That teeny thing set me over the edge.
I was panicking. Couldn't fill my lungs, head felt dizzy, my skin was crawling. I hadn't had a panic attack for over a month (and then it was due to my driving test) so this was my first one since kicking bad eating habits.
Not ONCE did I actually consider grabbing something to eat, as a method of coping. Instead I talked about how I felt. Had a cup of tea, and gave myself an extra hour to get ready. I asked Seth whether he'd mind skipping the Sealife centre, because that would free up the money for new tickets, and give us extra time. That was fine by him, he just REALLY wanted to visit Choccywoccydoodah, go to the beach to collect stones for his tortoise table, and see Rachael. "We can do Sealife anytime, be better if you could have fun wouldn't it Mama?"
... so by the time I got on the Brighton train, with a hazelnut latte (thankyou Starbucks) I already felt fine. And enjoyed the coffee without *needing* it, and the panic was gone.
|Shop from TV! It's real! ZOMG!|
We got to the right bus stop, found Nandos and Rachael and had dinner - and I ordered my meal. They brought me chicken leg instead of breast, but as I'd already planned my food, I realised that meant an extra 4 propoints and so gave Seth my corn on the cob.
By the time we got home, I was fine. I hadn't eaten my angst, yet it was gone. Whoot.
Today Sam left for his 5 day weekend paintballing. I'm left alone with bedtimes. Although, it's not the bedtimes, it's the having-three-kids-who-still-need-parenting-through-the-night, and another child who might if something's up. I am aware that I might not get much sleep, I might feel trapped by the rain and stress. I might want to eat, or chuck sugar at the kids to get them to be 'nice'. I am not willing to do any of those things. If I feel tired, I will say so, and rest as much as I can. If I feel trapped by the rain, we'll go for a muddy puddle jumping session. If the kids fight, I will remember that I want to model to them how to work through/with feelings, not hide from them or medicate them away. It's been/being an odd week, but come Monday am I WILL see proof that my body is being allowed to get well, to match my head.