Baby Belly Bulge Battles and Breastfeeding

2.30am

2012-01-05T02:30:00.001Z

3 days down. I've eaten *loads* of my weeklies. Still, lying in bed with my gut eating itself.

Nyaefgh.

I'm doing it. :)

Oh also - got the scales and my guess of 210 was spot on. Arse!

- Does this post seem more intelligent than average? Posted from my smartiPhone

Happy 2012!

2012-01-02T12:20:00.000Z

I know I've been very absent, sorry about that blog. When I go off track I'm usually trying to hide from EVERYTHING. So, yeh.

This compulsive eating is a serious bitch of a disorder. I'm in agony again, physically.

Had promised myself that today I had to get back on it, regardless of whether I did I am committed to going back to the weightwatchers meeting next Monday.

My scales have broken so I don't know what the damage is, but 2 weeks ago I was 14st 7lb (203lbs) - I'm guessing I've hit 15st again. It feels that way.

I'm in pain, everywhere, all the time. I feel huge. Sweaty. Achey. My head hurts. I've got no energy. My joints feel as if they've been stuck in ice. I know all of this would stop if I looked after my body. It's *screaming* at me to STOP eating all the CRAP.

So, today I have.

I know those butterflies aren't going to fade away, every time I see them in my reflection I know what I have to do. Breakfast today was an omelette and latte. I have prawns defrosting ready for lunch. I've joined in with a 6week kick start event on Facebook with the ww5 group. My goal is to be 'overweight' for valentines day, instead of 'obese'. I'll get some new scales today so I can see what my starting point for 2012 is.

back on it ^_^

2011-11-29T11:27:00.000Z

Miles walked - 30.5
previous weight - 196 BMI 33.6
current weight - 192 BMI 33
loss - 4lb
% loss - 2.04%

Feel happy with that result. Especially after a weekend of not much moving and lots of scrummy food - the big, gym-heavy front half of the week pulled me through for a 4lb loss.

11lbs to go to hit the 50lb off that I want for New Year, and 5 weeks to do it. It's a reasonable goal, and will feel amazing to start 2012 halfway to goal and in the 12 stone range. I'm going to do it. ^_^

Feeling back on an even keel. Spent yesterday in Brighton with a mate and tracked my eating (even with a visit to Choccywoccydoodah!)

Aiming for a 2-3lb loss this week. Going to eat all my daily & weekly but not touch my AP. Earned 48 last week, aiming for the same this week. ^_^

Shake it Out

2011-11-24T10:22:00.003Z

"Tonight I'm going to bury that horse in the ground
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn."

"It's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off"

Been listening to Florence + The Machine A LOT this week, really good music + lyrics for pushing through when working out. Looking forward to getting tickets tomorrow, to *finally* see her live next March!

All is going well with eating/living here. Been gymming each day, eating well, feeling good. Trying to push myself this week, doing stuff I find 'scary', but that is good for me/my family.

I booked my driving test yesterday - first available date was for a little over 5 months time, which I should be ready for.

Today my brother has cried off going to work out, so I'm plotting to take the twins swimming instead. More than a little nervous at the thought of being in a swimming costume around other people. Voiced my fear to Sam, in Seth's earshot..

'Why are you scared of being in a swimming outfit and fat? I don't get it? Is it 'cos you think you will sink?'

I explained that no, though that is a valid reason to be scared, I am just worried people will see me and think yuck.

'But that is weird, why would people care? And why would they think you look yucky? You are a nice person.'

So, with my 6yo pointing out that I'm being a shallow idiot, I am going.

Tuesday-

30PP earned 11AP

9801 steps/4.08 miles

10 minutes warm up on the bike @ 90rpm
a minute stretching ^_^
15 minutes cross trainer @ 9kmph up & downhill
8 minutes rowing machine
3 x 12 reps chest press 25 kg
3 x 12 reps row 30 kg
3 x 12 reps shoulder press 12.5 kg
3 x 12 reps leg press 50 kg

1 x 12 reps pull down 35kg
5 minutes recline bike @ 65rpm
2 minutes stretching

Ugh. Ugh. Hanging on by the skin of my teeth.

2011-11-22T15:18:00.000Z

It's been a shitfest of a month, November.

Got back on track and felt good, had done a good first week in the gym, had a decent loss and felt ok. Then husbeast came home and told me he'd been made redundant. Again.

I did well the first day. Went out and smashed out the anger/fear/sadness in the gym. But then panic set in and I hid at home eating. Missed weigh in the next week as I was ill (read run down, stressed and sulking) and continued to not move much and eat crap.

Last week I went and faced the music. Had gained 8lbs which was totally deserved. Then went and gigged at smashing pumpkins and ate too much, but felt ok. We've worked out a temp job for Sam, I'd decided I couldn't let myself fall into the trap of thinking that stopping living was less painful than pushing through.

On Friday my period arrived, so I felt rubbish-er, ate wheat and copious amounts of chocolate and put on another 2lbs.

Ugh.

BUT. I went to group yesterday, I tracked, I went to the gym (I'm headed there again in an hour) and I know I am back in a good place, after a fortnight of stress, illness, hormones and it being that time of year.

Sam will be back working again in a couple of weeks, I can keep my weightwatchers and gym membership and I've ONLY gained 10lbs. It's not a small amount, but it's nothing compared to what it could be if I hid and pretended I didn't mind (again).

I still have 6 weeks until 2012 arrives. I could chuck a stone off by then easy, hit the 50lb mark that's been looming for months now! Break that halfway barrier. I'm sure if the energy I feel now gets going that I'll manage more than that. I would LOVE to go into 2012 out of the 'obese' range. We'll see!

Monday-
30PP earned 16AP
17414 steps/7.25 miles

10 minutes warm up on the bike @ 90rpm
a minute stretching ^_^
15 minutes cross trainer @ 9kmph up & downhill
8 minutes rowing machine
3 x 12 reps chest press 25 kg
3 x 12 reps row 30 kg
3 x 12 reps shoulder press 12.5 kg
3 x 12 reps leg press 50 kg
1 x 12 reps pull down 35kg
5 minutes recline bike @ 65rpm
2 minutes stretching

Catch up...

2011-11-22T10:01:00.002Z

31st Oct -
Miles walked - 25

previous weight - 190.5 BMI 32.7

current weight - 186 BMI 31.9
loss - 4.5lb
% loss - 2.37%

7th Nov - weighed at home
Miles walked - 24
previous weight - 186 BMI 31.9
current weight - 191 BMI 32.8
gain - 5lb
% gain - 2.69%

14th Nov - back to meeting
Miles walked - 35
previous weight - 191 BMI 32.8
current weight - 194 BMI 33.3
gain - 3lb
% gain - 1.57%

21st Nov - went to meeting, hid from scales!
Miles walked - 32
previous weight - 194 BMI 33.3
current weight - 196 BMI 33.6
gain - 2lb
% gain - 1.03%

ready to step on the scale

2011-10-30T22:00:00.002Z

Feel like I'm very steadily back into the groove now. Spent Friday with a friend, letting the kids bounce around soft play while we drank coffee and caught up.

29/29 PP (18 weekly remaining)
1194 kcal - burned 370 kcal through exercise
8268 steps = 3.44 miles

Saturday I had my appointment at the gym to do 'bodystat' and have an instructor session on the Powerplate. I was amazed at the fact the powerplate actually worked, and am going back next week for my second go. The bodystat readout was useful too, and a nice surprise was my hip:waist ration being under .80 again!

47/29 PP (0 weekly remaining)
1864 kcal - burned 485 kcal through exercise
8257 steps = 3.44 miles

So - more water needed according to bodystat. Water app agrees, says 3.5 litres a day, not 2. So today I did. And gymmed - already feeling I can do more.

8 minutes warm up on the bike @ 85rpm
a minute stretching ^_^
15 minutes cross trainer @ 8kmph up & downhill
10 minutes stepper @ 3.5 floors a minute
2 x 12 reps chest press 20 kg
2 x 12 reps row 25 kg
2 x 12 reps shoulder press 12.5 kg
2 x 12 reps leg press 40 kg
5 minutes recline bike @ 65rpm
2 minutes stretching

Starting at the gym has stalled my weightloss, according to my scales, still I'm sure once the water settles it'll be fine. I'm going to be back down from last weeks 190.5 anyway!

40/29 PP (31/42 AP remaining)
1521 kcal - burned 1032 kcal through exercise
9906 steps = 4.12 miles

No one ever drowned in sweat

2011-10-27T22:02:00.003+01:00

Had a HUGE headache after gym on Tuesday, barely moved at all on Wednesday and felt really rubbish. Ate many points too, but tracked it all and did NOT binge. Just ate some high fat stuff (coconut yoghurt, seeds, nuts etc) that made for a healthier body come bedtime, but a high PP day.

51/29 PP (22 weekly remaining)
1762 kcal - burned 223 kcal through exercise
4970 steps = 2.07 miles

Yesterday was a far better day. Very careful and mindful of what I was doing and eating, and went back to the gym in the evening, determined to do my training plan to the letter. I did.

8 minutes warm up on the bike @ 85rpm
a minute stretching ^_^
15 minutes cross trainer @ 8kmph
10 minutes stepper @ 3.5 floors a minute
2 x 12 reps chest press 17.5 kg
2 x 12 reps row 25 kg
2 x 12 reps shoulder press 12.5 kg
2 x 12 reps leg press 35 kg
5 minutes recline bike @ 65rpm
2 minutes stretching

Then walking the mile uphill home ^_^ Felt goooood.

33/29 PP (18 weekly remaining)
1354 kcal - burned 1032 kcal through exercise
9905 steps = 4.12 miles

death at the gym earns a snicker bar

2011-10-26T15:23:00.000+01:00

Is close to what I must have looked like working out the activity points I earnt at the gym last night. So much sweat, in public. And for a snickers bar???!!! I so wasn't wasting those hard won points on chocolate, I've hoarded them for more latte instead!

Made my way around quickly, managed to get my routine done inside an hour, so pretty cool and should be doable 4-5times a week.

Tuesday - 31/29 PP (44 weekly remaining) earned 8 AP
1229 kcal - burned 867kcal through exercise
8253 steps = 3.43 miles

Woke up today with a headache and it's raining and blugh. Been stuck in all day with kids who are getting less and less amused with the walls. Must *do* something tomorrow.

Trying to convince myself to gym tonight, might wait and see what mood Sam is in though. We ended up arguing a bit last night, and I'm not in the headspace to be adult about not bawling my eyes out if it happens again.

Could have been so so much worse

2011-10-25T15:06:00.000+01:00

Didn't actually get to weigh in yesterday, as the kids are still all out of whack, and by the time we were all up and ready, it was too late.

Still, I know my scales are pretty much bang on, so jumped up...

Miles walked - 22

previous weight -187 BMI 32.1
current weight - 190.5 BMI 32.7
gain - 3.5lb
% gain - 1.87%

Could have been a lot worse. But then I thought about it. Though I have been off track, and eaten too much. I HAVE NOT BINGED. In fact several times I've just not started eating what was on my plate if I realised I was full already. A few times I got big portions, then chucked half away once I was 'satisfied'. Not over full. Satisfied!!

I've not gone shopping for baskets full of crap that I then quietly eat hidden out of view. I've not looked back at a days eating and felt sick at myself. I think, for the first time ever. I am really, really getting my head screwed on right.

The BIG issues are making bad choices in what I'm eating, not amounts. Lack of exercise and eating wheat again. After my gym induction last night I'm fairly sure sticking to the plan my trainer drew up will sort the exercise part, and to be able to do it I'm going to have to kick wheat, or die of breathlessness on the elliptical!

Just did it

2011-10-24T22:15:00.000+01:00

I went to the Gym! Was so nervous about going, but I'd promised myself, and my itchy flaky tat was a good reminder all day.

As it was I was a lot less bothered about the other people there once I got going. Realising how unfit I am was painful, but that will only improve now! Have booked to do a 'bodyscan' on Saturday - will be very detailed picture of the state of my bod right now, and where it *should* be.

Going back tomorrow night to work through the training plan I've been drawn up. Ouch.

Back to tracking each day here too - need to stay on top of that for now.

All in all, a good day.

32/29 PP (46 weekly remaining) earned 7 AP
1415 kcal - burned 654kcal through exercise
10124 steps = 4.21 miles

Skinny small latte to go please

2011-10-23T16:21:00.001+01:00

On my way home after pulling myself up off the sofa and to the gym - induction booked for tomorrow night, though I did have my kit with me ready to go if they had space!

45 mins until the next train (gah, Sunday) and I've got costacash on my loyalty card, so I went to the cafe. Looked at the cakes, panini and flapjack - but the cleansing feeling of having made positive steps stopped me.

So here I am - slurping my skimmed latte on the platform waiting for a train. Even though I'm guessing I must be up 5lbs again and feel a little bit annoyed at the slip, I'm happy that a 2 week long bust is only 5lbs now. Reckon the new personal trainer will scare those off me!!

- Does this post seem more intelligent than average? Posted from my smartiPhone

No surprises

2011-10-23T11:21:00.000+01:00

I love how very obvious I am when I fall off plan. It's never a little thing.

For 2 weeks now I've not tracked, or stayed off wheat, or drank enough water, or worked out, or blogged.

Realised yesterday I was at that point, where I need to do something *now* or it'll lead to a spiral of doom. That's melodramatic, but totally true.

I put too much importance on hitting the 50lbs off for my birthday 4 weeks ago. When it didn't happen I went a bit mad. I've not made specific targets for myself that I *know* I can reach. Saying I'll lose X by Z is difficult, because at the end of the day, I can ensure that my weight is going down, but never choose how much. It's not an exact enough science!

I'd been thinking that I could skip weigh in tomorrow as my mum is away anyway, and claw back to where I was, then try to hit 50lbs off for the front of November. Once there I could have a 'reward' yadda yadda...

What I NEED is to get back on it now. So I need to look at what I am letting hold me back.

Not tracking - so reloaded the app (it had been so long it had crashed :s) and tracked breakfast properly.
Not staying off wheat - I know that this is so important, I stay of wheat I feel better, I eat better, I move more. Simple. Have chucked out wheaty naughties, all gone, only my clean, good foods left for me now.
Not drinking my water - have started the day with a pint of water instead of a latte. Must go to the tap and not the coffee machine when I fancy a drink!
Blogging - going to make myself check in every day again until it's all fallen into place.
Not working out. This one is where I'm going to reward myself NOW, for making the choice to get back up. After the shred I want to be using weights more, and with it being dark by the time Sam is home I don't feel safe running (roads here are busy and pavements narrow) so I'm off to join a gym this afternoon. 0_0

I'm hoping to go 4/5 times a week, for 90mins. It's a monthly membership, so if I'm being unrealistic in thinking I have the time, I'm not tied to a contract.
Not looking forward to feeling flabby and a n00b, but I want to use their stuff, so I gotta go.

poorly sick

2011-10-19T22:27:00.001+01:00

Missed weigh in Monday because I was in bed with a fever. Since then Sam has been ill, and I've been off focus.

Feeling quite a bit better today though, and aware that last week was a bad one anyway. Got to really focus on planning food, tracking properly and getting enough exercise, I can still the mojo slipping.

To spur me on I went and got started on my boxer grrrl ink, as a 30 day shred celebration. Got the outline and shading done, going back in 2-3 weeks to get colour finished and my tattoo artist is excited to wrap it all together as a half sleeve.
It's placed underneath my 'not afraid' tattoo, and is perfect for getting my fear-free strong self back on it.

and off again ^_^

2011-10-11T12:38:00.000+01:00

Been a hard fought week last week, busy, but not particularly active, lots of triggers for thoughtless eating.

I used all my weekly points, all my activity points, and had a couple days where I had to guesstimate amounts. But I did something right, as there was a 2lb loss at the scale yesterday. Phew.

Miles walked - 35.3

previous weight -189 BMI 32.4
current weight - 187 BMI 32.1
loss - 2lb
% lost - 1.06%

Only did 1 session of Zumba, 1 run and 1 Shred this week. Not enough. Need to do 5 days next week, and stick within propoint allowance.

Feeling good though, have a few easy, happy weeks ahead going into winter. 6lbs to get the 50lbs off. Aiming to do that by the end of October, as well as finish the c25k plan.

3lb gain

2011-10-03T11:52:00.000+01:00

On Friday morning I saw 184 on the scales. In just 3 days I put enough food in my body to gain 3lbs weight. Whoops!! Stepping up to the scales this morning, I knew I would have gained, but it felt fine. I really am so pleased with the head changes this time around.

*So* glad that I did the shred, running, Wii fit and walking to earn the activity points (and metabolism) that meant it wasn't a bigger gain.

I know that getting back on track this week, I'll see a good loss next week, so that's what I'll do. I'm not feeling upset/set back. This is a BIG change, it's not a race, it's *one* week, and a totally expected result.

Hoping to chuck the wheat bloat and run 3/4 times this week to pull a 7lb ish loss - that'd feel a bit good!

Miles walked - 35.4

previous weight -186 BMI 31.9
current weight - 189 BMI 32.4
gain - 3lb
% gain - 1.61%

bust...

2011-10-02T21:56:00.001+01:00

Bugger, bugger, bugger.. been trying to outrun this binge all week, and thought I'd done it.

To be honest, it wasn't a bad one. A chorizo ciabatta and some Nutella on bread - but it wasn't measured/tracked and I know I've gone way over points.

Then Sunday night we had pizza. Again, didn't eat huge amounts - but too much, wrong foods and heaps of wheat.

Anything less than a 4lb gain tomorrow would be awesome, oops.

Friday
10960/4948 (4.6 miles)
29/29 pp & 4 ap (1367/1200 kcal)

Saturday
14846/4948 (6.2 miles)
total feck up....

Sunday
6034/4948 (2.5 miles)

unbalanced!

2011-09-30T14:13:00.002+01:00

Have had a few days of craving carbs and dairy. Granola, chocolate, cheese. I've gone over my daily and weekly pp and used ALL my activity points (it's a good thing I'm doing all the walking/running/resistance training at the moment...)

Since having the 'blowout' on my birthday, I've really struggled with eating normally. I know that most of it is psychological. Once Monday is here and I've a fresh new week it'll fall back in place. Just hoping that I won't have earned myself a gain, something that may throw me out if my head is still a bit out of whack.

Have got a lot done this week though, despite the chaos of my eating. I've been out to see friends, have got to new places (even used the tram with all 4 kids, in rush hour - blugh). I've gone through the boys basement, tidied out and cleaned all the toys, computers and games, beds etc. Got the kittens back to full health, kids are all well. Exercise is on track - now on week 7 of the c25k, running 25 minutes straight and on track to be running 5k 3x a week by the end of October.
My last shred is today, I will have completed 30 days straight of doing the DVD, and 10 days on all 3 levels. Planning to continue to do the shred 3x a week through October, as well as running 3x a week - having a 'day off' each week too.

Really, all is good. I just need to plan my next week, before I end up eating my body weight in chocolate flavoured crap!

Wednesday
14127/4948 (5.9 miles)
29/29 pp & 2 weekly 10 ap (1570/1200 kcal)

Thursday
10066/4948 (4.2 miles)
29/29 pp & 26 ap (2112/1200 kcal)

balanced

2011-09-28T10:49:00.001+01:00

Got the Shred done bright and early today. Had been finding getting on with it first thing harder, as I'm getting to bed later and just TIRED when I wake up.

This morning I overslept, woke at 7am and realised Sam had fallen asleep on the sofa after showering 0_0 got him up and out, but he was *grumpy*. Could tell he wanted me to say 'oh, just take the day off' but he was only 30 minutes late, and really, no. He's needing to go in, not throw a strop like a teenager.

Had a tense 5 minutes as he got dressed and out the door, I was upset and feeling guilty, and then more cross because he was doing the guilt trip thing. Then cross at myself for taking his strop and turning it against myself. I'm forever saying to him/my mum/the kids that other peoples' actions can only effect you if you let them, and here I was going into a guilt/anger spiral over 5 minutes of tired grumpy hubby. Hardly something he could help much, and really not worth upsetting my morning over. Gut reaction was to either a) go back to bed and doze for an hour, trying to convince kids to stay in bed too or watch crappy TV or b) eat something creamy/fatty/calorific. Instead I grabbed my sports bra and did the shred. By the cool down I felt fine again, and as a bonus I've already conquered today's Jillian-fest.

.... and I just realised I really should apologise to Sam for getting on his case this morning. If he was truly being too grumpy, I could always have just left him to it. Sent him a text to say sorry. And not playing any games either. Don't think I've been this balanced/aware of my emotions ever that I can think of.

Going out to enjoy the sun (it's nearly October?.. I'm not going to complain!) again this afternoon with our bunch of Home Edding friends. Feeling a bit nauseous but think it's the last two days of chocolate catching up with me. Graze box to get me through that, and a big fluffy omlette planned for dinner. May attempt a run tonight too, try to get week 6 of c25k complete before my legs forget what they're supposed to do!

Birthday splurge.

2011-09-27T23:24:00.001+01:00

I. Ate. So. Much. on my birthday yesterday.

My hamburger & sundae together were 42 pp! I was stuffed.

Then managed some Mrs Crimbles dutch apple cake with Nutella - my favourite, but another 34 pp!!

2.5 days worth of energy in 2 meals. Astounding.

I did shred though. I did track. I did intend to use my weekly points this week, and at the front end of the week, to boost my metabolism.

I'm 28, I feel great, October is days away and I'm stoked, because this month I will:

Run 5k
Hit 50lb loss
Hit 'overweight' and *leave* obesity in the dust.

Today I went into London with the halflings to meet a friend. Nice sunny day for chatter and gentle stroll through Green Park, got in and cleared up and did my shred. It's just become routine now - there are just 3 days left until I won't be doing it daily. I know that longterm it wouldn't be great, but for me it has been good for my mind, in breaking the STRONG belief I had that I was truly too weak.

Bound to fail, too fat and too unfit and just plain too lazy to manage it. I've felt that way for years, and am really feeling like I may have beat it away for good doing this very intense month. It's come just at the right time for me. While I couldn't (or perhaps rather, *wouldn't*) continue 7 days a week for longer term, I'm now convinced that 5 day weeks are probably a good idea, rather than an unachievable goal.

Got to sit down sometime in the next couple of days and work out October's exercise routine.

Monday
10875/4948 (4.5 miles)
76/29 pp (2796/1200 kcal)

Tuesday
18091/4948 (7.5 miles)
29/29 pp (1129/1200 kcal)

going down

2011-09-26T11:38:00.002+01:00

Used 17 weekly pp, think I'm undereating now maybe. Earning around 50 pp through activity and still have over 30 weekly pp left - could have eaten 12 pp extra a day and still lost weight, theoretically.

Just 1lb off this week, but I felt great seeing that scale move down again. I'd had a boozey weekend, a fry up on Sunday, a thai on Saturday and I lost weight. This is normal life, this is *living* it.

Off for a birthday meal today, planning to use *all* my weekly pp for it!

Miles walked - 30.7

previous weight -187 BMI 32.1
current weight - 186 BMI 31.9
loss - 1lb
% lost - 0.53%

27 and dresses

2011-09-25T23:35:00.000+01:00

Wore my 27th unique dress out and about on Saturday, to go to Roller Derby, out for a meal and then out in Croydon until late. Completing my challenge with one day to go!

Then I went and bought 4 more dresses this afternoon - I'm converted.

Dress 1 27+68days
Dress 2 27+77days
Dress 3 27+81days
Dress 4 27+82days
Dress 5 27+83days
Dress 6 27+86days
Dress 7 27+89days
Dress 8 27+108days
Dress 9 27+130days
Dress 10 27+139days
Dress 11 27+145days
Dress 12 27+152days
Dress 13 27+159days
Dress 14 27+244days
Dress 15 27+309days
Dress 16 27+312days
Dress 17 27+319days
Dress 18 27+321days
Dress 19 27+325days
Dress 20 27+330days
Dress 21 27+335days
Dress 22 27+342days
Dress 23 27+342days
Dress 24 27+346days
Dress 25 27+356days
Dress 26 27+357days

Dress 27 27+363days

Birthday weekend

2011-09-25T19:56:00.001+01:00

Woke up early Friday to get over to Reigate and get the shading for my koi sleeve completed. We were done by 11am, and so I had time to get my birthday tat.

A beautiful Phoenix *love* It took just over 3 hours and nearly 60 hours on I'm still so sore! But I adore it.

I'm going to turn 28 tomorrow, I'm nearing the end of my twenties. The last 9 years have been a rollercoaster. I am *so* so happy about where my life is at, my gorgeous family, fabulous friends. Throughout the difficulties we've been through, and my depression, anxiety and eating disorders, I've always been aware of how blessed I am.

I've always felt undeserving though. A failure. Not making the most of who/what I have, waiting for me to be the right size/shape/person. Waiting for me to do enough that I could like myself.

That's all over now - I'm turning 28 not wanting to be someone/something else, but the person I am now. The phoenix is there to remind me of this fresh start to my life. A new, healthy, strong me bursting out of the flames ^_^ My driving instructor reaffirmed it for me in the evening. 'You're capable, you can do this already. The only thing in your way is your fear, you are the only one who can remove that. Make mistakes, whatever. You'll only get better if you do.'

Saturday was a fab day of roller derby, a dinner out with my girls, then after party at scream lounge. Sunday I spent recovering, cleaning up and marvelling at how I have managed to keep on top of the shred routine even with being out for 30 hours!

Friday
8662/4922 (3.6 miles)
29/29 pp (1088/1200 kcal)

Saturday
8350/4922 (3.5 miles)
36/29 pp (1498/1200 kcal)

Sunday
10132/4922 (4.2 miles)
32/29 pp (1272/1200 kcal)

14 months...

2011-09-22T22:36:00.000+01:00

And I'm back to under 190lbs and running 25 minutes straight. July 22nd 2010 I posted, excited and amazed at how my body was responding. I feel the same way now!

I'm halfway to healthy, this birthday I'm celebrating who I am *right now* not who I could be in X months/lbs time. I'm rising from the ashes of the last 9 years of feeling like my body was the enemy, and that I wasn't good enough. The only person who has ever stood in my way is myself. I've finally realised how easy it is to step aside and let myself go for it. No fear, I have no reason to be afraid.

My weekend of birthday starts tomorrow. Sam has taken a long weekend, and tomorrow I get a day to myself, to go get inked - finishing off my koi 1/2 sleeve and *hopefully* something special for marking my 28th and where I'm at right now. Oooh, the suspense!!

Was my second day doing level 3 of the shred today, whoa she's not mucking about! 8 more days and I will have completed the shred. Unbelievable! Have also kept to plan & running, am very chuffed at my determination and balance this month.

Thursday
15067/4922 (6.3 miles)
29/29 pp (1233/1200 kcal)

It's all in your head

2011-09-22T00:17:00.001+01:00

'Maybe it's time to stop worrying about what I'm putting in my stomach, and start examining what's going on inside my head'

The last in the 3-parter on Claire Richards' weight issues. After losing the popstar to operastar show, she had no distraction from her body and the perceived flaws of it.

Her hubby says she has very low self esteem, and he sees it as the root of her issue. She doesn't see her good points, how talented and beautiful she already *is*. As far as he can see, she needs to believe she is as fantastic as she already is. He says she needs therapy, not surgery.

Focus on psychological reasons behind issues with food seems a good plan. Claire made contact with Mike Weeks, an 'extreme therapist' who has helped Jack Osbourne, among others. On his first visit he alludes to thinking that the yo yo dieting and magazine articles give her attention she wants. He then eats dog food as it is the most healthy food in their home.

Hubby starts at gym, saying he's going to lose weight and support her 'I'm just, toning up my body darling, for your sheer enjoyment.... as you will for me.' As he chows down on salad he's all cocky - 'look darling, this is how you need to do it' ..

Mike comes back, pinpointing lack of self confidence as an issue - so he puts her in situations where she has to make mistakes, with people. Task set is that she has to pretend she knows them, then deal with the embarrassment.

'The more OK you are, the more capable, of making mistakes without getting unwanted/unnecessary feelings/sensation.. the easier life becomes'

Afterwards she agrees,. She is too worried about how others perceive her. Always compared herself, even way back she compared herself to her sister while growing up. Thought of as being the 'big' sister.

Weeks next takes Claire to a nightclub - to do some old Steps routines. Wearing 4.5 stone of weighted suit, she is carrying 16.5 stone while doing dances. He hopes to give her an idea of how HARD life is at that weight. To realise how much she was taking around, how uncomfortable it would be to be that big.

During food shopping with kids, it becomes even more obvious that they are very stuck on convenience and junk food. Claire uses junk to 'keep them quiet'. Realises she needs change for the whole family. She sees food as way to please/treat/console them - cycle of emotional eating, but almost doesn't realise she's doing it.

At the end, her view has shifted -

This time something has changed - before I wanted to blame it on everything, I can see quite clearly now, it's only ever going to be me that's going to change the way I am. Little changes to food, routine, activity. For the whole family. Taking away the goals of weight and focusing more on my everyday relationship with food.

This feels very much where I am at now. As she says 'The only thing that's ever held me back is myself... I need to confront my fears head on.' Exactly what I'm doing, right now.

Something Mike Weeks' said struck me too - I still see focusing on myself this much as selfish, and just for me, but maybe I *am* gifting more to the kids, not just doing it with them (partly) in mind...

'If you want the best for your kids - how is it that you don't, therefore, get the best for yourself. So they see a happy, healthy mum, instead of one who's upset, because of this constant up and down on her weight?'

Wednesday
9858/4922 (4.1 miles)
29/29 pp (1172/1200 kcal)

Hurdles

2011-09-21T10:55:00.002+01:00

So, yesterday I woke with headache, still. But never mind, I had a plan for battling the day. My graze box to take on the stress of a hospital visit. I would be nicely full once we got to my mum-in-law's and she'd feed the kids, and I could then shred when we got home in the evening.

By the time we had to leave (10.30am) my postman hadn't yet been. I was already nagging at the kids, Emoboy is being particularly 'himself' at the moment. If you're not a videogame, he's not interested. Add to that, our smallest kitty baby is losing weight and looked particularly pathetic. I am getting them all to the vet today, and knew there was no way I could get her in yesterday, but felt awful.

Got to the station, ticket machines were down. Missed our connection at Purley trying to sort it, and Kai got confused with people moving around the ticket office, and took the hand of a lady near me, trying to go with her. Calmed him down and got on the next train, found a ticket inspector and got to Redhill with a few minutes to spare. Once Sam had taken the others, I took Kai to Costa and grabbed him a granola bar and juice. By that point I was feeling stroppy and hungry and the shelves of tiffin, caramel bakes and cupcakes were all *just there* still, there was 1 other granola bar, so I got that and a bottle of water.

The appointment went well enough, we left with Kai having a formal diagnosis of Autism and will be looking into the cause behind his various physical/motor planning issues. No big surprises there.

Got to the in-law's and sat for dinner at 6pm, I was ravenous, but ate a plate of veg and a small portion of skinless chicken breast, (and used my 7 extra weekly pp for 2 yorkshires and a bit of stuffing). Ignored the chocolate, ice cream, meringue AND creme brulee offered between dinner and finally leaving just after 9pm.

Got home just before 10pm, kids all knackered, girls had fallen asleep in car. I hadn't done the shred. Part of me was thinking I could catch up today, level 2 and level 3 and be on target. But I'd promised myself to shred EACH day, to break the mental barrier that I'm not strong enough to workout without a rest day for a month..

so I did it. And it was great. And I NEVER ever have to do another squat thrust again. Whoot.

Tuesday
11504/4922 (4.8 miles)
36/29 pp (1476/1200 kcal)

grazi Graze

2011-09-20T07:02:00.001+01:00

I've had an awful head since Sunday afternoon, my old method of coping would have been to eat everything and anything in sight, and to spend all day long in bed. Yesterday Sam stayed off, expecting that. I stayed in bed until the kids couldn't stand to lie in any longer, then got up and went to weightwatchers, made a (slow) trip to Sainsburys and got back home in time to do lunch. Managed the shred while Sam took the smalls out, then spent a couple of hours on the sofa while we did 'home cinema'. I was shattered by 5pm, but that was ok - only had to hang washing and mooch to bed. I stuck to points, I was very pleased.

Today I feel a bit better, my head is still nagging, but the nausea/fuzzy perception is gone now. I have to take the kids into Redhill at lunch to meet Sam, then go with Kai to the hospital for his ADOS assessment. Hospital visits stress me out, I dislike the atmosphere, the feeling that I'm on the defensive, the consultant's rude/abrupt manner. My usual way of 'coping' is to overeat on the way home. Today though I'm going back to my in-laws' as the kids will be there while Sam sees his chiropractor, and are eating dinner there. As I don't have to prepare food for them, I can avoid all food after the hospital. I've got a graze box due this morning too, which I can snack on as and when, and not think about preparing/weighing food all day.

I'm going to beat these emotional eating triggers, one day at a time.

Yesterday, simply *resting* was enough.

Today my gawjus scrummy graze box is going to save me from nervous grab-and-run eating.

Monday -
10065/4922 (4.2 miles)
29/29 pp (1153/1200 kcal)

steady week

2011-09-19T15:17:00.000+01:00

Was aiming for 4lbs this week, so I could do the same next week & hit 50lbs off for my birthday. The aim was to only use my daily points - I ended up using all 49 weeklies AND 7 activity points - an extra 8 pp a day.

Very happy with the 2lb loss I did get. Though I would love to hit 50lbs next week, 6lbs is a *big* ask.

Miles walked - 31.1

previous weight -189 BMI 32.4
current weight - 187 BMI 32.1
loss - 2lb
% lost - 1.06%

Arse-partame

2011-09-18T22:08:00.001+01:00

Dress #26 - 27+357

Gorgeous Laura Lees dress, back on - the beginning of many beautiful Laura Lees creations fitting again ^_^ So why do I look so grumpy here?

Because I. Had. Poisoned. Myself.

Stupid unthinking mistake, at lunch today (went for a lunch with my parents, sister, brother & his girlfriend) I had a diet pepsi. Spent the next 6 hours paying for it.

Then after my lunch of monkfish & prawn skillet, which I'd chosen and pointed, and had only a teeny serve of rice, I had another daft moment, and ordered a huge dessert. 2 cookies, pouring fudge and ice cream. About 18 pp (770 cals) I felt rough! Beyond rough.

Couldn't eat anything else today after that. Glad I have earned 50 activity points this week to dip into, I've used all my 49 weekly points as well as 7 activity points! Still, hoping for a small loss tomorrow. Then will aim to hit my 50lbs for October, no way I can expect nearly half a stone to shift in a week healthily!!

Sunday -
8140/4870 (3.4 miles)
29/29 pp & 11 weekly & 7 activity (2079/1200 cals)

Chucking the size 18s in the charity bin

2011-09-17T22:01:00.001+01:00

Even though I am skirtembering - wearing a skirt or dress every day of September (aside from when working out/sleeping) I draw the line at learning to drive in a mini.

Hadn't had a lesson since September 1st, when I chucked on some linen trousers to go driving.

Yesterday I was really, very certain that I would NOT be comfortable driving around in a swishy long rainbow skirt. So I went to change into trousers. They were all so big, I felt silly. Then I spotted my size 16 jeans, that I haven't fit into in a year now.. and I tried them on.

..... and they fit. Whoot! ^_^ Much as a 16 is far too big a size to carry on my small frame, it feels good to be back to 'regular' sizes. I can see all my lovely Laura Lees dresses fitting in just one more size down the scale. Wheeee!

Met my brothers' new girlfriend today, and went to fetch everyone fish & chips. I had a teeny portion of chips that were 4pp 0_0 and 5 milk tray chocolates for another 7 pp 0_0 again find myself very grateful for those weekly points the powers that be have allocated for weightwatcher types.

Wore one of my new Hell Bunny dresses, that I was worried wouldn't fit as their 'large' isn't uber-huge. It went on fine - in fact it'll be too big fairly soon, which is a bit tear inducing really. Going to wear another dress tomorrow for a family pub lunch out, then the 27th dress can come out to play at roller derby next weekend, two days before I turn 28!

Going to go through my clothes piles after my birthday as I have a feeling a lot will be ready to donate/sell now.

Dress #25 - 27+356

Friday -
8444/4870 (3.5 miles)
29/29 pp (1287/1200 cals)

Saturday -
9812/4870 (4.1 miles)
29/29 pp & 8 (1521/1200 cals)

Slave to food part two

2011-09-16T12:40:00.001+01:00

Caught up with Claire Richards' again. After shedding over 6 stone from a top weight of 16.5 stone, she'd regained most of it. Last week showed her skinny-ing back to a size ten, but the moment she'd done her contracted shoot and the cameras stopped she started eating again.

Soon she was back up 2 stone;

'It's getting to the point where if I don't do something now, it's gonna go all that way up again, and I really don't want that to happen.'

That's where I was at last September. I let it go, and up, up, up it went.

What she said while looking at herself in the mirror, really struck me, as it's *exactly* how I feel. At this point she weighs 12 stone 5/173lbs. Not hugely overweight BUT she is on the way up. I always *always* feel worse about where I am on the way up.

When I'm putting on weight I kind of.. disgust myself. It's quite a strong way of putting it, but I look in the mirror and think 'Ugh, that's disgusting!'
On those days, it's a bit - I don't want to say dark, because that's really dramatic - but, I do feel really down. and its almost like.. you've done that to yourself, but the one thing that makes you feel better is eating that stuff again. Its just a vicious cycle.

So, is removing food from that cycle an idea? She met Gemma, who had been yoyo for all her life. On lighter life she lost 11st in 10 months, using shakes as meal replacement. Claire said what I feel too - it's great it works for others, but I can't make that work for me long term. I've lost 2 stone over 6 months before, using slimfast, but I *need* to sort my relationship with food. Not hide from it, which is what *I* would be doing using these.

The professional nutritionist agrees, Claire is major denial. With issues like these, we've *got* to face truth to be able to make changes.

Claire then ends up thinking of surgery, mainly liposuction. Her hubby says what Sam would (and I agree, though part of me would be tempted) 'Any kind of surgical procedure has got to be the absolute last choice.'
Colleen Nolan agrees; 'I think it's a lazy way round the problem - you need to get down yourself and keep it off.' She's right of course. Losing the weight is not the issue, it's staying healthy once we're there.

'It's not about size & how you look, but how you are.' Colleen felt bad at her top weight. She had no energy, felt depressed and just wanted to eat and sleep - so she ate & slept and got bigger.. Now she say it's not about what she weighs, but eating well and feeling good and having the zest for life she had lost. I like this thinking, it's what I'm going for now. Even still being obese, I'm achieving that goal each day I do it right, it's much easier to stick to the lifestyle that makes you feel great, than to a diet that promises you X result in Y months time..

To tackle the long term weight-loss, I need to get to the root of the problem, break emotional connection to food. Once I get to my 'goal' weight I am going to have to stay aware, stay motivated, stay zesty!

At the end of part two Claire is digging in to a pudding and says to the camera (she's supposed to be tracking her food for the nutritionist) 'I mean this is really bad.. but I kinda dont really care' *This* is the attitude I *have* to watch for. If I want to eat some, as a treat. If it's adding to my enjoyment of life, if it's *healthy* for my mind/body/soul to include it, then I will. If I'm seeking solace in food/diving in with a 'shit, whatever' mood, I have GOT TO STOP AND SORT THE ISSUE. The answer is never custard.*

*Unless you are the eleventh doctor, my 6 year old argues. Custard (with fish fingers) can be the answer then.

Dog tired, negativity seeps in

2011-09-15T21:39:00.002+01:00

I'm struggling. Feeling very tired and snappy with the kids. I'm still shredding and running ok, but I could quite happily veg out on the sofa/bed all day. Have overeaten, not binged, but eating more often to try and keep energy up.

I've not been getting enough sleep, the girls are poorly too. Have also just started on my period again and spent a few days stressed and stuck indoors waiting for a delivery.

All told, I can see *why* I've eaten an extra days' food over the last couple of days.

Plan to take myself in hand. Earlier night tonight, aiming for 6-7 hours sleep. Day out tomorrow, just to the park to shift the cobwebs and get away from the fridge. I have a nice easygoing, but food-orientated weekend looming, so need to be back in the driving seat.

Realise that I'm at the point of sabotaging my own work, keep finding myself thinking negatively. Need to keep rising above that voice as I have been.

I am halfway through the shred
I have not *overeaten* this week, I've eaten inside my allocated propoints
I have kept up with c25k
I have looked after the kids
I have looked after myself
The home is being kept up with.

^ There crappy nasty voice. I *am* doing just fine thankyou. Now piss off.

Wednesday -
8902/4870 (3.7 miles)
29/29 pp & 12 weekly (1685/1200 cals)

Thursday -
10351/4870 (4.3 miles)
29/29 pp & 17 weekly (1726/1200 cals)

Eating out

2011-09-14T11:53:00.001+01:00

Last week my mum sat with the halflings for an hour, to cover the time between me leaving for my test and Sam getting in. Afterwards, having survived, she offered to come and sit them each Monday morning so I could weigh in and stay to meeting.

Yes please! The kids are really great about going with me, but the idea of having time for myself and being able to enjoy the group too was very exciting!

The topic this week for weightwatchers is 'Eating Out'. Timely for me as I'm having my first meal out on Sunday, as a family dinner to celebrate my birthday and to meet my brothers new girlshape! Local pub, lots of nommy food. The day before weigh in.
In meeting we talked a LOT about alcohol and eating out. Being very aware of what you're drinking and to track *always* Calories & Alcohol together are a dieters' disaster.

After working out propoints in a dark russian, I'll be skipping the cocktails this weekend!!

Got my weekly email from weightwatchers today "Eat Out And Still Lose Weight"

Eating out may seem like a tricky proposition when you're trying to lose weight, but a night out doesn't have to mean a night off your plan.Careful eating out choices can help you spend your ProPoints budget wisely. Here are some tips and ideas to help you stay on track when dining away from home.

I've looked at the menu online, I know the pub - we were there in June. I am all about the King Prawn and Monkfish in coconut, chilli and lemongrass. Will skip the rice, as the majority of propoints will be there. Guessing the fish will be about 4 PP, another 2 for oil used and around 4-6 for sauce. A 10-12 PP meal feels ok to me! Will skip dessert as I'm not used to that quantity of food now anyway.

I'm refusing to worry about it affecting weigh in now. I know what I will eat will be delicious and good nutrition. For the first time while being 'on plan' I'm not planning to blow points on a day out, but enjoy the company and somebody else cooking/clearing up!!

Eating in

2011-09-13T22:12:00.001+01:00

used to mean fatty chinese or huge curries. Not so much now...

Tuesdays and Thursdays are days when I usually am not in to make myself lunch. Grabbing good food on the go can be a challenge. Taking something along is a necessity. Knowing what I've got, and the nutritional values is key to staying in control.

I hadn't used Graze boxes for a long time, but had a look at their site again and was amazed (and feeling a bit hungry) after seeing the way they've expanded their range.

Dried apple & toffee sauce dip - 2 propoints
'Jaffa Cake' dark choc buttons, orange raisins and hazel nuts - 6 propoints
fruit & seed flapjack (so moist and crumbly, mmm) - 6 propoints
'Born in the USA' pecans, cranberries & almonds - 6 propoints

Shared the jaffa cake mix & toffee apple with the twins - and between an 8am breakfast and 6pm dinner, grazed on the box. It kept me satisfied all day, no hunger pangs - nice!

Hope to use these for long days out to avoid blood sugar dips. I feel like I'm having a real treat - lots of yummy flavours, it's *good* food and someone else does all the work. ^_^

If anyone fancies a free box, you can use the code:

www.graze.com

use this code when you sign up: KZ976FG

Tuesday -
6536/4870 (2.7 miles)
29/29 pp (1030/1200 cals)

Halfway to healthy

2011-09-12T22:59:00.000+01:00

After posting up the picture of my 3rd butterfly I put the link-thingummy on my 'metamorphosis' page. I noticed that the photo at the top of the page was one of me at top weight, sweaty after walking the flat 15 minute walk back from my first weightwatchers meeting at the end of June.

I'm nothing less than shocked, looking at the photos Sam took when I got in that day. The jeans that are straining to reach around me are long gone already. That 'top' is actually a size 18-20 dress, but was the only thing I had that fit around me.

I'm blown up, bloated and look like I'm in agony. That's because I was.

There's cellulite on my *arms* I've barely any neck. I am standing with my feet hip width apart because I can't get them much closer. My gut comes out to the front more than my boobs.

My spine is curved, my femurs are being bent to hold my body up. My upper back and shoulders had such limited range of movement.

I was fat, unhealthy, pretty much bedridden. Severe damage was being done every day I stayed like that. Getting out the door and to that meeting took huge effort and *all* of the strength I had. I am so proud of me in that photo.

I'm down 3 stone now. Another 3 stone and I'll be at a healthy weight. Time to look at myself again.

Oh, OK. A bit of a change then! 0_0

Obviously I've still got a lot of extra flub. I'm 3 stone over the top weight I should be, and still think of myself as extremely big and obese.

Here I am, sweaty after coming back from weightwatchers.. except today I'd just completed day 12 of the shred at level 2. I ran 2.5miles last night too.

My posture is good, no more pain. My neck is back, and is my ability to stand with my legs together! My arms and shoulders are now spending 10 minutes each day lifting weights. My arms are losing fat and toning up.

My top is a skinny womens M-L and the leggings are a 14. My gut is slimming down fast, and I have a 'proper human shape' again (thanks Seth).

Getting up and active each day feels good - still takes a lot of effort, but each time I find more strength. I am *insanely* proud of myself for fighting this hard.

Very nearly skipped the shred today. I felt so off, and with a good loss I wanted a rest. But that boxer grrrl tattoo pulled me onwards. I. Must. Not. Give. In.

Felt fabulous to find todays shred easier already.

Monday -
17704/4870 (7.4 miles)
30/29 pp (1140/1200 cals)

Blue

2011-09-12T13:00:00.000+01:00

If I falter, if I falter
Darling, will you reel me in?
If I lose it, if I lose it
Will you remind me where we have been?
...................................
Well, it's all up from here
It's like I can taste opportunity near

(Pop Art Blue - Zero 7)

Blue! Butterfly #3. Finally hit 13.5stone. This one's been a hard one, keeping at it hasn't been easy, and the lyrics of the song are especially potent for me.

I'm so glad I have these ink-y reminders to keep me focused every time I see them..

I know 6 weeks to lose a stone is reasonable. But it's been a long 6 weeks of overcoming mental barriers. I've made lots of mistakes, had to pick up and brush off and get back on it. At times I've felt that the hard work is too much. Now the pain is gone, and I've lost enough that I can wear normal clothes and do enough to live a normal life, the immediate need to lose weight isn't as pressing. Without this blog to read back on, it would be easy to forget where I was just 3 months ago. I'd falter and have nothing to reel me back.

I'm eating weekly points more. I'm eating chocolate again. I had some whaet on my mums' birthday. All these things mean slower loss, more juggling of propoints and realising that the novelty has worn off! To get the weight off and keep it off will be an uphill battle. But I'm strong enough. I am.

I'm running 20minutes straight. I'm 1/3 of the way through the 30 day shred. I'm losing the weight *while* living a happy, fulfilling life. I'm feeling the strongest and most positive I ever have about my body.

3 stone shifted. Whew, that feels good!

2011-09-12T12:47:00.000+01:00

Whoot! Back on it - I'd *really* really wanted to shift 3.5lb this week to take me to my 3rd stone off. After using 32/49 weeklies I was a bit worried it wouldn't happen, though I had earned 50 activity points too.

Got to the scales and 'whooped' a little when I saw that I had managed the 3.5lbs in a week I was hoping for. I know that wanting 11.5lbs over 3 weeks is a big ask, but with the shred happening, and having had a stay the same week / rest a couple of weeks back I'm sure that if I stick to my propoints and shred/c25k exercise, I can pull it off!

Aiming for 4lbs this week - going to skip using weeklies if possible, but will if I get hungry. Just not going to do foody 'treats' for a fortnight. With some fun plans coming up, I should feel 'treated' enough without needing any chocolate!

Miles walked - 34.6

previous weight - 192.5 BMI 33

current weight - 189 BMI 32.4

loss - 3.5lb

% lost - 1.82%

Pub night & Shred level up!

2011-09-11T21:33:00.000+01:00

I saw 188.5lbs on the scales this morning! Doing my measurements for the shred - really hoping that I don't wobble too far up from here by tomorrow - want to hit my 3rd stone sooo bad!

Went out to the pub last night with some old mates, and used a few weekly propoints, but kept within bounds of 'normal' - ate and drank the least of all of us ^_^

Today we moved up to level 2 on the shred - I've lost 5.5 inches in 10 days, not shabby! I HURT, but I'm determined to do it. Also ran day one of the 6th week of the C25K plan. Am nicely wobbly and gooey kneed now!

I *hate* the way she says it, but Jillian is right - the pain *is* fear leaving my body. I'm excited at the potential weight/inch loss and muscle building the shred could cause, but to get through it in 30 days will be busting a huge mental barrier. Fighting my fear to the death.

I've found a pinkytoast print that would be a perfect inkbaby to celebrate shredding strong and shedding the fear.

I've got a lovely spot on my slightly-more-toned bicep, waiting for her.

Saturday -
11674/4793 steps (4.9 miles)
30/30 propoints & 17 weekly (1422/1200 cals)

Sunday -
13121/4793 steps (5.5 miles)
30/30 propoints & 3 weekly (1443/1200 cals)

S.M.A.R.T

2011-09-09T23:00:00.000+01:00

My leader has posted on her facebook status this week

What are your SMART goals? Specific. Measurable. Achievable. Realistic. Timed. I want to be in my smaller jeans, comfortably by November!

I answered that I wanted to be running 10k again for the new year.

Then I flicked through the 'your week' booklet that's handed out at meeting, and there was a spread page on setting SMART goals. So I did!

Specific - I want to be at the 'healthy' BMI range for my height & be fit.

Measurable - I'll know I'm achieving weightloss success because I'll be back in size 10-12 and running 10k.

Achievable - I aim to lose 2lbs a week, also following running plans.

(Realistic) Rewarding - I will reward myself with my butterfly ink every stone weight lost, cupcake ink at 75lbs off.

Timed - I will achieve my goal by Valentines day (my 10th with Sam) - 23 weeks to lose 48lbs and to complete another 42 runs to take me to 10k.

Didn't end up having my driving lesson today, and it'd been 3 days since I last ran. Was due to run w5d3, which is the psychological hurdle of the c25k program. To go from running two 8 minute intervals to a single 20 minute run, seems a massive jump when a week before I've struggled to manage 3 and 5 minutes. The only time I've got past week 5, I did the first two days of week 6 (running 10 two times, then 8, 5, 8) before attempting the 20. Today I set out, aware that the shred has knackered my knees. I chose to be S.M.A.R.T with it, and set my iPod to the final run of week 5.

I'm so pleased that I was brave in taking that first step, it went really well, not too challenging but a good workout. When I kept running for every second and heard the voice announce 'cooldown' I felt like a rockstar.

Eat that, fear!

Friday -

10617/4793 steps (4.4 miles)

30/30 propoints (1259/1200 cals)

Slave to Food

2011-09-08T22:30:00.000+01:00

I watched a new program on Sky the other night, 'Claire Richards: Slave to food'. I remember the Steps girls from my teens. Also remember being shocked at seeing the photos of Claire at her top weight, 16.5 stone. At 2 inches taller than me, she was slightly smaller than I was at the same weight:

That's the same BMI (so similar size) as I had at 15.5 stone. To know I'm a further 2 stone down from there now is a huge relief. She spoke about body dysmorphia (though she didn't label it, she stood in front of the mirror, at a healthy weight and looking fantastic, and stated that she couldn't see any change.

Watching her was difficult, mostly because we seem to have the same faulty brain-wiring when it comes to food and body image.

'If I'm upset, I'll eat. If I'm happy, I'll eat. If I'm sad, I eat. If I like the taste of something, I'll eat until I feel sick.'

I, like her, can overeat staggering amounts and chuck weight on very fast. Or work really hard to shed massive amounts, with high expectations and pushing too hard to maintain long-term. We both seem to be *too* goal orientated, then once the goal is reached, there's no motivation.

A GP Claire visited noted this, she advised to 'ditch diets, ditch goals, ditch targets. Instead get healthy.'

I've realised before that 'challenges' and all-or-nothing goals can be very harmful to me. As I do the shred this month I am wary of it interfering with my health (burning out, getting too tired, not running or bingeing) so far I've stuck to plan, I feel *better* each day for shredding, stayed healthy while the girls had a cold and am making progress on c25k. So while the Shred is helping with my fitness levels, it can stay.

Weightwatchers is no longer a diet, but a tool to a lifestyle change I'm in the process of making. I have 'goals' but they're aren't win/lose now in my mind, just aspirational, motivational dreams. That one day I will accomplish. If I don't get to 50lbs off for my birthday, it'll happen the next week. It's not a big deal, I will be healthier, I will be making the right choices.

Speaking of which - I had my driving theory test this evening. Finally got hold of the handbook on Monday, and read through it over today and yesterday. I was a little nervous, and my stomach was jumping as I went in on the bus. I sat and decided I could have some chocolate afterwards, either as a 'reward' or as a consolation prize.

Halfway through the test I realised what I was doing. Decided I would go and get chocolate *because I wanted some* and not to 'blame' a test for my eating behaviour.

I passed, and relieved went and bought the bar of Milka Daim (nom) it was 100g and the emotional eater me would have eaten the whole thing during the first 5 minutes of the bus journey. Instead I worked out the propoints, and decided to use a few weekly points to have some, as well as a chocolatey latte when I got in. To keep my hands busy I posted to Facebook and sent texts to Sam, my mum (who'd been to sit with the kids so I could go!) and my instructor.

Managed to get back home without eating anything as an emotional response. Gave most of the bar to Sam, leaving me able to eat my portion with no guilt and just enjoy the taste.. Quite chuffed with that!

Wednesday -
11194/4793 (4.7 miles)
30/30 propoints & 2 weekly (1173/1200 cals)

Thursday -
9598/4793 (4 miles)
30/30 propoints & 10 weekly (1470/1200 cals)

Rainbows

2011-09-06T21:43:00.000+01:00

Really nice, balanced start to the week this week. The shred is beginning to make a difference, my run tonight was week 5 day 2 - 2x 8 minute runs. Usually I've been very puffed out and breathless. Not tonight. The circuit training has already really boosted my cardiovascular fitness.

Still on track with Skirtember too - wore my new rainbow skirt yesterday, as a dress.

Dress #24 27+346

Was a day spent out, decent amount of walking done, picked up my driving theory book to actually get some studying in before my test on Thursday. Had an ice cream during a burst of sunshine, then legged it to the train station as the heavens opened.

Went to get my ears pierced - properly, with needles, at a larger than normal size, so the 18 year old scar tissue is gone, and in a few months I'll be able to fit some funky tribal style jewelry in!

Went to see the in-laws afterwards and chatted wedding plans (my sis-in-laws') and wedding food, nom. Went through the menu choosing what they'll have on the day, there was lots of very lovely sounding stuff to eat! Seven months to go and a great motivation to keep going with weightloss! I'm excited at the idea of how I'll feel next April, compared to how I felt at my sisters' this May.

Today was a washout weather wise - still I shredded, weights up to 1.5kg from 1kg now. Also fit in w5d2 of c25k this evening, feels good to be able to *enjoy* using my body well now.

Have a meet with some local Home Ed families tomorrow, and a planned chipshop lunch, so I'll be careful to plan well for other food ready to cope with the propoint rich battered fish!

Monday -
16681/4793 (6.9 miles)
29/30 propoints (1082/1200 cals)

Tuesday -
10040/4793 (4.2 miles)
30/30 propoints (1174/1200 cals)

10 weeks in

2011-09-05T21:00:00.000+01:00

and I am nothing short of ecstatic at the changes I have made.

Going into July I was over 230lbs, I was in pain 24/7. I couldn't fit into my clothes. I was sweating constantly and had absolutely no time to care for myself.

I was on prescribed pain pills and 'knew' I wouldn't be able to exercise until I got some weight off and the inflammation down.

I was hoping to lose enough that I could start to exercise again in September. As in, going for 3 30 minute walks a week.

... It's September. I'm going into the 180lbs range. I'm waking up and doing circuit training before breakfast. No pain. I haven't taken the meds since mid July. I am back in lots of clothes I love. I feel comfortable and excited to finally be caring for myself.

I can run 2 miles. This morning was the 6th shred I've done in 6 days, I changed up on the weights, going from 1kg each hand to 1.5kg.

Now just 4lbs away from the 'halfway point' I'll have lost half the weight needed to get to a 'healthy' BMI of 145lbs. IN 10 WEEKS! That's AMAZING.

To be joining in challenges with my friends on Facebook - both the shred (exercise/health) and skirtember (image/health) - feels fantastic. I feel normal, and involved and alive. It's g-o-o-d.

Two weeks since I'd been at weightwatchers, and despite maintaining last week, I'd pulled a decent enough loss for a 2 week stint.

Miles walked - 27.9

previous weight - 196 BMI 33.6

current weight - 192.5 BMI 33

loss - 3.5lb

% lost - 1.79%

stayed within my propoints, phew!!

2011-09-04T12:30:00.000+01:00

Wore two dresses on Saturday - (during Skirtember, dresses count) One was a size 16 shift dress that my mum gave to me a couple of months ago & I couldn't begin to get on. Now it's an easy fit. Wore a party-ish dress later for my mums' birthday celebrations.

Dress #22
Dress #23 27+342

3 weeks left to wear 4 dresses. I've *so* got this!

Have kept up the shred over the weekend. Ate copious amounts on Saturday, but stayed within daily/weekly propoints, so hoping to *finally* break into the 13s this week!

Saturday -
12893/4696 steps (5.4 miles)
30/30 propoints & 33 weekly !! (2242/1200 cals)

Sunday -
9607/4696 steps (4 miles)
30/30 propoints (1252/1200 cals)

Following through

2011-09-02T14:30:00.000+01:00

Finally got a decent day of walking in today. The kids' colds are beginning to shift, so I shouldn't be stuck in so much!

Started the 30 day Shred yesterday, felt really hard going, and woke today sore and stiff. Still, dead chuffed with myself for going through with it and shredding again this morning *and* doing week5day1 of C25K tonight. Have eaten 15 weekly propoints over the last 2 days, as starting the circuit training made me feel hungry. Hoping I can get on without eating ALL of the calories I'm burning!

Got my mums' birthday celebrations tomorrow, intending to cook myself something seperate to others and just focus on hostessing. Really *really* want a stonking loss this week.

Thursday -
8581/4696 steps (3.6 miles)
30/30 propoints & 6 propoints (1538/1200 cals)

Friday -
14319/4696 steps (6 miles)
30/30 propoints & 9 weekly (1573/1200 cals)

September Shredder

2011-09-01T08:25:00.020+01:00

This post is nearly identical to last years'.. but by the end of the month there will be a BIG difference between them.

I am going to weigh and measure myself first thing each morning, every 10 days.

day 1 :

weight - 192lbs (first thing, starkers)
bust - 42"
waist - 37"
hips - 46" (47" over baby belly bulge)
upper arm - 14.5"
thigh - 27"

I will complete the 20 minutes of Level 1 each day for 10 days, and update here as I go. Then repeat for Levels 2 & 3, hopefully. By the end of the month this will be a long, long post.

day 1 - Got to the cardio section of the first circuit (so about 3 minutes in) and was a moment away from packing it in. I was sweating by the end of the warm up. I'm really aware that I failed after trying to Shred last September, stopped tracking, stopped running, etc. Need to push through the headstuff and Just Do It.
day 2 - Could feel stiffness setting in my legs while driving during my lesson last night. Proper sore and stiff this morning, and woke with a head ache too. Struggled to get good range of movement during warm up, but by the time the first cardio started it felt alright. Began to feel like my arms would give out during the last strength section, but I made it! Easier today than yesterday already - iPod helped a lot. Wondering how my run tonight will feel though!!
day 3 - Felt a lot less stiff today, but struggled to get the 'oomph' for the first circuit. After a strop and throwing Sam out of the room, I got on with it and felt VERY happy at cooldown!
day 4 - Lots easier today, no modification needed except for pushups. Sweating buckets, but no pain now, just feeling the burn in the right places!
day 5 - Again, feeling good. No modding except for Abs and Pushups now.
day 6 - Went from 2x 1kg weights to 2x 1.5kg. Better. No mods now except pushups - still too ouch on my wrists.
day 7 - Whoot! 7th shred down. Legs are sore again - think due to 2.5mile run last night. Could feel the positive effect of the shred while on my run - my legs were a bit tired, but my pace, breathing & heartrate were all very stable! Going to do measurements on morning of day 10, but can feel a difference already.
day 8 - Shins are very sore :( not going to be able to run tonight anyway, but think I'd have had to skip it regardless to prevent a real injury. Boo.
day 9 - my body is very much used to it now - legs still sore but lots less than yesterday. My head though, really struggling. Think changing level in 1 more day will help a bit but I do have to switch off the headchatter to get through it.
day 10 - Phew! So glad to have level one DONE. Had a lie-in until 9am, and then had to go out to buy a replacement wardrobe as my clothes were strewn all over the bedroom. Got back home at 12.30 and had a friend coming over at 2pm to spend the afternoon and then go to the pub. Knew I had to squeeze it in then if it was going to get done, could very easily of given it a miss! Felt really pleased that I got it done - used heavier weights too at points, up to 2.5kg each hand.

day 11 :

weight - 188.5lbs (first thing, starkers)
bust - 42" - no change
waist - 36" - down 1"
hips - 44" - down 2" (46" over baby belly bulge - down 1")
upper arm - 14" - down 0.5"
thigh - 26" - down 1"

5.5" lost in 10 days, and 3.5lbs. Fairly pleased with that, can feel fitness improving too - the difference it's made to my running alone *almost* makes the pain worthwhile!

day 11 - I thought I'd done level 2 before, but couldn't remember it. Now I remember it's cause I flaked out halfway through! Felt so weak today, had to take the weights back down too. Tried to remember how I struggled on day 1, I definately modified *less* today, but found the cardio in the 2nd circuit hard! Need to keep my head quiet - I can do this!!
Day 12 - 'mummy, you are VERY sweaty.... Should I make you a drink?'
Poor Seth traumatised seeing me shred after lunch.
'I want you to feel like you are going to die' well, Jillian, we can't always get what we want. But today was your lucky day. - I am not in so much pain/sore, but finding it hard. Keep feeling like I really *cannot* do it. Big mental barriers to pummel through each day.
Day 13 done - back up to 2.5kg on all but 1 strength move. I am not loving plank though, and my hamstrings feel very sore - noticed while walking up/downhill yesterday they feel tight, like my calves did the first days.
Day ‎14 done - whew, a fortnight straight! Daring to think that I'm getting the hang of level 2. Still modifying the walking pushups, but otherwise doing it all. My legs are battered though - proper bruises all over the left one. 0_0
15 done, later than usual as my dear eldest turned off my alarm! Had to wait until all kids were up and fed, so had full audience of 4 very critical little people!
Really struggled with my run last night, big mental barriers in the way right now. Am convinced I'm too weak to manage shred *really*, even as I complete each day I'm thinking I'm lucky I managed to fluke it again... :s
Day 16 - I *really* procrastinated about getting this done today. Awful nights sleep and I couldn't even walk straight this morning, so didn't even attempt it. Have done loads about the house trying to put off shred, even cleared and brushed down the garden & drive. Did just do it though, with 6 yo DS cheerleading me through it. Over halfway. Rawr! Well done grrrls!! ^_^
Done *gasp* 17/17 - had a weekend-y lie in this morning but lay there thinking about the shred. Will look forward to lazing again come october! Got to get house ready for having family over tonight now, hope the sweat stops by the time they arrive!
Oh and I hate the first circuit the most - apart from walking push-ups, got those sorted now.
‎18/18 done - really threw myself into it today, and ouch. sweat. Pleasantly surprised at how much my body is coping with it now though ^_^
19/19 done. Whew. Only one more level 2 left, and I was *just* getting the hang of it. Have been quite ill overnight, wasn't sure I'd manage, had to stop 2 times for 3 seconds (I counted).
20/20 done, with 90 mins to spare!!! Been out all day with hospital assessments for younger son, and seeing in-laws. Got in at 10pm and was upset at idea of having to play catch up, but saw the updates here and just couldn't not do it.
LOVED waving goodbye to each circuit. Muaha. Level 3 here we come.

day 21 :

weight - 185.5lbs (first thing, starkers)
bust - 42" - no change
waist - 35" - down 1"
hips - 43" - down 1" (44.5" over baby belly bulge - down 1.5")
upper arm - 13.5" - down 0.5"
thigh - 25.5" - down 0.5"

4.5" lost in 10 days, and 3lbs. Like that lots, the idea that I'm 2/3rds of the way through has GOT to be enough to pull me through this last level.

21/21 done. Level 3 is hard - but in the way level 1 was, a my body can't do this yet kind of feeling, rather than 'why, why I am dying like this??!' All the jumping in the 3rd circuit was very lame on my part, but I did it. ^_^
22/22 done. Good to be back to shredding first thing, but only 9 hours between shred = much muscle burn!! Got a busy weekend coming up, this is going to be where I have to Just. Do. It.
23/23 done. As if my arms/shoulders weren't sore enough, I sat for 4-4.5 hours today getting them bashed about with needles. Stingy.
Really enjoying level 3 now - it's hard, and I'm still modding lots, but yey - only 7 days left.
24/24 done - much pain in sore tatty area on right half of back and right arm! Still, actually enjoying level 3 exercises. Am off out for a day of roller derby and a night of after party - will do tomorrow when I crawl back home!!
‎25/25 done. After not much sleep and lots of booze I *sweat* even more than usual (which I would have thought impossible) No more weekend shreds! Only 5 left 0_0
‎26/26 - If at the start of the month I'd believed at all that I'd have made it this far, there is NO WAY I'd have dreamt I'd manage this weekend, and shred on my birthday. Huge, huge changes. I'm thrilled.
‎27/27 done. Oh the sweatage. I am, weirdly, really enjoying the level 3. Despite all the jumping. Despite having knackered legs from hours of walking today. Despite not getting my iPod sorted so I had to listen to cowface. Oh, and I can see my biceps all the time now, they're mighty purdy looking 0_0
28/28 back to the morning, yay. Was feeling cross and fed up after a niggly row with the husbeast as he left. My new response, beat it out with cowface. Also noticed the floor looks very grotty, so have shredded and hoovered and it's not yet 8am. Freak.
29/29 done, got to the end of cowface's commentary at the end 'you're at the end of level 3, couldn't ask for more... see you tomorrow..' and thought, yes. This is true. We are! Just one left, and assuming I won't manage to severely injure myself in my sleep, it'll be complete. Woohoo!
‎30/30 ^_^ I think I looked as demented as the women on the DVD, grinning through today's shred. Boy it felt good knowing each minute was the last time I'd *have* to do that minute.

My floor is soaking, I'm still a bit confused as to how my poor knackered body managed, but thanks to this group and some serious arse kicking this end it's done! Whoot.

post shred:

weight - 184lbs (first thing, starkers)
bust - 42" - no change
waist - 33" - down 2"
hips - 42.5" - down 0.5" (43" over baby belly bulge - down 1.5")
upper arm - 13" - down 0.5"
thigh - 25" - down 0.5"

15" lost in 30 days, and 8lbs. Rawr!!!

21/27 dresses, DONE

2011-08-31T13:31:00.002+01:00

The twins and the kittens are all poorly, awh. Snuffly little fluffballs are the saddest, cutest thing!

Finally had a chance to stop cuddling/wiping/cleaning up after the 7 poorly ones and keep on top of the bored-at-being-stuck-indoors boys!

Dress #21 - 27+335 - was worn on Sunday. We went out to see my sister and her hubby, they've just moved out into their new flat in Acton... just down the central line from Hyde Park and the playground that I have never taken my halflings to. I am such a neglectful mother.

The Princess Diana memorial playground was built at the northwest corner of Hyde Park, in Kensington Palace Gardens, where the further-down-the-line royals get kept. It's a fab playground, based around Peter Pan, there's sand and water and a big ship, tents, a lost boys treetop frame.. and areas for smaller babies/toddlers and picnics. It's a security entrance and just an easy place to go and relax with smalls, in the heart of London. Makes it paradise in my opinion!! Only downside is the TERRIBLE coffee, but I can deal with that for an afternoon. ;)

Wore a 20s style salmon satin dress, it's a 16, and kinda clingy 0_0 but I wore it!

Have joined both 'Skirtember 2011' and 'September Shredders' on Facebook - so starting tomorrow I'll be both wearing a skirt and being Jillian Michaels' bitch for 20minutes each day, probably not simultaneously.

Tuesday -
4720/4696 steps (2 miles)
30/30 propoints (1206/1200 cals)

Wednesday -
11172/4696 steps (4.7 miles)
30/30 propoints (1352/1200 cals)

2 months in ^_^

2011-08-30T07:07:00.000+01:00

I didn't make it to weigh in yesterday, had been up since 4.30am with puke-boy. Thanks a lot Krispy Kreme. According to my horribly accurate home scales I was up 2lbs. Thanks a lot Krispy Kreme. Spent the day feeling absolutely out of it and like I was sedated. Thanks a lot Krispy Kreme.

Seriously, had not tracked the weekend. I knew what went wrong last week. Trying to claw back points instead of letting our anniversary be a day off, turned the entire week into bedlam diet-wise. By the weekend I had no points left, so thought stuff it, and just ate.

Eating a 'little bit' of wheat on the way home on Saturday turned into crashing at Hyde Park on Sunday, and searching for more fatty, sugary, pick-me-up at the station on the way home.

2 Krispy Kreme donuts = 21 propoints (!!!) and almost 800 calories. Pretty much a day's food. Scary.

Back on track yesterday, thank goodness for the bank holiday - I just mooched about indoors doing housework and keeping an eye on Seth, while Sam took the girls out.

Monday -
5377/4696 steps (2.2 miles)
31/31 propoints (1147/1200 calories)

This morning I weighed again, sure enough I'm back down to 196 fully clothed. So I'm counting this as this weeks weight for food etc. As far as my weightwatchers card is concerned I'm still at 196 too, so it works.

After a 4lb loss this week to get back on track for my butterfly blue in 2 weeks time. I've the perfect song to go with it now too. ^_^

Miles walked - 36.4

previous weight - 196 BMI 33.6

current weight - 196 BMI 33.6

loss - 0lb

% lost - 0.00%

post crash fallout

2011-08-28T20:22:00.001+01:00

It's been a busy, wonderful, lovely but foody week.

I way overate the *wrong* foods on my anniversary, and in trying to claw back the calories, set myself up for failure.

I can see what went wrong. Fully intend to weigh in tomorrow and go back to high protein low carb eating. It just keeps thing ticking over well for me.

I've not even tracked the last two days, and I have eaten wheat. I feel tired and ready to get back to eating well asap, before I start getting ill!

Still, have been out and seeing people, doing driving lessons, and have completed week 4 of C25K. Am ready to start shredding for September this week, as well as joining in on Skirtember on facebook..

Fairly sure I'll see a gain on the scales tomorrow, but that's normal over 'celebratory' weeks, so I'll just crack on with shifting it (and a lot more) by the first weigh of September!

Wednesday -
10210/4696 steps (4.3 miles)
30/30 propoints (1189/1200 cals)

Thursday -
15702/4696 (6.5 miles)
30/30 propoints & 11 weekly & 8 activity (2000/1200 cals)

Friday -
9412/4696 steps (3.9 miles)
30/30 propoints & 10 activity (1475/1200 cals)

Saturday -
13113/4696 steps (5.5 miles)
foook knows.

Sunday -
17726/4696 (7.4 miles)
ahem. yeh.

Carb Crash

2011-08-24T14:59:00.001+01:00

Dress #20 - 27+330

Our Eighth wedding anniversary deserved a dress. At least the girls' thought so - both wore their bridesmaid dresses for our 'weddin' day' yesterday. I had planned a very purpley get-on for our day traipsing about Brighton. Even though we didn't go, I still had a couple visitors and bin men and chip shop folk to see on our day, so wore it anyway! Plus, this dress is fitting now, and will be too big in a month or so!

Chucked my Hell Bunny full violet petticoat underneath and twirled about (pre-chocolates) with the girls in the carpark - was as close to exercise as I got for most of the day!

Quite gutted that our plans fell through, as Sam had taken the day off and it felt a bit 'wasted' just sat in eating crap. Weird, as that was 'normal' life not long ago. Depressing.

Today my head is killing me, I've cravings for all sorts and I'm fighting to stay awake. Doing the bare minimum to get through the day, hoping that eating well today will mean waking up better tomorrow.

Sam was moody with me this morning, obviously feeling the effects of yesterday too, and that set the tone for the day a bit.

After my painkillers didn't crack the headache fast enough, I went to grab the pint of ice cream I knew was in the freezer. Decided 'f*ck it - I'll just use my remaining weekly points and have a small loss again' and dug the spoon in. Then spat it out. EWwwwwww!!!

Hadn't read the desciption properly online - it's bloody banana flavour!

Thank goodness for my weirdo quirks and absolute hatred of banana, just saved me a days' worth of calories!

Banana puree *heave*

I was so close to shovelling all 964 cals in. Really need to work out how to celebrate without messing with my body.

Eat-a-versary

2011-08-23T21:49:00.002+01:00

A nicely put together day on Monday was followed by a blowout on Tuesday.

Thankfully it was totally planned. I'd assumed that with fish and chips for lunch, taking all my days' pp, that I'd use the majority of my weekly pp to eat crappy 'celebratory' food.

We had about 200g of chocolate each, which *is* a lot, but not by my old standards, that'd be a usual daily amount. Not any more, I felt awful. Sick, bloated and exhausted. Actually had to go sleep it off for a couple of hours. Even with having NO chips, and gluten free batter, my haddock lunch was 900cals!!

900 calories 0_0

sugar coma

me almost falling over due to stoopid blood sugar

We'd planned to go to Brighton and eat chips on the beach, go to the carousel and the pier, mooch around the lanes.. but the rain was non-stop and so we stayed in, Sam braving the wet to go fetch lunch from the local chippy, and a box of chocs to share as a treat.

I barely moved all day, and forced myself to do 20 mins on the Wii to get a few steps in at least. Hoping the carb crash tomorrow isn't too horrific.

Monday -
14940/4696 steps (6.2 miles)
30/30 propoints (1232/1200 cals)

Tuesday -
6281/4696 steps (2.6 miles)
30/30 propoints & 37 (!!) weekly (2519/1200 cals)

35lbs off in 2 months!

2011-08-22T14:55:00.000+01:00

Saturday -
11221/4672 steps (4.7 miles)
31/31 propoints & 20 weekly & 11 activity (2302/1200 cals)

Sunday -
8592/4672 steps (3.6 miles)
31/31 propoints & 24 activity & -7 weekly propoints (2003/1200 cals)

Eaten average 44 propoints a day which sounds a hideous amount. Knowing that it's an average 1634 calories a day helps a little though, that's 45 cal a day below my BMR, so I was hoping for pulling a maintenance week out of the hat.

The weekend went well enough, though I ate too high-carb, and used sugar to perk me up. By Sunday evening I was a sugar zombie. BUT the kids were happy and well, we'd been out and about and I'd tracked the whole thing. To go just 1 propoint (70 cals, an apple) over each day was not the disaster it could have been.

I got my 5th silver 7 today, seeing a loss despite an emotionally draining week felt awesome. My leader really got it too, we may have bounced up and down and high fived at the scales...

Miles walked - 37.5

previous weight - 197 BMI 33.8

current weight - 196 BMI 33.6

loss - 1lb

% lost - 0.51%

Need to lose 3lb average a week for 5 weeks now to hit the 12's *and* 50lb certificate ON my birthday. I know I can do that.
Going for 4lb this week, as my 'comeback' week, lol.

There it is...

2011-08-20T11:14:00.001+01:00

I'm almost relieved, to be honest. Knowing that getting it right 100% of the time is not realistic. I knew eventually the binge would happen, and just hoped I'd be ready to cope with it.

Sam is away this weekend. Went Friday morning and will be back Sunday night. I'm not fazed about being on my own with the kids, I do that all day every day in the week. It's the nights. Kai needs to be physically restrained in order to sleep, and will wake and find it very hard to go back to sleep if he's not stopped from getting out of bed.

I went to meet some friends at Crystal Palace yesterday, left home at 9am and spent a long, sunny, happy day in the park, leaving after 8pm. The girls both fell asleep on the bus back to West Croydon, though I managed to keep Kai awake and chattering. It was after 9pm by the time we got onto our bus back to the village green, and after 5 minutes all of the kids were asleep. Getting off the bus took a bit of juggling, with 4 bags, 4 kids and 2 scooters to wrangle. They were all tired and cold and crying, and I could only carry one, needing a hand free to carry bags/scooters and one for Kai. It was five to ten, and the Co-op lights were on, so I went and grabbed chocolate to spur them on. It did. We got in, got them cleaned up, changed, ready for bed and settled the boys downstairs. Kai realised Sam wasn't about and started bawling. Needed to go to the bathroom, which meant me spending another 30 mins cleaning him up and dressed again. Then moved the boys to the sofas upstairs. Pushed them together to make a square bed/cot thing. Spent a while holding Kai down until he was whimpering but eyes closed. Every time he opened them and saw it was me and not Sam, he'd cry harder, so I turned the TV on low for background noise like Sam's PC and sat on the next sofa to feed the girls off. At about 11-11.30 he slowly drifted off, as did the girls. Then I heard the cat come in with something, eventually chased it out from under my bed, and went to resettle Kai.

I was starving and my head was throbbing, and I grabbed the nearest thing - all the leftover chocolate. Ate about 200g while sat staring at late night telly, too knackered to get ready for bed. Woke up on the beanbag at 1am, and dragged myself into the bathroom, then got myself and the girls to bed. Up again 3 hours later to pin Kai down before he woke fully, then I got another 3 hours kip before they all woke up.

Today I feel shattered. The choc blowout has left me foggy, grumpy and achey. I've split the propoints/calories between Friday and Saturday, and will just face whatever happens scale-wise come Monday, though I am within weekly points by a long way, so may get another small loss. Who knows.

I am really miffed that I grabbed the choc, but very chuffed that I tracked it and stayed aware!

Friday -
13629/4672 steps (5.7 miles)
31/31 propoints & 23 weekly (2210/1200 cals)

Stronger week.

2011-08-18T23:02:00.004+01:00

It's been an OK week, lots of errand-running and trying to clear my 'jobs' so this weekend I have nothing extra needing to be done while I'm solo-parenting.

Tuesday we did our usual library visit and park trip - with the new scooters that had arrived that morning, lots of squabbling over who had a turn next (they're expensive, so the girls are sharing one and Seth has one on credit while he pays me back)! Completed week 3 of the C25K, but felt quite breathless, couldn't work out why but it felt allergy based. :/

Tuesday -
10909/4672 steps (4.5 miles)

31/31 propoints (1182/1200 cal)

Spent Wednesday in Reigate. My mum-in-law had been away for 4 weeks in her caravan and had a few days back before she was off again. Spent a few hours in the sun at Priory park then back to hers to meet Sam. The kids and Sam had a (gluten free - thankyou M-I-L) dinner while I popped to the tattoo studio for a quickie! It's a smallish design on my lower leg, based on a wrap (woven cloth carrier for 'wearing' babies/children) by Didymos, called 'Pfau'. My first wrap, over 6 years ago, was a didymos. The Pfau design is over 30 years old and I have loved it (despite the retro garishness) since I first saw it! I love babywearing for saving me as a mother, want to carry the memories of the beautiful times with me always, even if my broodlings get too big to physically carry anymore!

Wednesday -
15763/4672 steps (6.6 miles)
31/31 propoints & 6 weekly (1467/1200 cal)

Thursday we were out of the house fairly early, on our way to Oxted to get stuff sorted at the council. Still all up in the air after Sam starting back at work and Kai getting DLA (and me getting Carer's Allowance). Our tax credits have all changed and I've been drowning in claim forms and calculations. Today's visit *should* get everything in order, and we're finally on top of monthly in/outgoings.
Met my mum and sister afterwards for coffee and chose a flapjack and latte. Was a tad shocked when it came to 16 PPs. Got home and ate soup mid afternoon, managed to stay on track but the huge amount of carbs had me shattered by the time I went out driving. Still, the lesson went well. My 2nd time behind the wheel and I was doing corners, uphill, in the rain. With other cars, and dogs, and pedestrians! Beginning to believe I may actually manage to drive properly at some point!

Also got in another dress today - one that I like, in theory, but couldn't get into once I'd bought it. (Another Primark 18 that I bought in January, still in denial that I was as big as I was).

Wore it to Oxted and forgot that I was even in a dress. Had compliments on it too, which felt weird. I did notice that the usually quite blunt/rude lady who deals with the benefits desk was smiling and friendly for the first time. I'm going to say it was the dress, but maybe the purple quiff helped? ;)

dress #19 - 27+325

40 days until my birthday, and 8 dresses to go.. that's one every 5 days?! I think I can manage it! Would feel good to have completed *one* task I set myself here this year!!

Thursday -
14016/4672 steps (5.8 miles)
31/31 propoints (1097/1200 cal)

My only 'concern' over the next few days of Sam being away (from Fri morning until Sunday night) is getting my running in. I couldn't run today as by the time I'd got back from driving and then popping out to buy milk etc, it was too late. I can't go out again until Sunday evening, at the earliest. That'll mean a 5 day gap between runs.. hoping it doesn't go against me.

weak week

2011-08-15T13:10:00.002+01:00

Wanted 3.5lbs off this week to take me back under 14stone (196), and I got more than halfway there. I know I shouldn't be disappointed with 2lb, it's a fantastic loss. Some weeks you lose less anyway, and this week I ate the majority of my weekly points, so a smaller loss was to be expected! Missing my weekly target for the first time does sting though.

So, going to knuckle down this week - have realised I now have just over a stone to lose to get my 50lbs off certificate, and 6 weeks (today) until my birthday - would start my 29th year off well, no? Losing 2.5lbs a week will get me there, so I'm setting a mid-term goal now.

Miles walked - 41.6

previous weight - 199 BMI 34.2

current weight - 197 BMI 33.8

loss - 2lb

% lost - 1%

Aiming for 3lbs this week, well back into the 13s, and just 5lbs (2 more weeks?) until blue butterfly!

Monday -
15825/4672 steps (6.6 miles)
31/31 propoints (1178/1200 cal)

pushing it..

2011-08-14T21:59:00.002+01:00

Worried my flapjack noms of Saturday will mean I won't get the 3.5lb loss I need to get into the 13s tomorrow.

Used 42/49 weekly propoints and while I know the official line is that I can use them all and still lose, I'm not so sure.

Am trying to put those fears away, what will be will be. I have got on with tracking and being active etc, so it's been a good, healthy week. Saturday spent in Reigate, Sam got his first tattoo (a fab japanese half sleeve) and I got my old school sparrow with the greek for 'not afraid' from the scripture in Matthew, something I have been reminded of many times. To step forward and not let fear hold me back is something I hope to do from now on.

Wore a dress again today (Sunday). Have had this one a while. It's a primark 18, and their sizing is a roulette, it *just* fits. Though not brilliantly on the boobage! I guess I'll just look forward to wearing this a few more times in the next month or so, before it's too big to use anymore! Took the halflings to the local park and sat chatting with Sam, plotting our anniversary shenanigans.

Dress #18 - 27+321

Saturday -
17488/4625 steps (7.3 miles)
31/31 propoints & 20 weekly (1851/1200 cals)

Sunday -
10683/4625 steps (4.5 miles)
31/31 propoints (1144/1200 cals)

Not binge-ing, but using the weekly points.

2011-08-12T22:30:00.003+01:00

Wednesday was a washout. Sam felt rough after Monday and the anaesthetic, so had him home moping about. Seth woke in a not-so-wonderful mood, and then I felt totally wrung out and had a hormonal headache too. Knowing that a friend and her family were very poorly (and we'd seen them a few days before) I decided not to take our grotty selves out to our Home Ed meet in case we were contagious. Ended up getting lots done though - sorting out bills and resetting direct debits now we have proper cashflow again, registering the fluffballs with the local vets and taking them to get their jabs etc.

Felt a bit better by the evening, looking forward to seeing a friend the next day and hoping the head would clear without drugs for my driving lesson!

Head was still bad Thursday, but seeing my mate R for the first time in 2 years (and getting the flat as clear as I can beforehand) cheered me up lots. Felt mildly relieved when Spencer (driving instructor) text me to say he was cancelling as he was ill. Finally took enough drugs to fully zap the evil head and took bigger boy cat to the vets for his MOT and jabs, then went for my 1st run of week 3. Once I'd got the kids ready for bed I was a zombie - fell asleep as soon as I stopped moving!

Woke up Friday and saw a message from E to say she was up for meeting again - means a lot of buses, but a guaranteed good day - and one where the kids run about a lot and give me loads of headspace! Got to the park at around 11.30 and didn't leave until after 7pm. Sam met us at the park, and we got home just after 9pm. Thankfully this week there was no -key/lock breakage!

Had my 3/4 linen trousers that I bought 4 weeks ago on and realised they are way too big now. Wore a slouchy tunic dress over the top to weasle in another dress. Realised I've only got 6 weeks to get the last 10 dresses done, so have to pick up the pace a bit!

Dress #17 - 27+319 (I swear this mirror is the best in the whole world - makes me look like I actually have a waist!!)

Very ready for the weekend, have to go to the vets again (thank goodness I bought the direct debit plan thingy) as Juno has gone all lame in her front leg. Thankful that my Carer's Allowance has come through!

Wednesday -
7735/4625 steps (3.2 miles)
31/31 propoints & 5 weekly (1483/1200 cals)

Thursday -
12797/4625 steps (5.3 miles)
31/31 propoints & 1 weekly (1328/1200 cals)

Friday -
13381/4625 steps (5.6 miles)
31/31 propoints & 11 weekly (1461/1200 cals)

Lose 2lbs.. gain 3x as much back almost immediately.

2011-08-09T22:24:00.001+01:00

Three cute little 2lb babies! No, they're not Adipose babies!!

I've been keeping a secret from you, blog of mine. On Sunday, Sam and I took the halflings to go feed ducks at a pond 20 minutes away. There are a row of shops between the pond and the playground we intended to go to, one of them being a pet shop. On our way past we saw signs outside saying "Kittens for SALE"
I felt sad, and a bit cross. I hate seeing bigger animals sold from shops. The hours they're left alone, the cramped quarters. Grrr.

After chucking a loaf of bread at the two fluffy ducklings, we went towards the playground. On the way we went into the shop to cuddle the fluffsky cats.

There were five kittens there. In one crate was a medium sized tortie, and a teeny tabby. Neither moved to us, both looked bored and broken. In the second crate were three tabby kittens of different colours. They were lively and playing. The littlest one, a red tabby with big blue eyes, kept coming over for a cuddle. I fell in love and felt so sad that such beautiful little animals were stuck like that, being sold to anyone who would hand over the cash.

We went to the playground, and a few minutes later Sam went back and BOUGHT THE KITTEN! For our anniversary gift, as it's out 'bronze' year this year. Turns out the little sweetie was a girl, even though she's very red - just to be confusing. Brought her home and she was so affectionate and settled in fast. We named her Crookshanks Ramona Pumpkin Copper. She's just 950grams! (Or 2lbs - my loss this week!)

Crookshanks Ramona Pumpkin Copper

Sunday night, she cried. She did settle, but those teeny mews made me sad. Monday morning she was *so* affectionate, I was shocked. After getting back from weigh in, we went to Croydon to meet Sam (who'd had a hospital dental appointment so had the day off) and get a cat carrier to get kitty to the vet.

On the way home we popped into the shop again, to double check her age so we could register & insure her, and to see if either of her littermates were still there. She seemed lonely and I wanted to get her a friend, Sam had loved the pretty torbie, and we agreed that if that one was female, and there, we'd get her too. In the shop both kittens were there. Torbie *was* female, so we went to get her out and the look of fear in the eyes of the remaining kitten broke my heart. So the Black/Grey tabby boy came home too.

I am in LOVE. Took them to the vets tonight to get their first jabs etc, and they're soooo easy, and cuddly and a much better way to de-stress (and spend money) than overeating ever was.

Juno Alice Cheetara Rainbow

Jasper Gizmo Indigo Tygra

Tuesday -
15421/4625 steps (6.4 miles)
31/31 propoints & 4 weekly (1306/1200 cals)

I predict a riot

2011-08-09T15:39:00.000+01:00

It's been all over the news, the riots through London over the last few days. Yesterday it hit home. Croydon was like a war zone with hundreds of scumbag eejits piling into the town to loot and damage and burn.

Reeves corner, where we'd been mooching about with the smalls just hours earlier, was destroyed. A man was shot, a teenager had his arm ripped to the tendons. Kids were smashing into stores and making off with goods. Pillars of smoke, women jumping from their flats to avoid the flames creeping from below...

It's shocking, and terrifying.

Sam has been sent home early today, as he has to use London transport to get home and one Croydon station was shut yesterday, and a double decker bus set alight.

Feeling glad that I have a full week's shopping in. My family all under the roof, and our home is far enough away from any commercial property that we should be fine here. Praying for all my friends who aren't though. Sad times.

Under 200 (for the LAST time. Ever. I mean it)

2011-08-08T23:01:00.000+01:00

6 weeks in and I'm a third of the way to 'goal'.

Wanted 2lbs off this week to take me under the 200lb mark, and that's just what I got.
Miles walked - 44.1

previous weight - 201 BMI 34.5

current weight - 199 BMI 34.2

loss - 2lb

% lost - 1%

Aiming for 3.5lbs this week, back under 14 stone ^_^

Monday -
22312/4625 steps (9.3 miles)
31/31 propoints & 1 weekly (1250/1200 cals)

Changes

2011-08-07T21:16:00.000+01:00

Had a fun day today - took the smalls to the next-but-one village, to feed the ducks and play in a 'new' (to them) playground. Little fluffy ducklings on the pond got a lot of attention, and bread, from the kids.

Ended up going through the photos on my very-near-capacity phone, deleting what I could, and found one taken on the train home after the Race For Life and London Eye day a week ago.

Seth and I had grabbed a late lunch at Victoria after walking about 10-11 miles. We were both really hungry and wanted 'treats'.

Looking at what Seth chose (what I would have chosen a month previous) next to what I picked *really* highlighted the changes in the way that I'm seeing food.

Sunday -
12803/4556steps (5.3 miles)
30/31 propoints (1197/1200 cals)

Cut calories by getting locked out

2011-08-07T00:00:00.001+01:00

Has been a fun, busy, outdoorsy, somewhat-stressy couple of days. We were going out and seeing friends back at Crystal Palace Park on Friday. Only had my skinny jeans to wear (major laundry backlog) and could *not* wear them with a shorter top. A forced dress #16! Another one I don't like at all - I look like a dodgy, dinnerlady stereotype.

dress#16 - 27+312

Spent a sunny day wandering about (and eating too many carbs!) Had a sad accident and lost my pedometer. Went back to search, but looks like someone picked it up. At least I'd gone almost exactly the same route as the week before, so I counted that day for steps.

Met Sam in Croydon and went home all together, grabbing ice creams to walk back with. Got to our door at 7.30pm, and Sam snapped the key in the lock. Argh! Cue me borrowing tools (and another pedometer) from my parents, but nada.

£135 and 16 hours later, we've a new lock/handle. Kind of killed our plan to go get our anniversary ink done though. >:(

Spent today doing laundry and had an easy afternoon over at the nature reserve. Got in the w2d2 run for c25k too, pleased that I can feel things slowly getting easier already. Clever body. ^_^

Friday -
20997/4556steps (8.7 miles)
31/31 propoints & 4 weekly (1357/1200 cals)

Saturday -
15676/4556steps (6.5 miles)
29/31 propoints (1040/1200 cals)

In the driving seat

2011-08-04T22:55:00.004+01:00

Focusing on sticking to it this week. The novelty is beginning to wear off and while I have good habits in place, I'm aware how easy it is to slip!!

On Tuesday I took pics of dress #15. I'd worn it to weigh in the day before, and again to the shops and library, so it certainly counts for being worn in public.

I dislike it *greatly* Horrid shapeless thing. Was grinning like a mad thing to discover a broken strap, muaha. Am plotting to chop it into headscarves now.

dress #15 - 27+309

Tuesday -
11217/4556steps (4.7 miles)
31/31 propoints & 5 weekly (1445/1200 cals)

Spent the day with my friend Lolly on Wednesday, she'd had an operation last week, so journeyed over to her with the smalls and spent an afternoon in the sun at the park. Even though it was really quite sticky and warm, I went and did w2d1 of c25k, still some pulling in the calves, but stretching out is helping.

Wednesday -
18242/4556steps (7.6 miles)
30/31 propoints (1127/1200 cals)

Today I faced a huge fear, went well outside my comfort zone, I had my first ever driving lesson worrying, and feeling really narked off with everyone and everything. Narrowly avoided eating my worry, instead did loads of cleaning.
The lesson went really well, now I've got 7 days grace until I have to get out there and go for it again!

Thursday -
6607/4556steps (2.7 miles)
31/31 propoints (1205/1200 cals)

Lost the weight of a thing

2011-08-02T13:50:00.000+01:00

'The Things' aka Maya and Anya now weigh around 31lbs each at 3 years old. I am 31lbs down from my top weight of 232lbs. Though I do still carry them occasionally, the idea of lugging one of the girls about with me wherever I go is not a nice one! Yet, just a month ago I was!

After posting about needing to wear dress #14 last week, I was reminded that I had already worn a 14th dress - at my sister's wedding.

Dress 14 27+244

It was a size 20, flesh coloured, floor length, thing. I was near tears at the thought of wearing it for weeks. Of course I had my period and bloated so any chance of it fitting went out the window. Instead I spent the day with the zip forced just far enough so the too tight bolero covered the open back, then had to safety pin the bolero to the front to keep the boob portion up. I felt so disgusting, the shortest, oldest, fattest one wearing the same dress as the childless, slim friends of my sister. I was gutted.

Now I've lost the weight of a Thing, I decided to try on the sausage skin, and it fits (and it still looks awful on me).

Indigo

2011-08-02T07:39:00.002+01:00

And I saw you crashing in
And saw you crack a smile
.........
Coz you're my little indigo girl
Its a beautiful world when you are around

(Indigo Girl - Watershed)

Indigo Butterfly. For hitting 14.5stone. Another 5 stone to go until a healthy 9.5. ^_^ The butterflies are working too - this week I had a couple people ask if I was close to #2 yet!

Tattoo #2 today, to celebrate my second stone lost. Over the last 4 weeks I've felt myself begin to enjoy life more. Going out, seeing friends, forgetting about (or at least choosing to not think about) my weight and just jumping in and getting on with living. Realising that although I feel worthless and disgusting, there are people who love me and honestly do like me being about. Refusing to 'do' life hasn't just been hurting me. I'm not putting life on hold just until I'm good enough, anymore. I'm good enough now.

30lbs off in 5 weeks!!!

2011-08-01T20:07:00.000+01:00

Needed a 2.5lb loss this week to hit 28lb off - my second stone. Last Friday I saw 203 on the scale and knew I had it in the bag. Then yesterday I was back up to 205. The urge to binge and sulk was strong, but I looked back and saw this had happened before so I stuck to plan and the next day I'd dropped another 4lbs!!

So many little milestones hit today -

I'm now 1/3 of the way to a 'healthy' BMI
2nd stone off = new butterfly ^_^
BMI of <35 - plain 'obese' not 'severely'
lost the weight of one of my 3 year olds!

I feel so happy, really confident and content with how things are for me food/activity wise.

My aim for this next week is to get under 200lbs. After a 4.5lb week I won't expect another 3lb loss, but if I can get 2lb off that'll take my to 199lb. Just sounds *so* much better when my weight begins ONE hundred...

Miles walked - 44

previous weight - 205.5 BMI 35.3

current weight - 201 BMI 34.5

loss - 4.5lb

% lost - 2.19%

Monday -
20607/4556steps (8.6 miles)
31/31 propoints & 7 weekly (1423/1200 cals)

Anxiety

2011-07-31T21:36:00.000+01:00

Jumped on the scales this morning and nearly burst into tears. I've worked so hard this week and just 0.5lb off. :(

I spent a few seconds beginning to think how I could just eat anything right now as I'd fecked up my week anyway, but quickly caught myself. Realised that this happened last week and I *did* have a decent loss the next day. I'd been out for a long day in the heat and was probably retaining water.

Planned my day food wise, and stuck to it. This evening the scales are showing me a 2.5lb loss. Big Grin.

I spent today feeling very anxious, literally sick with adrenaline. I was going to my Grandma's with my dad, brother and the twins. I find it stressful as she is liable to get difficult, mean even, and snaps without much warning. Usually has a go about my weight/clothes/hair/existence. Today I was tutted at and mocked for NOT EATING the following - dorito's, a pizza, a pasty, a sandwich, chocolate biscuits, 38% liquer, ice cream.

Still, I let the nastiness roll off me and recognised it as her issue, not mine. Enjoyed watching the girl's play and wandering about the beach looking for crabs before heading home. Didn't get close to 10,000 steps today, but after nearly 30k yesterday, I'm feeling OK with that!

Sunday -
6044/4489steps (2.5 miles)
29/32 propoints (1144/1230 cals)

Race for life - 10k

2011-07-30T20:14:00.006+01:00

Had a good couple of days (went into my weekly points yesterday to join the smalls in eating ice creams at the nature reserve, yum nom) Friday was spent doing lots of admin until about 2pm, clocking just 1000 steps, then I hustled the troops down to Sainsburys to do my last chore, and grab ice creams. Then spent 2-3 hours running about/playing/picking flowers/finding frogs.
Finished off the day with a quick play on Just Dance for the Wii. Sweaty!!

Today Seth and I did the Clapham Race for Life 10k. We got round in 1hr40 minutes. Not bad for a 6year old and a fat one who could barely walk about her flat a month ago. With my sister a year ago we did 5k in 48mins, so to do double the distance at the same speed feels ok!
Then we did Seth's stuff - walked through Lambeth to go to the Imperial War museum (tanks for the boy) and a long wished-for birthday trip the London Eye.
All in all walked nearly 30,000 steps today. Headache tonight though, probably the sun!!

Friday -
15069/4404 steps (6.3 miles)
32/32 propoints & 7/45 weekly (1481/1230 calories)

Saturday -
28105/4404 (11.9 miles)
32/32 propoints (1245/1230 calories)

27 dresses revisited

2011-07-29T09:13:00.002+01:00

11 months ago I made a promise/challenged myself to change the way I treated my body. To fake it until I made it confidence-wise, and wear clothes that I like, rather than hiding away behind old baggy jeans and slobby jumpers.

I had been following through, until April when my weight shot up and I went all hermit.

Over the last couple of weeks, I can feel the urge to wear stuff I like getting stronger again, and I remembered this 27 dress idea.

Dress 1 27+68days
Dress 2 27+77days
Dress 3 27+81days
Dress 4 27+82days
Dress 5 27+83days
Dress 6 27+86days
Dress 7 27+89days
Dress 8 27+108days
Dress 9 27+130days
Dress 10 27+139days
Dress 11 27+145days
Dress 12 27+152days
Dress 13 27+159days

So 14 dresses to go, (only counting dresses, not skirts and I have to wear them *out*) I'll definately be wearing this one in a few lbs' time, remember feeling amazing that day.

As it's a frocking Friday, I suppose I'd better make #14 happen today, get over that halfway line, less than 2 months to wear another 14. Eeek.

living moderately ;)

2011-07-28T21:19:00.002+01:00

Wednesday -
7704/4489steps (3.2 miles)
32/32 propoints & 4/49 weekly (1363/1230 cals)

Wednesday was spent doing very house-based stuff, with the next 5 days full of me doing stuff out of the home I needed to prepare by doing as much pre-emptive housework and resting as I could with 4 smalls underfoot! Had also twisted my right ankle running on Tuesday, and had a slight ache in the calf.

We painted butterflies, made pizza, tidied the garden and finished reorganising the boys' room. Finally stuff has been put away so I can move around my bedroom without doing acrobatics.

Usually we'd have done a Home Ed outing, but the other families are all on holiday/ill/moving/out of contact, so we had a hermit day. I didn't even manage my full 10,000 steps....

BUT

Thursday we were out of the house by 8.20am, bags packed with picnic and spare clothes and off to Crystal Palace Park. We met a friend of mine and her 4 kids and had a fab day mooching about looking at sphinx and dinosaurs, getting lost in a maze and strolling about letting the kids roam a bit - not an easy thing to do living in/near London. (Seth is saying I'm forgetting the best bit, going to the playground. Yea, sitting on my bum and chatting to my friend without having to type was very cool ^_^)

note to self - get legs out *in the sun* look like the undead

I always notice that when I'm out with people I like, I don't eat. Not in a bad way - I'd packed grapes and a granola bar and ate them while we sat. But I didn't pick at food or feel antsy, just enjoyed some waffly conversation and feeling 'safe' with who I was with.

Had never thought of myself as an emotional eater, but am slowly realising the actually my 'normal' is a constant low-level anxiety, and the constant overeating was probably due to *constant* emotional upset. :s So, giving myself gentle targets/fun days/seeing people who are genuinely nice and real friends, can ONLY be a good thing. D'uh.

........................................................

(Thinking more as I type and realising that the day I ate more/not what I'd planned last week was when we went to softplay (I am so aware of the money burning :( though other parents seem to manage, and then I assume it's my fault) and met with just one other mum (who's older than me, talks about her career and the new house they've bought etc) - without realising I think I medicated the anxiety with the extra carbs (rice krispie squares). Just thinking about it now my tummy is knotted and back of my neck feels all 'prickly'. Ugh, well, it's a breakthrough I guess.

.......................................................

Went home via shops and got in about 15mins before Sam, quickly cooked a pasta bake, inhaled a can of soup for myself and collapsed in the bath! I forgot to take any meds before going, and felt my joints go in the heat. Even though my ankle/calf was really tender from about 4pm onwards, it was fine as soon as I rested it and even with no anti-inflammatory drugs helping and limping, my back was fine. So happy.

Thursday -
21070/4489steps (8.8 miles)
29/32 propoints (1234/1230 cals)

If you're still pretty at the end then you did it wrong

2011-07-26T22:50:00.001+01:00

One week ago I felt brave and thought I'd attempt the day 1 c25k 'run'. Now I've completed the first week!

Still so, so slow, but I'm going and pushing and getting stronger every step. Tonight it hit me that I am going out at this size, while it's still light, and running where there are other people. I'm aware they can see me red faced, limping along, fat. I care, but I care *more* that I keep going. My health means more to me now. Finally.

Going to continue with the plan, as so far I'm not having any back pain due to it, as had been expected. There are about 9 weeks left until my birthday, it's two months today. With 8 weeks left on c25k I could complete it in that time. To be running 5k again by then would feel just so good. I'm loving the difference in how I feel after 25lbs and just one month, another two months and regular running would make me feel fantastic I'm sure!

Just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I'll be there.

Tuesday -
13470/4489steps (5.6 miles)
32/32 propoints (1308/1230 cals)

Week 5 - 25.5lb in 28 days ^_^

2011-07-25T21:31:00.001+01:00

This week I needed just a 1lb loss to hit my 10%, I was fairly certain that it'd happen, but at the back of my mind I was very aware that losing 22lbs in the previous 3 weeks could mean I'd soon hit a maintenance week. After using a fair few weekly propoints early on I was worried it'd happen.

Thankfully that it didn't. In hindsight I reckon eating some of the weekly points may have actually helped give a better loss. Maybe it gave my metabolism the run-around so it didn't slow down. I also walked 37.4 miles and ran twice.

I'm now well into the 14 stones, and another 6lbs and I'll be under 200lbs. Huge psychological milestone. Having weekly goals in mind really seems to help, so I've set another for this week! 2.5lbs will take me to my next stone off - time for my next butterfly, I'll also be *just* obese, rather than severely obese. (At my highest weight I was dipping my toes into the border of morbidly obese).

For a fortnight now I've walked 10,000 steps a day, (1 day this week I did 500 under, but had done lots of floor cleaning, 40 minutes of activity that didn't register) If I keep this up I'll have walked the length of the UK by Christmas.

Miles walked - 37.4

previous weight - 209 BMI 35.9

current weight - 205.5 BMI 35.3

loss - 3.5lb

% lost - 1.67%

Monday -
13747/4489steps (5.7 miles)
28/32 propoints (1058/1230 cals)

eating a tassimo a fortnight,,

2011-07-25T20:56:00.000+01:00

I wanted to get myself a gift to mark my 10% loss. Every stone I'm getting a treat in the form of a tat. So I wondered what I could have for this milestone.

I've wanted a latte machine for *so* long, but thought they were way too expensive, not just the initial outlay, but the cost of £4 for 8 cups worth of coffee.

Calculated that I *had* been eating about £50-60 worth of extra, unnecessary junk each week at my worst. So far this means that I've saved up to £200 in 4 weeks, even after deducting weightwatchers fees. Suddenly the £120 machine didn't seem as extravagant. If I'm having just 1 coffee a day as my 'treat' to myself, that costs less than £4 a week, as opposed to £50. Again, suddenly seemed very reasonable.

So I'd decided on a tassimo smart machine, then my SIL's fiance posted a rave review on facebook about his new T40 machine. Decision made! I popped to Sainsburys and the *only* coffee maker in stock was the T40, and there was just one left, in the colourway I'd hoped to find. Meant to be!

Had my first cup (of latte macchiato, with a shot of vanilla syrup, nom!) this evening, and it was totally lush. Feeling very rewarded!!

Lands End to John O'Groats

2011-07-24T21:47:00.000+01:00

I reckon I can walk the equivalent distance in my daily life by the end of the year - chucked a counter doobry on the sidebar to track my progress. ^_^

Did c25k week 1 day 2 tonight, felt better than the first run already. Going out in the light at 7pm was a huge step. People would see me, and my flab, and be able to judge. But getting better means getting out there. So I did.

Every time I felt like stopping, or worried that I'd be seen, I reminded myself of this picture. I'm guessing this woman is taller than me - so it makes a very good motivational pic for me. I want my body to be well. Running is strengthening the muscle, burning the fat. I have given my poor body so much to fight, now I'm on the same side. No more seeing it as the enemy, it's my best ally and I'm going to fight every inch for it.

Friday -
9541 /4404steps (4 miles)
32/32 propoints (1278/1250 cals)

Saturday -
14358/4404steps (6.2 miles)
31/32 propoints (1043/1250 cals)

Sunday -
14589/4404steps (6.4 miles)
31/32 propoints (1043/1250 cals)

catching up with the yeti

2011-07-24T12:38:00.000+01:00

It's been ages since I'd had energy to sort my health, never mind Sam's. Since the week before he went back to work (he's been there 3 weeks now - it's whizzing by at a nice steady, ordered pace) I've been fully responsible for *all* of his food. I've made his breakfast omlette before he leaves at 6.30am, and he gets a salad or jacket spud for lunch, then eats with the kids at about 5.30pm. He's been pretty much wheat free (he's still learning so an occasional blip) walking 2.5 miles a day and drinking water and tea instead of fizzy drinks.

He'd gone back up to 19.5 stone (273lb again) but weighed in yesterday at 18st8 (260lb) 13lb in 4 weeks with no tracking is no bad thing! He's already started to stop eating when full, and without realising he's moving more (and is so much more patient with the kids!) He even mentioned wanting to go to the gym again the other day. 0_0

Hoping to keep him on track for a 2lb loss each week without making him feel like he's dieting. Another 50lbs until he's at 15stone and a BMI of 24.9 - At a rate of 2lb a week, he could be there for Kai's 5th birthday. I've got 64lb to go to get to the equivalent BMI.. I reckon it's an awesome long term goal! 25 weeks to go!

Couple of struggle-y days

2011-07-22T11:32:00.001+01:00

Tuesday and Wedsnesday I really struggled with wanting to just eat.

On Tuesday I'd gone for a run at the end of the day, and I felt better about how I'd managed. Wednesday I ate loads before we'd even left the house, I went out at 8.30am wondering how I'd last til dinner. As it was there was only wheat filled stuff available at the soft play centre, and I spent enough time with another Home Ed mum chatting that I forgot about the urge to eat.

Thursday morning I'd eaten all my days propoints by 10-11am. I just wolfed down yoghurt, realising how many propoints I was using, and stopped when I reached my allowance - so not *totally* binging, but not sensible eating. Then I clocked what was wrong. Since being on the nexplanon I've not had to go as much. Suddenly clicked that I was constipated, bloated and my eating lots of sugary dairy was a fairly in-tune attempt to shift it.

So chugged lots of water, had some fruit and bought myself Senna while out doing jobs. This morning things are back in working order (so sorry for info, but I've learnt something here!)

When I stopped and really thought/felt what was going on, the urge to eat dissapated. I knew how to fix it, feel comfy again, and I did. Today is back on track, eaten my planned breakfast of omlette at 7.30 and now at 11.30 I'm thinking about beginning to prepare lunch and what to do with the afternoon.

Peek at the scale this morning showed me 206, which is a decent 3lb loss. Would be happy with that on Monday! Takes me 2lb past my 10% goal, and just another 3lbs til my 2nd stone off.

Wednesday -
11834/4404steps (4.9miles)
32/32 propoints & 5/37 weekly (1451/1250 cals)

Thursday -
14730 /4404steps (6.5miles)
32/32 propoints (1282/1250 cals)

C25K week 1 day 1 - Just Do It

2011-07-19T21:49:00.002+01:00

Three weeks ago I was in agony all day long. I could barely hobble about the flat, and going downstairs was excruciating. My legs felt like they were on fire, my upper feet like they would snap any moment. I hadn't run, properly, in months. My health was at an (all time?) low. I was on GP prescribed anti-inflammatory drugs to try to minimise the pain, but they did very little.

Since starting back on weightwatchers I've felt the urge to get back into exercise, but I've been scared. What if I injured myself? What if I fail? What if I don't then have the energy to manage day to day?

Last week I eased into walking over 10,000 steps a day. I did it. Then I attempted a 30 min session of yoga, then 60 minutes, then 90...

This evening I'd got to around 7,500 steps at 7pm. Suddenly another of Jayne's wall posts came to mind:

Yes, I'm going to be slow, it may hurt, I won't always get it right - but I'm beating the crap out of the me who sat getting fatter and fatter and stuck in a self made trap of pain.

The box with my new Nike Lunarglides was right in front of me, screaming JUST DO IT I've had them and kept them for when I'm 'running properly' again. Today I began running properly. Took the pristine new shoes over to the wet boggy Nature Reserve. I was slow, breathless and red-faced, but I did it!

Tuesday -
12289/4404steps (5.1miles)
32/32 propoints & 18/49 weekly (1842/1250 cals)

Week 4 - 3rd Silver 7 and so close to 10%

2011-07-18T13:38:00.002+01:00

Needed to lose 4lb this week to hit my 10% - I did 3lb. Usually this would have me in a huge strop, now, not so much.

I'm out of the 15 stones, and just another 10lbs to break out of the 200lbs mark. That feels good!

My aim for the next 2 weeks is another 3lb loss each Monday, take me to my 10% next week, and 2nd stone off the week after. My butterfly is very nearly healed and ready for a friend! Getting under 204lbs will also take my BMI below 35 - just plain old obese, rather than the red zoned 'severely obese' I've been hanging out in for the last few months.

Last week I challenged myself to walk 10,000 steps a day, and I did it. I'm going to aim for that again this week too.

Miles walked - 38.4

previous weight - 212 BMI 36.4

current weight - 209 BMI 35.9

loss - 3lb

% lost - 1.41%

Monday -

10407/4404 steps 4.3miles

32/32 propoints (1214/1250)

The day before weigh-in jitters

2011-07-17T22:43:00.001+01:00

It's my own fault for treating the scales at home like a trampoline, bouncing on and off them over and over, but I *hate* to see fluctuation!!

Saturday morning I saw 208lb on the scale, which is my 10% goal weight, then this morning I was back at 211, boo. Came the closest that I've been to bingey-thinking, since being back on track for 3 weeks. Felt myself thinking 'Fine, if I'm not going to hit it anyway then I'll have an extra portion of dinner, or a chocolate bar...' realised fairly quickly where I was headed and the moment I realised I was back in control. But those thoughts are very definately still there, just under the surface.

As it was I stuck to plan, stuck to tracking, and made it my mission to get the bronze Piggy instead! And I did. ^_^

Very chuffed that I'm able to exercise again, after struggling with so much pain for weeks. Thinking about working 30 mins WiiFit into my morning routine each day now, building back up to 'proper' exercise.

So, ignoring the scales now, hoping today's weird up-trend disappears for weigh in!

Sunday -
10210/4341steps (4.25 miles)
32/33 propoints (1268/1270 cals)

Play-Doh as antidote to boredom eating

2011-07-16T21:22:00.000+01:00

Found gluten free gravy and stuffing mix after a long morning shopping, so Sam cooked a big roast for us as well as my parents and sister.

I skipped the gravy, sauces and roasties, but still a slice of beef, two stuffing balls, broccoli and baby carrots were 10 points! Yummy, but ouch.

The DWP have awarded Malachi Disability Living Allowance, and with the first (backdated to claim date) payment I've been out and bought him a whole load of play-doh supplies and lots of other crafty sensory stuff, as well as easy grip silicone cooking utensils so he can join in in the cooking without me worrying about his safety around heavy glass bowls!

Already it's been fab, he chats the whole time he's playing with the stuff, and it stops him looking to food to 'do' something with. ^_^ I'd read that kids like Kai could really benefit from sensory therapy, I'm very excited at the progress we've seen since I've made crafting a part of each day's routine for him.

Hoping to get to IKEA very soon, as have a bit of money to buy more Trofast storage so we can keep the craft/art supplies well stocked and organised.

Saturday -
12789/4341steps (5.3miles)
32/33 propoints (1265/1270 cals)

Harry Potter & my first 'treat' in 3 weeks

2011-07-15T22:31:00.000+01:00

Saw the final Harry Potter film tonight, feels really weird to have it all wrapped up - remember reading the first book at 13 years old.

I knew I'd want something sweet and munchy while at the cinema, so had added a bar of Green & Blacks butterscotch to my grocery order this week. It is my *favourite* ever chocolate, and it has sat, untouched in the back of the cupboard where I put it after unpacking Tuesday morning.

THIS IS HUGE for me. To enjoy it as a one off tasty treat, not to want to replace my proper food wth it. Not to let it set me off binging. Amazing.

Don't know what we'll be doing with this weekend, but each day;

I will be on track
I will drink my water
I will walk over 10,000 steps

Also hoping to fit in 2 x 30 minute Wii fit sessions to get my little piggy bronze again!

Thursday -
12008/4341steps (5miles)
33/33 propoints (1261/1270 cals)

Friday -
12262/4341steps (5.1miles)
32/33 propoints (1213/1270 cals)

When friends get it right..

2011-07-14T14:42:00.000+01:00

There have been so many things over the last 4 years that have motivated me while I've battled the bulge. Some of those things didn't last, some were exactly what I needed at the time, but would never work again.

This time, there were so many things that forced me to jump, but the final shove was a kindly meant but blunt shove. I have a friend, Jayne, who has lost a decent amount of weight, the loss itself is secondary to the shift in lifestyle. She started running a couple years back and is now a super strong, gym bunny marathon-head.

I remember her being to shift weight as I was nearing goal in 2009, now she has been maintaining her running and toned bod, and moving forwards in making being fit and strong a mega part of her life.

Recently I noticed a few meme-type photos posted to her wall on facebook. (One is the 'choose your hard' I have to the left) I smiled at most of them, a couple made me think, yeah, I should get back on it... then this one was like a slap in the face..

Underneath she'd typed Just sayin'. I know that it wasn't for me, I'm not quite that egocentric! It did speak to me, from someone I care about, admire and would like to have think well of me.

Come on Joy, you keep saying tommorrow, it's here waiting, and has been for months. Either do what you say you want to do, or stay as you are. All you need is in you.

I've changed, I can feel it.

I'm not excusing my weight, I'm proud of how bloody strong my body is to be doing all it is despite it. The weight doesn't need/desire excusing.

I'm not in pain anymore, more than that, I'm not avoiding exercise for fear of pain. If it hurts, it hurts. I'm not going to get stronger hiding in joggers on the sofa.

I'm enjoying my food, I'm eating food that my body is enjoying. I am drinking water. I am not being obsessive either. Yes, I'm tracking, but I'm living and not spending hours a day calculating where I could be.

Last night I started looking into Gym membership, today I did 90 minutes of yoga and strength training.

I'm looking forward to the end of next month when I'll be healed and ready to start running again. I'm thinking about when/where I could slot in runs each day (well, not EACH day, but yunno what I mean)..

Every day I'm taking the chance.

I feel free.

I've changed.

Dog tired

2011-07-13T22:36:00.000+01:00

Busy, fun, exciting tiring day. We went to meet with 3 other local mums who are Home-Educating their young sprogs. Going to make it a weekly thing now as the kids (and the women) got on really easily ^_^

Meant being out of the house by 8am, eating not much else until I got in a 5pm. I ate a couple of Rice Krispy Squares to tide me over and with all the fresh air/walking/chatting I was soooo tired.

How many calories does happy nerves burn?!

Wore some new linen trousers that I bought last month - size 18 so I knew they'd fit. When I got them home they didn't. :s Felt awful. Now they fit so easily. I'm not happy that I'm back UP in 18's, but I am happy that I've managed to get back into them!

Nearly doubled my steps challenge today - noted that after 7.5 miles walking I was ready for a rest, but not in pain, whoot!

out, about and making new friends ^_^

Wednesday -
17370 /4341steps (7.25miles)
33/33 propoints (1302/1270 cals)

Baby Belly Bulge Battles and Breastfeeding

2.30am

Happy 2012!

back on it ^_^

Shake it Out

Ugh. Ugh. Hanging on by the skin of my teeth.

Catch up...

ready to step on the scale

No one ever drowned in sweat

death at the gym earns a snicker bar

Could have been so so much worse

Just did it

Skinny small latte to go please

No surprises

poorly sick

and off again ^_^

3lb gain

bust...

unbalanced!

balanced

Birthday splurge.

going down

27 and dresses

Birthday weekend

14 months...

It's all in your head

Hurdles

grazi Graze

steady week

Arse-partame

Chucking the size 18s in the charity bin

Slave to food part two

Dog tired, negativity seeps in

Eating out

Eating in

Halfway to healthy

Blue

3 stone shifted. Whew, that feels good!

Pub night & Shred level up!

S.M.A.R.T

Slave to Food

Rainbows

10 weeks in

stayed within my propoints, phew!!

Following through

September Shredder

21/27 dresses, DONE

2 months in ^_^

post crash fallout

Carb Crash

Eat-a-versary

35lbs off in 2 months!

There it is...

Stronger week.

weak week

pushing it..

Not binge-ing, but using the weekly points.

Lose 2lbs.. gain 3x as much back almost immediately.

I predict a riot

Under 200 (for the LAST time. Ever. I mean it)

Changes

Cut calories by getting locked out

In the driving seat

Lost the weight of a thing

Indigo

30lbs off in 5 weeks!!!

Anxiety

Race for life - 10k

27 dresses revisited

living moderately ;)

If you're still pretty at the end then you did it wrong

Week 5 - 25.5lb in 28 days ^_^

eating a tassimo a fortnight,,

Lands End to John O'Groats

catching up with the yeti

Couple of struggle-y days

C25K week 1 day 1 - Just Do It

Week 4 - 3rd Silver 7 and *so* close to 10%

The day before weigh-in jitters

Play-Doh as antidote to boredom eating

Week 4 - 3rd Silver 7 and so close to 10%