 8 minute intervals to a single 20 minute run, seems a massive jump when a week before I've struggled to manage 3 and 5 minutes. The only time I've got past week 5, I did the first two days of week 6 (running 10 two times, then 8, 5, 8) before attempting the 20. Today I set out, aware that the shred has knackered my knees. I chose to be S.M.A.R.T with it, and set my iPod to the final run of week 5.

I'm so pleased that I was brave in taking that first step, it went really well, not too challenging but a good workout. When I kept running for every second and heard the voice announce 'cooldown' I felt like a rockstar.

Eat that, fear!

Friday - 
10617/4793 steps (4.4 miles)
30/30 propoints (1259/1200 cals)