Friday, April 27, 2012

Friday feeling ^_^

It's the arse end of a long week. Not had a day off (read, Sam about to do his 50%) in over a week. Still tired from wedding weekend etc.

Took Seth out to see avengers last night, took along prepointed noms, didn't have to break into weeklies which was awesome!

Sam isn't back until midnight ish today as he's gone out for a man-date after work. I'm tired, done a lot of heavy moving/cleaning today and just felt really hungry (missed dinner) - went to the fridge and raided it for this -

Feeling happy.

- Does this post seem more intelligent than average? Posted from my smartiPhone

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Keep Living

It's the third day of me being aware of what I'm doing, eating mindfully, liking myself a bit more ;)

Thought I'd chuck up some recent photos, not because they're particularly brilliant pics, or that they're hugely motivational, but because I *have* some. While I have gotten huge again, I haven't stopped living. I'm insanely pleased about that!

I went to Harrogate a couple of weeks back - the furthest North I've EVER been! I tell you it was an epic adventure. To meet with a group of women that mean much to me. I didn't stay home and hide because I was 'too fat'. FFS, I cannot believe I trapped myself like that before. Sure, I felt aware that I wasn't feeling/looking how I'd prefer, but there's no way I was going to punish myself and miss out on seeing people I love!

The YIM mamas ^_^

My sister in law got married this weekend ^_^ Originally I had worked out I could be back to a healthy size by the big day. But, erm, yeh. As it was I got within a few lbs of my top weight. D'oh. Still, no point having a strop, I bought on big fat dress off ebay 3 days before, dyed my hair 'something' blue, and did my best to support the bride and found it very easy to get on and enjoy the day! Lots of dancing, chatting, a few glasses of champers and a little bit of cake made for a good day, regardless of being twice the size I desired!

I've been out with friends, travelling around to meet up and go out, to the pub, to roller derby, for Pho, to the cinema. I've kept up with my driving lessons, I've volunteered to help out at Seth's Beaver colony. I've taken the kids out to HE meets without worrying about what people would think about me. I've gone to the sports centre to get them doing various activities (this year so far - squash, rugby, swimming, dance). I've joined The Modified Dolls not 'waiting to be the right size' but jumping in and doing it anyway.

Yes, I stopped my gym membership. Money was tight, I hadn't used it for 6 weeks anyway. I will go back once I'm strong enough to use the gear again. I am back on weightwatchers plan, I feel good about where my head is at. I don't feel 'on it' or like I'm 'in the zone'. Just have a calm realisation that I need to do this. And I want to. And I want to do it for the rest of ever.

In the last 2 months I have had many 'big' pushes towards grabbing life and living it NOW. Just really backing up what I was already learning. Probably the biggest punch to the chest was watching a man who did get it lose his chance at living more. As I ate Ice Cream For Breakfast last month, I told myself this was going to be it. I had one month until the wedding, from the day after I was going to be on plan. Set new goals. Stick to them. Keep Living.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Self Rescuing Princess

All the targets are gone. We saw my sister in law married yesterday, and I was hugely overweight. It didn't kill anybody. Now though, I am ready to reclaim this poor body. I've so badly abused myself for so long and I'm ready to fight FOR me. I am ready to see myself as a whole person, who needs rescuing, and I'm the only person strong enough to do it.. Just watch me go now. Now that I feel well. Now that I can see how I am going to make this forever. Now that I don't need to fight myself. Now that my children understand that I need to look after me too. Now that I feel able and willing to stand up and do it. Now that I'm on my side ^_^