Struggling so much today.
I want to eat. Everything. Anything. First real compulsion to eat
I actually felt tempted by the biscuit tin when giving the kids an afternoon snack earlier. They havn't tempted me At All in months and months.
Only the thought of the pain, and the new formed habits NOT to binge stopped me.
Pretty sure it's hormonal. But that makes it worse. There's no easy 'fix'. Can't grab some water/protein/sleep and be back to normal.
I am angry, everything is irritating me. I can feel it's not anyone else, it's me. But ARGH.
I am avoiding doing a binge. I'm really quite far from eating like that, but I can feel my skin crawling for it.
Have gym tonight to go to, and I'm holding out for feel-good post-gym. It's only 5 hours away.
Busily using time to make good plans for next two days, rather than sink lower into pit of self pity.
Tomorrow I'm going to take the kids out for walk over to Riddlesdown to see our local ParkRun in action. I've registered and am planning to run on the second Saturday of February (the next Saturday that Sam has off so I can run). Then we're having a 'film afternoon' - the kids are watching Avatar while I read next to them, bliss.
Sunday we're going to head to the cinema for the KidsAM film - Ice Age 4. Then home and I can have a rest day, which will mean cleaning out reptiles and hoovering and clearing the kids' room!
Need to chug some more water, use 'comfort food' like soup and just keep reminding myself that food won't fix the grump.
Sam has just text asking if I wanted anything from the shop.
I may have gone off the deep end.
To be fair, I have told him many times to please not offer to be my junk food delivery guy - 6-8pm was my prime binge hour, to offer me a chocolate and crisps delivery service is a bit unfair, and unsupportive.
If I need anything, I order it, or go buy it, or shockingly I can text HIM and ask.
I did apologise for my hormonal state when he came in, but explained that underneath the rage and stamping and flailing arms and 'I am going to kill you with fire because I am an evil she-dragon who has had half a years' worth of PMT inside the last 10 weeks!' .. there is a woman who is calmly asking her husband to not put obstacles in her way, please.
He had realised what he had done though, and DID buy me something from the shop as a treat, 'as I deserved them for working so hard.'
|Kitty not included|
He's alright, that boy, really.
After doing him a gourmet meal of tinned soup, I started getting ready to head to the gym. As I went to change I shot an 'icing on the cake would be mum and dad deciding they can't gym tonight, I *need* the workout'.. sure enough not 3 minutes later (me in leggings and sports bra) the phone rang, my mum saying no gym tonight, the car is kaput.
So I'll head over to Oxted by train then, I can get there if I run, have an hour at the gym and be home for 10.30pm. But no, Sam has a meeting to go to at 9.30pm.
At this point I have to laugh. I'll do my dips tonight, and head to Oxted to gym Sunday afternoon. Swap the rest day to today. HOW I needed that workout, now I'm learning how to cope, and not binge, even when my alternative release is not available.
I had a latte, and sat and watched a short film with the kids while Sam went early to his meeting. I got to do the relaxing
Had a quiet time alone to get this post free of many swear words and exclamation points, then did my dips and sorted/hung laundry, which is the most annoying but zen household task ever.
Week 4 Day 2 Level 3 : Total Reps - 179
Sets - 32, 37, 23, 32, (46+)performed +4 on last set - Total Reps - 183
I survived, I feel ok now. Sam is home and wanting to watch tv on the sofa, the kids are all in beds dreaming of wintery walks and home cinema days, I have beautiful flowers and a home that smells of clean laundry.
Didn't binge. I feel good, and I did not binge.