Thursday, June 14, 2012

One serious fault, and the whole thing's bust

... that's how the test went too.

I was SO anxious. I had a major panic attack the day before while food shopping, and despite doing really good 4,7,8 abdominal breathing, and using positive reinforcement, I lost it, was a sweaty shaking mess at the checkout.

On the day I was terrified. Drove about for an hour before, everything seemed ok but I was so WIRED. It was awful.

Got to the centre, did the eye test and the under the bonnet stuff. Got in the car and broke out shaking/sweating. Got around and did my manoeuvre and emergency stop fine, but made a few minor faults through nerves and not checking mirrors in a sane order! About 10 minutes from the end of the test, having done my independent drive, and realising that all the 'bits' were done, I made a silly mistake.

I was waiting at a junction to turn right, I could see that I was close, so so close. I just had to be calm, and patient, and let it happen. Instead I saw what I thought was a gap in traffic and went for it. .. After half a second I clocked that wasn't going to work, and pulled back, but the damage had been done.

That moment of not being focused, of throwing myself forward before I was ready/needed to go, cost me my  pass.

Isn't that exactly how I mess up everything for myself?

So, test is rebooked for in a few weeks. I now believe that I can do it, but know I need to focus, to stay calm and to be patient. The rest will follow.

My serious fault as far as eating goes, was made back in late July 2009. I was through all the hard bits, weighing 148lbs, having lost 84lbs. And I messed up, jumped in too fast and gained back a couple lbs.

Here I am now, 3 years later. Back at 232lbs (pretty much, at least right now tonight post-dinner I am) and ready to re-sit the 'test'.

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