Monday, July 30, 2012



The RELIEF! Now I have to get back to the gym. ;)

Day Of Terror!!

Three things today, I *have* to face, and really don't want to.

  1. Weighing in
  1. Driving test
  1. Smear test

I dare someone to have lined themselves up a meaner Monday.

1. Weigh in this morning was not bad at all - would have seen more off, but I've been having an extra meal of carbs each day while feeling terrified about my upcoming test.

previous weight - 225.5 BMI 38.7
current weight - 220 BMI 37.8
Loss - 5.5lb
% loss - 2.4%

2. Now I'm off for a 2 hour driving lesson before my test at 12.40am. I am so terrified, but really want to get this done and over with. On Saturday it will be a full year since I got in a car for my first lesson, biting that bullet. My weight/health stuff has taken a back seat this last year, lots of stuff has been let go of as I dealt with life-stress stuff, but the driving I have kept on with. Having not given up yet, I NEED to get this done, and move on.

3. An hour after I get home, I'll be heading out for another test. Routine smear (yay, oh to be female) test. I don't mind the procedure much at all, it's totally painless and takes all of 2 minutes, but stripping off at this weight makes me feel dreadful. Still, determined not to let my flab get in the way of my health, I must go...

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The ten days that vanished

Saturday 14th - attended Church BBQ with my mother-in-law, ate burgers and salad. Burgers were NOT 100% beef, but in fact contained much wheat, as evidenced by join pain and swelling that evening, leading to carb frenzy. Oops.

Sunday 15th - Kids and I had been invited to go to my parents, we were called at 2pm to say that no, we couldn't go down as my brother had a headache. Instead we had ice cream factory. I may have not measured a thing, and eaten more wheat. :s

Monday 16th - Rained so I did not attempt to attend weightwatchers, spent the day preparing sailboats for Beavers that evening. Went to Beavers. Stuck to points but felt not-so-great.

Tuesday 17th - Asda delivery arrived in the morning, cheaper by lots than Sainsburys, but 100% beef burgers also found to contain wheat. Not impressed with skanky looking humus either. Had driving lesson and then came home and relaxed.. and ate a HUGE bowl of cereal. :/ Went to Oxted though and collected my power plate voucher.

Wednesday 18th - Spent morning booking swimming lessons, dance lessons, Royal Institution lectures etc for the next term before taking Seth to see the Animal Inside Out exhibit at the Natural History Museum, then on to see 'The Amazing Spiderman' at the cinema. I walked lots and we had a blast.. BUT we ate crap. I ate soooo much pick'n'mix at the cinema (actually, I didn't finish it, brought it home...)

Thursday 19th - Friday 20th - 2 days of lounging about doing not-very-much, Sam discovering he'd whacked on 7lbs and us deciding the cheese, yoghurt and humus from Asda was bad quality, and deciding we'd prefer to be eating less of Sainsburys produce, rather than a larger amount of Asda's for the same price. Ordered in Chinese on Friday night. Ate a 1/2 duck pretty much to myself.

Saturday 21st - Another day doing not much. Realised that my back was aching again and did attempt to think before eating. 

Sunday 22nd - Went out for dinner with parents and grandparents - ate 3 courses and felt pretty stuffed - though I did skip my chips and not finish my ice cream..

Monday, July 23, 2012

The drag-myself-back before it gets worse weigh-in

previous weight - 220 BMI 37.8
current weight - 225.5 BMI 38.7
GAIN - 5.5lb
% GAIN - 2.5%

Didn't get to weightwatchers, mostly because I just was not awake after a late night - but I did weigh myself and saw the full damage 10 days did - 5.5lbs. That's more than half a pound a DAY. Ugh.

Sam was up by 4lbs still too - we're both hoping to shed that, (and a bit more?) this week.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Where are you on the global fat scale?

The BBC ask..

At 234lbs I was off the chart - with a higher body fat percentage than 100% of the world (on avergae) Even now with a BMI of 38 I still am, need to be another 25lbs smaller before I'm the fatness of an average 15-29 yr old woman from Tonga. *Sigh*

Still, when I reach 144lbs (just inside my healthy BMI range) I'll be bang on average for the UK, but still heavier than 75% of women my age in the world! If I were to HALVE my starting weight, getting to 117lbs and a BMI of 20 (so reasonable) I'd STILL be heavier than a third of women my age in the world. That's incredible, and I feel lardy. :s

Anyhow, just as I was looking at that page earlier, the phone rang. It was the gym calling to let me know that I'd won a competition on facebook. 0_0 I have 6 free powerplate sessions. Lucky me. Going to pop in and get the voucher, and book the kids onto swimming for next term. I would like to rejoin the gym for my birthday - get some more weight off my joints first! - and this is a really good incentive to do it!

Panic attack and NOT eating through it

After I posted yesterday morning I went and checked the train information for my trip to Brighton. There had been a major disruption to the line from Victoria to Gatwick, and so our prebooked tickets weren't valid. Then I phoned to report to the petlog people that Toblerone (the cat) was officially missing.

That teeny thing set me over the edge. 

I was panicking. Couldn't fill my lungs, head felt dizzy, my skin was crawling. I hadn't had a panic attack for over a month (and then it was due to my driving test) so this was my first one since kicking bad eating habits.

Not ONCE did I actually consider grabbing something to eat, as a method of coping. Instead I talked about how I felt. Had a cup of tea, and gave myself an extra hour to get ready. I asked Seth whether he'd mind skipping the Sealife centre, because that would free up the money for new tickets, and give us extra time. That was fine by him, he just REALLY wanted to visit Choccywoccydoodah, go to the beach to collect stones for his tortoise table, and see Rachael. "We can do Sealife anytime, be better if you could have fun wouldn't it Mama?"

... so by the time I got on the Brighton train, with a hazelnut latte (thankyou Starbucks) I already felt fine. And enjoyed the coffee without *needing* it, and the panic was gone.

Shop from TV! It's real! ZOMG!

We went and got some last minute bits Sam needed for his weekend away. Went to Choccywoccydoodah where Seth squealed and bought chocolate and squealed - we went to the beach and found stones for the tortoise table. Seth took photos of me in my 1 stone apron! Despite the mad, bad wind that tried to steal my prize away from me!

We got to the right bus stop, found Nandos and Rachael and had dinner - and I ordered my meal. They brought me chicken leg instead of breast, but as I'd already planned my food, I realised that meant an extra 4 propoints and so gave Seth my corn on the cob.

By the time we got home, I was fine. I hadn't eaten my angst, yet it was gone. Whoot.

Today Sam left for his 5 day weekend paintballing. I'm left alone with bedtimes. Although, it's not the bedtimes, it's the having-three-kids-who-still-need-parenting-through-the-night, and another child who might if something's up. I am aware that I might not get much sleep, I might feel trapped by the rain and stress. I might want to eat, or chuck sugar at the kids to get them to be 'nice'. I am not willing to do any of those things. If I feel tired, I will say so, and rest as much as I can. If I feel trapped by the rain, we'll go for a muddy puddle jumping session. If the kids fight, I will remember that I want to model to them how to work through/with feelings, not hide from them or medicate them away. It's been/being an odd week, but come Monday am I WILL see proof that my body is being allowed to get well, to match my head. 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

7am plans

The kids are not yet up. I'm stressing about a lost cat (sadface) znd have had 2 busy days with eating having to be slotted in and tracking on the go.

Still, I've eaten *well* am within my points, and while my stomach is gnawing with anxiety about my poor kitty, I have not contemplated EATING the upset. So yay.

Finding myself up and about at 7am (searching for sign of mog) I decided to be useful, so I've measured out my days milk allowance, and settled down with Nandos website to choose what I'll eat later on. They're awesome in having nutritional info ready under each item on their site menu. Love Nandos. Also found out they have an app, so if my planned food isn't available, I'll have access to re-think.

Peri-Peri - GOOD food. Om nom.

Not going to let torrential rain in July, or AWOL kitty upset my physical health. Good start to the day - I just have to keep my head when we get to Choccywoccydoodah! Seth is very excited to go now, after having watched some of the new series on Good Food.

As I've reached my 1 stone off in time, I'll be getting my 'prize' of the Chocyywoccy apron :) This first stone has mostly been about making my own food, taking time to put together ingredients that = health and satisfaction, instead of grabbing ready made, salt and grease laden crap. So to mark that change, I need an apron. ^_^ A chocolate one!

Monday, July 09, 2012

A stone down

previous weight - 222.5 BMI 38.2
current weight - 220 BMI 37.8
loss - 2.5lb
% loss - 1.11%

21 days ago I weighed 14lbs more than I do now. I was morbidly obese, whereas now I'm 'severely obese' and half my way down to plain 'obese' Whoot, the levels of obesity. ;)

I'm now enjoying real, good, food. Eating regular, correct portions. Enjoying making food for myself and my family. Not wasting money on take out. Not craving junk. Not thinking about food all day. Not feeling 'hungry' when I go to bed. Not waking up aching.

I'm DOING stuff. I'm doing life. I want to be healthy and able, I think I believe that I will be.

This week coming will be a fun one - today I missed going to weightwatchers meeting because I was booked for a driving lesson (with my awesome instructor, Spencer - from 'Him and Her' Driving School - look, they're as bonkers as me! 

So I've text my leader with my loss so she'll KNOW how much I'm down for next week. Then today my MIL is over for lunch and we're out to Lingfield to do tortoise-based stuffs. This evening is Beaver scouts, and the group are bringing in 'hobby' things, so an evening of protecting/keeping track of possessions!

Tomorrow is the last session of rugby before summer hols (Hardy har, weather, I'm still not finding you funny) and we'll be at MILs for dinner to belatedly celebrate her birthday.

Wednesday I'm off to Brighton with Seth. We're headed to Choccywoccydoodah, he's seen the TV programme on Good Food and NEEDS to go there. Then we're doing a sea life centre visit (his birthday treat that we couldn't do back in June) before heading to the Marina to meet our friend (she was my friend, Seth has nabbed her too) for her birthday dinner.

Thursday Sam is leaving to go on a 5 day trip, headed to the Brecon Beacons for a 54hr paintball event. Nutter. I'll be aloooone with the halflings until Monday night. He'll be eating hog roast. He owes me. 

I'm after staying on track, not eating any stress and another 3lbs off this week. I reckon that's doable, especially if I'm running after all 4 halflings next weekend alone!

Saturday, July 07, 2012

child obesity

Just read a thread on a forum I frequent, where parents who agree with the philosophy of autonomous living, argued that it worked, except for TV and eating, THEY had to be controlled. I thought about it, and I'm fairly certain I disagree. I think that yes, obviously screen and sugar are two very addictive 'substances', but that with appropriate provision, time, and modelling, kids can self regulate. 

My kids love TV, they love PC, and Wii and playing on apps on my iPhone. They LOVE chocolate and cookies and sugary doughy mess. They do. And they have access to these things, they aren't controlled, they are not used as rewards/punishment. There is no extra value attached to these items, other than their intrinsic worth to each individual.

Looking at that cycle, I do not disagree, but it's missing a vital link. What happens between 'healthy child' and mildly obese child. It's not as simple as TV and food - it's what causes them to seek out TV and fatty food over other things?

I thought I'd check my kids' BMI, I know they are healthy, they are active and wonderful and eat good food, but if around 27% of the kids in the UK are obese (obese, not overweight!) then statistically, if none of mine are then they are faring 'better than average'.

Sure enough, all 4 kids fall within a normal, healthy BMI range. Seth being the closest to the 'heavy' end, and still a good few lbs away anyway.

So then, I thought I'd think back over today (because I wouldn't remember any further back) and see what they've done/eaten/drunk.

They all woke between 7.30-8.30am, when their bodies woke up, not due to alarm/being woken.

They played Wii, had breakfast, cleared up after breakfast, read books, ran around the house playing 'Kirby', used the PC to play Sims, reading eggs, watch youtube, watch cbbc. They painted, they peeled potatoes, they watched 2 DVDs, they sorted recycling, they played with Doctor Who toys, they phoned their Nana to have a chat, they got their wooden castles out, I showed them how to use heat to melt objects together, they helped prepare lunch, they fed the cats, they dressed up, they helped clean out the reptiles, they ate dinner as a family, they played on my iPhone, they used my laptop to access reading eggs, because the 2 PCs downstairs were in use by siblings, they helped frame a new picture, they used oil pastels to draw a mural on the wall, they fed the cats again, they brushed their teeth, they tidied up the fragile toys, they got ready for bed, they were read a story, they went to sleep. ... and all the other stuff I didn't notice.

Screen was unlimited, and on all day, and they all bounced back and forth using it - but BECAUSE it was unlimited, and they could bounce on and off, LOOK at how much else they wanted to do. Because it wasn't 'stealing' into their alloted time on screen.

And then, this is what they ate today - and at no point did they ask for anything that they weren't given access to -

A full list of everything I put into my kids' bodies - 06/07/12
Grilled bacon (with rind removed)
Boiled egg
Mixed rice
Peanut butter
Ground sea salt
Fromage frais
Orange squash
Blackcurrant squash

We have stuff to make cakes, we have meringues, and chocolate sauce and sugar and golden syrup and the shops close by with many yummy things they like to have. They will ask, on Tuesday, as we head to rugby, whether they can each have an ice cream. Because it's a long walk, and lunch is late, and Why On Earth Not.

Kids are obese because they are being shown that the stuff that can cause obesity if overused, is a 'treat' something to want, something that is a reward, something that is restricted.

If instead we let them make choices based on truth and experience, they choose the barely steamed veg my lot had for dinner "because it's crunchy and a bit cold, but look how colourful it is, full of life that is going to make my body live for a 100 years!"

So there.

Friday, July 06, 2012

Just Keep Moving Forward

My friend Jayne, who is a constant source of inspiration to me, posted this blog on Facebook just now. Often Jayne posts stuff at times that just *work* for where I am, and this is no different.

I want to start running again, I hate that people will see me and judge me.

Reading this blog post. I am struck my this quote -

Say what you will but I got off my ass and did it.
And I consistently do it. I do it for me, not you …and I Inspire and amaze myself every day at how far I am able to push my body mentally [and] physically. I feel bad for people who can’t look at any picture of ANY athlete and not be inspired.
Honestly, hearing how this photo has inspired folks, I hope it goes viral!  I want everyone to know that it IS ok to be any size and still compete.
I don’t hear [the] negativity, only the passion I have in my head and heart to achieve anything I set my mind to. 

So exactly the kind of thinking I needed. Pulling out the positive affirmations, and tomorrow I'm sticking these notes around my home -

I don't hear the negativity.
I got off my ass and did it.
I do it for me, not you.
I inspire and amaze myself every day.
It IS ok to be any size and still compete.
I have passion in my head and heart to achieve anything I set my mind to.

... and tomorrow I'm going for a run.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Melting the Yeti

Can't quite remember how much I've shared before, but that being the case it's unlikely anyone reading will remember either..
My husbeast, Sam, referred to more often than not as the Yeti, is being beaten into submission healthwise.

He has ulcerative colitis, it's not in remission, has never really been in remission. He was diagnosed around 4-5 years ago and his health has got slowly worse since. He's been in pain and on several meds every day for at least 4 years, since before our girls were born anyhow.

I've been nagging at him for about 3 years now, about the possibility that cutting out wheat could ease most of his symptoms, and give his body a chance to heal. I know how bad my IBS is when I eat wheat, if cutting it out could prevent IBS, then maybe lack of those symptoms in him would give the ulcers a chance to heal.

The day I started back on plan, I took over his food, completely. He has given food making decisions over to me and not eating anything extra at work (I've been providing rice, fish, veg/fruit). He has been wheat free for two weeks now, despite having a meal at a pub and a meal at his mums. He's also avoiding spicy food, fizzy drinks, cut out extra sugars and non-soluble fibre. I noticed a difference in him after just a week, in that his skin tone looked more even, and he just looked less rigid. Today he turned around to me and said that yes, he has noticed that his colitis is better than it has been for a long time. Urgency has been reduced greatly, and while he's still in pain, it's less overwhelming than it had been.

I am so, so excited. He's also losing weight, healthily. But I am just buzzing at the idea of him being well again. Not feeling trapped by this shitty (har har) disease.

He's starting with a BMI of 32.01, weighing 270lbs (19st 4lb - a whole 3lb less than his top weight) He needs to get to 252lb (18st) to not be obese, then lose another 3 stone to hit 210lbs to be a healthy weight. 60lbs to lose, and a whole bunch of nasty symptoms. ^_^

Weight loss -
June 18th - 270 BMI 32.01

January 14th - 260 BMI 30.8

Started weightwatchers meetings 2013

January 28th - 266 BMI 31.5
February 4th - 262 BMI 31.1
February 11th - 261 BMI 30.9
February 18th - 260.5 BMI 30.8
February 25th - 264 BMI 31.3

Monday, July 02, 2012

Pulling it back ^_^

previous weight - 225.5 BMI 38.7

current weight - 222.5 BMI 38.2
loss - 3lb
% loss - 1.33%

After Fridays' blowout, I pulled it back. It wasn't easy, eating the wheat meant for more pain, I was bloated and cramping and my back and joints felt hammered. But I stuck to my propoints. Ended up having used 25/49 weeklies and lost 3lbs! Quite chuffed because I'm now firmly into the 15s.

We talked today about not getting bored with Lunch. Letting the midday meal turn into not-so-fab snacking. That had been a big problem for me, because I often just can't be bothered to make that meal. Now the kids are bigger I tend to chuck together something with pasta, or spread with ryvita, yoghurt and fruit, and that keeps them happy until dinner.

My lunches *are* boring, but they work for me - I tend to have cheese and fruit and a cuppa, or grated courgette, sour cream and prawns, or an omlette. All around 5-6 pp, all taste good, all fill me up enough that I'm not back in the kitchen soon after.

In the summer (if it EVER arrives) I love to treat myself to a bowl of coconut greek yoghurt and mixed berries as well, for around 4 pp. 

So, I am not feeling like lunch is a red light issue for me right now.

Something that has been a problem time and time again is burning out. Pushing myself too hard, too much and then falling apart. I had a friend leave this comment on facebook today, and it sums up pretty much the whole 'fight' of weightloss/finding your 'healthy';

For me it has been about creating healthy habits, and just doing them over and over again until they feel natural ... And knowing when to relax and rest about it all so I don't get burned out.
Creating healthy habits has been ok, doing them over and over until they feel natural is something I know I can do now. The thing I HAVE to watch for is staying relaxed about it all, not pushing so hard that it all falls away in a screaming moment.

My aim for the scales this week - lose another 3lbs.
My aim for living this week - get out and *do* something every day, make this good habit natural. 

six months gone..

How, HOW are we halfway through 2012 already? Wow.

I know I have my New Year resolutions up on my calendar. Not sure what they are, but bound to be along the lines of not being obese, running 5k again, passing my driving test, keeping up seeing friends and not going 'hermit'.

Halfway through the allotted time, and I really believe that it's possible I can still achieve all of them.

Given that as of last week I had 52lb to lose to get to 'overweight' - that's bang on 2lb a week.
I can do couch to 5k, I have before, it works. That takes 3 months.
I am going to pass that blummin test.

And I've not been hermit Joy at all.